Monday, November 15, 2010

angry eyebrows...

Cayden use to watch Veggie tales all of the time, I will always remember one specific episode about angry eyebrows, yeah you guessed it, it was about letting go of anger.. seems like a simple enough concept right? The past week or so, I'm pretty sure I have been sportin' these brows.. I have just been angry and resentful..for no real reason I guess.. nothing major has happened. We still are trucking right along..  We had a visit with the bio parents Friday, it was super craptastic. We sat down and figured out visits for the next 3 weeks, and then we will see what happens in court and if we need to schedule more.. ((praying we don't!!) They had missed the 2 visits before that one, the mom showed up Friday, and we schedule another for today since our SW has court later this week. They once again no show..so 3 outta the 4 they couldn't get it together enough to show.. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly fine with them proving their imcompetence as parents over and over.. however, I am not confident in the court system, that even though they have essentially done nothing since losing her *or their 3 other kids in fact, I worry they will just hand her back. We love her and would take wonderful care of her..forever. Here is where the anger kicks in though.. I will clarify first that I LOVE LOVE LOVE LM and will never ever regret taking her, but it seriously pisses me off that we are going through this. It pisses me off that our daughter is gone, and I would die for another hour with her and they can't find time to awaken from their drunken stuper to even see her. It pisses me off that I don't know what is going to happen with her, with us..it pisses me off that I worry about losing her to her parents, to death...why can't I just have a normal thought process.. this is my daughter and she will be here in my home until she goes to college..it pisses me off that others all around me have babies, kids and are pregnant and it seems as they have no worries or concerns..they appear to be happy and normal...I just want that.. not to worry about things like what if she ends up back with her parents and turns into a replica of her mother? A very stereo typical black out raging drunk indian..yeah way to be oringinal.. loser. What if they send her back to them and we fall apart, can we handle such a loss? my heart tells me yes, I know we've been through the deepest of valleys, and while it would suck beyond everything, we would get through it.. worse though, what if something terrible happens to her? barf.. so there I am pissed that I am not normal.. I am pissed that all we've wanted for 6 yrs was for our family to be complete, and for 9 months it was, and now, its at risk again from being torn from our fingertips.. so.close... I keep praying for the lord to be gentle, to please let something go in our favor for once..Jay said the other night 'I know she makes you happy, but my worry is if they take her, that you will fall apart again..'  My thought is how can I fall apart when I am still so obviously broken? I think that loving her has helped me put back together myself, little bits at a time. I know I smile more, I love another child that isn't from my body, and that is comforting to know.. I know right now, we have her next week and the week after, so let me love her as if its going to be forever, because quite frankly, isnt that what she needs the most?  If she gets taken back, we will cross that bridge, but for now, I need to hang on to what I have in this moment..and more importantly what she needs in this moment..

6 comments:

Christy said...

I feel like once someone has gone through such a major loss like you have, Jen, you:
1. have every right to be angry
2. have every right to be scared
3. you are so much more grateful and aware and honest and empathetic and sensitive (which I know we'd all give that up to have our babies back)

I just want you to know that I think of you so often, and I think of your beautiful Ella, and I think of LM and am so saddened by her parents and how irresponsible they are and our messed up court system.

I know you probably hate hearing this, but you are brave and strong, and I stand in awe of you.

rebecca said...

Ugh so horribly frustrating you guys and her hanging in the balance waiting for the court system to make a decision. Hoping so much for all of you that as you said for once things turn out as they should and she is able to stay with your family. Also, you have every right to feel angry about the situation you are in and LM is in. I too have been struggling with feelings of anger with the unfairness of it all and how easily irresponsible parents are able to conceive. Life is just painful unfair at times and it sucks.
What you guys are doing for LM and the love you are showing her is inspiring, know that no matter what the love you guys have shown her is something she will always have and can never be taken away.
As Christy said, you are an amazing, strong, and inspiring woman.

brigette said...

I'm so sorry!! I don't blame you for being upset and scared and frustrated. You have every right. You are one amazing lady and the things you are doing for that sweet little girl are so important. Your making a.difference. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you guys your what that little girl nees much love!!

Molly said...

praying for a good outcome for this sweet baby girl and your family, too !

shan said...

Jen, it must be the season. I've been going through the same thing. I haven't blogged or done anything much but struggle with my worried, angry funk. I identify so much with what you are saying, and even though my number three little girl is not foster I totally get so much of what you are saying. I worry about so much with Sarah, about loosing her too, how everything affects our oldest, how I am such a screwed up mess... on and on. Just wanted to let you know I get you sister. Praying we can help each other out of this funk. I know reading your blog today has helped me to feel so much less alone!

The Real Life of a Red Head said...

Hi Jen,

Just stopping by from Heather's site. My son Joshua passed away on Oct. 6, 2010 from a severe heart defect (the same defect that Heather's son Parker has.) This was our first actual holiday without him.

Just wanted to say hi and let you know that you have others here to support you. Unfortunately, we are part of a club that no one EVER wants to be a part of.

Much love to you,

Jill