Friday, October 29, 2010

more randomness...

Like the new blog design, I gave my self a birthday present of a new blog makeover! Franchesca always does such a great job! I love it! go check her out if you are in need of one!

Cayden got back from his cruise Sunday. It seems as though a good time was had by all. Little Miss was so excited to see him, she reached over and grabbed his face and started pulling his hair.. it was cute, he seemed just as happy to see her too, he resisted from pulling her hair though ;) 

a pic of him with a mexican dancer..that term doesn't really seem PC, but I guess its okay since Carnival put it on the boarder? I dunno..

We had visitation yesterday and the parents didn't show up. Apparently having it rescheduled last week caused mass hysteria and they forgot about it. Oh and they moved again. Conveniently after the SW told them she would need to come out and inspect their home. so yeah..that was convenient..So after waiting 20 minutes her worker comes and says we can leave, and she comes over to do her monthly diaper change observation and little mini inspection. It was pretty uneventful.. she is nice enough, but sometimes I really wish we had someone a little older, more experienced.. thats alright though. Little miss jumped and played and gave me some sloppy sweet kisses when the worker was here. It was almost as she were saying 'LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM!!'  love her so much...

My 30th was good. Went to eat at Olive garden with my BFF and enjoyed some peach tea..mmmm! and that pm we went to Jalepeno grill with my MIL and FIL and had some yummy fajita's. So I did get a day off of cooking! My mom brought over a blue berry pudding cake which I had a small piece of before falling into a food coma.. Tonight we are going to Dave & Busters with some friends. I am glad to be going, a little disappointed that a few people aren't going for this or that reason, but I should not really be surprised, it happens..and our history has proven it over and over. We go to stuff, if one can't go the other goes, even when it was hard on us after losing Ella, we went to parties, showers, etc.. If its for someone I care about, we make an honest effort to go, and it sucks that people that are suppose to care about us don't make it a priority. ((This rant is about more than my Bday party, its about benefits and things we've done and much more I won't go into)) I will say this though, for every one person that lets us down, we have two that more than make up for it, we are more than blessed with some super fantastic friends and family!

I think it goes without saying that I am a little down lately, I feel stressed and anxiety ridden again.. I think it has to do with the holidays coming up, just a few weeks is Thanksgiving and a little after that is Christmas. I can't believe that we are entering another holiday season without her. It seems as though one would think it would get easier each season, but apparently this season is not the one to let up..I look at my beautiful family and all that we have and realize I am blessed. I have a wonderful husband and son, and now a sweet baby girl that loves me more than anyone else.. I am not trying to discredit this at all, I LOVE LOVE LOVE them and am so thankful, but I can't help by wander if I will ever again feel 'normal'..when (if) we adopt little miss and its final, will I feel complete? or will this ache in my chest be there forever reminding me of what we lost..People suffer, people lose babies, kids all of the time...and they seem so normal, so happy..are they faking or is it true, and if it is true, how do I get there? I just miss her...
I can't believe this was 2 years ago..Here is a video of Ella griping while waiting for her doctor to come in at about 8 weeks old..We do have more video, but it hurts so bad to watch it..anyone else experience this? I can handle pics, but videos feel like I am having my heart torn out of my chest..anyway, be sure to turn the music off below..


brigette said...

The blog redesign is great!! Love it! Sending much love and prayers your way. I think its a constant roller coaster up and downs...... your doing great! I doubt well ever truely feel 100% normal again as long as we try our best that's all we can do :0).

Lisa said...

Such a cute video, Jen! I know what you mean about waiting to be happy/normal and feeling like its never going to come. Life keeps going on for everyone, and you feel like you're stuck in time... why won't the world stop for a moment and feel your pain! In a way I think the "normalcy" is fake... but what choice do we have? Life carries us along, too, wether we like it or not, and we have to make the most of each day. Our girls taught us that, right?
Sending you a hug and hoping and praying that very soon that cute little baby that is with you will be yours forever and the anxiety about visitation and the unknowns will be gone. ((HUGS))

blessedmomto8 said...


I SO know how you feel. I think we are a lot alike. WE TOO always make sure to attend things that are a priority to others. Showers, parties etc..We realized a LONG time ago when we didn't get much support on our 6th adopted child that NOT EVERYONE thinks like us and just because God doesn't put it in THEIR hearts to be thoughtful and not forget special occasions, I WILL NOT BE LIKE THAT! Because that is NOT in my nature. LOVE the blog design and the video of Ella. SO PRECIOUS!

Courtney said...

Oh Fran did such a beautiful job on the blog design. It's perfect.

Oh that video made me cry. How I would do anything to bring her back to you all <3

Heidi said...

Love the design! I probably should let someone professional to take my blog over!

The video of Ella was heartbreaking, so sweet she was. I can only imagine how much that hurts.

Lil' Miss is too cute (I dont need to see her full face to know this!) I have to admit I got a little excited when I read her parents didnt show--I just want her to be yours! HUGS--
Heidi & Jack.

Brittanie said...

I'm coming up on my 5th Christmas and it still hurts so much. On her 4th birthday this year I was at church alone. My husband and babies were all sick, but I had to be there so I went alone. An older lady came and sat by me. She lost a little boy at a few months old, so she understood and she let me cry on her. I said that same thing "Isn't it supposed to get easier?"

She said "It doesn't get easier. It hurts just the same because they're still not here."

I hope you can find happy moments in between the missing though.


Holly said...

I like the new blog design. She does a great job!

That's something that irks me is when people don't show up to support or to stuff we invite them to. We always try to make it to stuff and it doesn't seem like others put in the same effort.

I can't believe Christmas is coming up so fast. Wow.

I haven't looked at any of the videos yet that we took on Carleigh's birth day. I haven't looked at the funeral video yet either.

rebecca said...

So glad to have stumbled upon your blog through Francesca, love the beautiful design. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, such a beautiful precious baby. I understand the anxiety with the approaching Holidays, I have been feeling the same way lately. This Holiday season was supposed to look so different and it just makes me so sad to think about how much we have lost and different our life could have been. ((hugs)) and thoughts to you and your family

Anonymous said...

I admire your strengh, you've been through a lot. I stumbled across your blog today in my search of other foster-to-adopt parents. My heart goes out to you and your family you will be in my prayers.

Lori said...

Videos kill me....we take video every time we go to an ultrasound because I just don't want to have any regrets that I missed anything...but yes, they kill me to get me too, but the video--the realness...gets right to me.

Mirne said...

I don't have any videos. I'm shattered that we don't have any, but then again, if we did have them I'd be shattered too. We started watching our wedding video about a year ago (we'd been married for nearly 4 years then), but it was a time of such great joy, before any of the heartache, that it tore me up to watch it all. I think we watched about 3 minutes before turning it off.

As for people being happy, and normal, and appearing to get over it. I don't know. I don't understand. It hasn't happened to me. I don't know if it ever well.

Franchesca did a great job on my blog too.