Monday, November 1, 2010

Joy 2.0

The truth is I have been seriously doubting if I would ever have joy again.. joy from with-in type of stuff, soul glowing through my eyes type of joy..I knew whether I had no more kids or a million that it would never be the same..not without her..
This weekend we went to the pumpkin patch and had a nice weekend with some great friends.. We laughed like we use to, like we meant it.. I had 2 kids with me again.. I saw Cayden with little miss, showing her all of the fun stuff, and there at the pumpkin patch it happened..it started as a little flicker..the I saw her with Jay, he was holding her, she was laughing and clapping all day. She loved being with us, she loved being with the other kids. I picked her up after she was 'getting me' and she grabbed my face and leaned her forhead to mine and met eyes and she smiled and then slimed me with a big kiss...my heart will always yearn for Ella, I will always imagine her with us. Our friends have a 2 year old girl and I could imagine her and Ella running around playing together. Truth is though, she is running around playing, she is not alone, she has all of her other friends that were taken too soon to keep her company..At the pumpkin patch though, the joy crept up and took over. Its not the same joy as it was 2 years ago, but a new adaptation of joy..joy 2.0?

This was an accidental pic, we were trying to get one of her face when being tossed up, I about deleted it and thought 'wait, that is kinda perfect'


She is not from us, her DNA is not the same as Caydens, mine or Jays. I don't know for sure if we will have her this time next year.  I don't know if we will have her 3 months from now. I hate it that others are stand-offish for her in fear that they will 'get attached' and then if they leave it will cause too much pain. Would I like to keep her forever, yes more than anything. Will it suck if her parents donors get her back, heck yes, we will fight like hell to keep her, don't doubt that..but the reason we decided to go this route of foster/adoption is because we needed to help those who needed us as much as we do them. She knows us as her family and she is ours..she needs love, she needs a family, she needs all of the things we have to give.. if these kids in foster care didn't need more than that, they'd stay in group homes, shelters and 'orphanages' She needs a mom, a dad and a brother. She needs grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins..I also keep thinking about these people that are reserving attachment for a later date, what if it takes years to know anything for sure? what if we get to keep her and they've missed out on so much because we aren't sure how long we get her.. Lets be real, even if she were to come from my body, there are no guarantees..I have a list of blogs of people who never imagined their children would not be with them.. If I were to have another baby, I can't imagine not attaching to them because they could be sick, or SIDS could happen, or accidents could happen. If that were the case, we'd never attach to anyone.. we'd be alone in our own spaces.. Could you imagine not having your attachements? your kids, your spouse, parents? I can't even fathom it. I love her like I am going to keep her forever, I am her mother and I would do no less for any other child... she needs me and I need her.. whether I end up hurt or not, I will never regret it..I don't regret falling desperately in love with Ella, and losing her about killed me.I'd do it over and over again if I needed to.. she is worth it, so worth it..same with little miss..totally and completely worth it..

9 comments:

Kelli Morton said...

Jenn, I cried through your ENTIRE post! So sweet, and Little Miss is so very blessed to have you as her family!! Continuing prayers being said for you all! <3

Our Family said...

So glad you have each other. I hope and pray for you and her. You both need the great family you have today.

rebecca said...

Wow, what incredible love and strength you hold within yourself. She is one very lucky little girl to have you in her corner. You are so inspiring and reading your posts more and more tugs my heart towards foster care. Thank you for sharing. Sending peace & love

Mary said...

Jen, everytime I read your posts I so want them to just say Little Miss is yours. You all need each other and are helping each other through some painful moments. As for the others, it is thier loss unfortunately. Your bond with her is the most important.

Brittanie said...

I'm glad that you love her like that. Love can heal so much, and both giving and receiving, and both of you need that. I am praying she gets to be yours forever.

((hugs))

Jewls said...

I clicked on your blog from my little sister Whit's. What a beautiful post! Your blog made me bawl, and especially that quote by Oprah. My son is adopted, and he is seriously the biggest miracle of my life! I hope that everything works out for the best for you guys!

Elisabeth said...

Hi Jen,
Found your blog from your comment on TBM. We are first time foster parents since March. I have lived your words forward and backwards during that time. I blogged something similar 10/15. I hope to link up and follow your story.

so so so sorry for your loss. Ella is beautiful.

Lori said...

I adore that picture. It is precious. And beautiful. And so sad at the same time that there is still so much other emotion attached that can't even be spoken....

Praying for you...can only imagine all the twists and turns of emotions you are dealing with every day, but keeping you lifted!!!

Pipsylou said...

good job making me cry my ever-loving eyes out.

man, how i needed this post tonight.