Monday, October 4, 2010

tears of sadness, tears of joy...

I had a dream of Ella, actually 2 of them this morning..The first was healthy 2 year old Ella at some sort of family gathering, running, playing and being perfect..the first dream kind of evolved into the 2nd..Same family gathering, kids running and screaming, people laughing, change of Ella, I was sitting on the stairs holding her in my lap, 2 years old and sickly.. someone walked by and asked if we were okay and I said yes, and I must have dozed off, because I dreamt she were healthy..I looked down and her tiny frail face and told her I was still so thankful to have her with me, even if she couldn't do all of the things the other children were, and she smiled... and I honestly woke up half expecting her to be here..tears filled my eyes before I could even open them, my heart was heavy and I was again short of breath from the shock that she is gone..Its been a little 13.5 months and still seems so fresh at times..

This is a day where I would have called it a loss. Jay was gone, Cayden gone..just me..in the quite again.. I can't handle days that start off with such heart ache. I laid in bed for a few minutes.. listening to the fan and I took in a deep breath of the morning air..cool autumn air to be exact..I then heard over the monitor 'dadadadadadada..ahhhhhhh..dadadada' yep..she's awake and ready to get the day started. It is not an option to lie in bed all day.I got up, wiped my face and walked into a nursery where there was a baby, a precious baby smiling at me and let out a squeel that would wake up the neighbors..once again I began to cry, but good tears this time.. At that moment, everything was re-affirmed. We will never have Ella back while on this Earth, but we are still needed and wanted, by Cayden and by this sweet darling and adorable baby.. I love that we are helping her, and I am delighted at the joy she has brought and blessing that she has been to help mend our broken hearts.. I know the Lord has a plan for us, and he will bring us Joy when we need it the most, in our darkest hours, and this morning, that joy was in the form of a 6 month old brown haired baby girl.. how I adore her...

11 comments:

2awesomekidz said...

Bitter Sweet! Thanks for sharing! I can only imagine how beautiful she is, such an amazing spirit to fill your hearts!
Tami

Bonky's Mom said...

Love this post...love that God is using Precious Baby Girl to tend to your bruised and broken hearts and that He is using your love to heal her physically and emotionally.

The Blue Sparrow said...

I agree, a bitter sweet dream. I'm still waiting for my Bryston dreams to start. I would give anything to see him again, if even only my dreams...but yes what a hard morning when I wake & find it's only a dream. Im so glad that you have this baby girl to help you heal! (((HUGS)))

Heidi said...

(((Jen))) Interesting about your dream, being its so typical of Mito, one day our kiddos can act so normal, running and playing, the next day too sick and frail to even get out of bed. Im sorry your heart hurts but LOVE how you were able to wake up to the beautiful sounds of little girl babbling.

GOD is GOOD, bringing this precious baby to you is truly a gift, however long, she's here today and part of a much bigger plan. I cant wait to see her little face! hugs and prayers.
Heidi & Jack.

shan said...

So true... the day starts of the same for me as well. Marie in my heart and on my mind and then Sarah jerks me out of it. Praying for you and your family and that sweet little Sunshine girl!

Melissa Colon said...

What a great post....I love how you 'tease' us with pics of little miss. I'm sure she is beautiful. I hope she is yours forever someday. :-)

Steph O. said...

Hi, I popped over from Rain's blog after seeing your comment about SW pressuring people. I am so sorry for the loss you went through & for what it's worth, am outraged that she would be so insensitive to the situation. I'm so happy that you have a darling baby girl to help ease the pain & longing.

((((HUGS))))

Clarissa said...

prayers!

Lori said...

xoxoxo

Lifting you up as the balance between the heartache and the joy is a constant battle...

Even without seeing her face, it's obvious that baby girl is precious and beautiful!

Christy said...

Just wanting you to know that I'm here and reading and with you. What a dream-so, so bittersweet like everyone else said.
You continue to amaze me with the size of your heart :)

Holly said...

I wonder what makes us dream of them. Do they send us dreams? I like the thought that they could.