The other night/early morning I had a dream, although at the time I didn't realize it was a dream. I heard a strange sound over the monitor that sounded like a water hose was going, I walked into the room and the humidifier was spitting huge amounts of water into the crib, I had just turned on the bathroom light, so it was dark, the water was standing and I could see blankets floating, I reached down and grabbed her up and she was cold and gone, I started crying and screaming NOT AGAIN!! NOT AGAIN!!Please not again.. I woke up soaked from the tears and my heart was beating a mile a minute. I check on her, and she is dry and in the bed and the humidifer is only sending out steam.
Next night, it was a little cool in the house, but I kept it that way so LM wouldn't get too warm and cause a coughing attack((still sick)). It was the night of the time change, so I expected her to wake up between 12:30 and 1:30am for a bottle. I woke up at 3:30 and realized she hadn't made a sound. I turn on the hallway light and walk in. She is lying as still as can be, and because her jammies are a little loose, I can't see her chest moving. I stick my finger in her hand and she doesn't squeeze. I touch her face and it was cool, she didn't open her eyes or move her face at all.. No, no, no, no, no, no is all I can remember thinking. I pick her up fast and she just melts into me, not making a sound, I pull her out a little and shake her (just once and not hard) she looked up at me as though I were insane. I sat in the rocker and started to cry..I kept thinking and wandering if I was going to be this way forever.. I was doubting my sanity, should I even be allowed to care for a baby? I changed her, fed her and rocked her back to sleep, holding her for well over an hour. I laid her back down, turned up the heat, and went to my bed and laid there, I think I fell asleep right before the alarm went off.
I realize she is 7 months old, and will eventually sleep through the night, sometimes not making a sound..its what most parents beg for right? So why does it make me turn into some sort of neurotic and paranoid freak of a person? Ella was sick. She fought for almost 5 months. It was not sudden..I will never forget what it was like holding her when she was gone..It is my worst fear to have that happen again..to hold a child I love when they are cold.. I do not walk around worrying she will pick up germs while crawling, I don't worry about this sort of thing all of the time, but when it does happen, it certainly makes me question whether I will ever be normal again..will I ever NOT be paranoid that something bad is right around the corner?