Monday, November 29, 2010

should be so easy..

Walking through hobby lobby today seemed like a simple enough task before I left this morning..I was wrong. Let me start by telling you the whole story of my crash course to a broken heart day.

Little Miss came to me with only her newborn vaccinations ((there was no record of birth,medical history, or anything)) so the emergency foster parents had taken her in got the first, and I was to continue getting her caught up. Well every time we had an appt, it turned into a sick visit, i.e. ear infections, flu, and another ear infection. So today was the day. 9:30 this morning we arrived. Taken to the very room Ella received her vaccinations and first visits..(I am a freak and remember all of our past room numbers)  The doctor did the exam and visit, she clung to my neck and pushed him away for the most part. Nurse came in with 3 shots (5 vaccines) She has me lay her down and hold her arms.. I literally flashed back to Ella and felt an instant anxiety attack...'please, just hurry' is all I could get out..she pokes her fast and LM starts screaming, I am still flashing back and forth, feeling like I am about to lose it.."she is okay, mom" the nurse said..she had no clue what was happening in my head..I sit and rock her and compose myself and get her calmed down and leave the clinic.. I take her to my moms for a bit (I had a few errands and she was beyond tired already) and run to hobby lobby for a few items..

I got fabric I needed and headed to get some stuff for Ella's grave. I walked up and down and up and down the same aisles over and over.. I could feel my heart beating through my skin. All I could think of is how I am buying decor for my daughters daughters. grave...that doesnt even sound natural, right?! so many flowers and options, I couldn't do it.. and the sad dreary christmas music.. what the crap? I hate Christmas music, but if you're gonna play it, speed it up, play something jolly for Heavens sake.. anyway, I hopped over a few aisles and walked aimlessly through the Christmas stuff. I picked up a few more things and promptly left.

My heart by this point had to be in a million least. I kept thinking of Christmas 2 years ago, when we had her..she was perfect. she was happy. and we had no clue what was going on inside of her tiny body. I wish I could be haunted by the ghost of christmas past and take me back to then.. to see how happy and naive we were.. saying things like "next christmas she will be old enough to ....*fill in blank*.. I honestly thought since we made it through last years holiday season that this year would be easier.. but its hurts more because its not so fresh, seems so long ago..and  because so often I look at people and wander if they still think about her.. do they remember how cute she was in her Christmas dress?  probably not..and that sucks..

 all 3 of these are from Dec 2008.
this was her excited face, always made us crack up!!!

Christmas dress on Christmas day, this is also the dress we buried her in..
 daddy and Ella in Branson, she loved the lights and did awesome the entire trip for being so stinkin' cold!!

LM has one visitation scheduled this week and her bio parents are due in court next week.. hopefully something is determined at that point.. because what we are doing now, is not good for her. the back and forth..or for us.. I pray the judge see's that the parents continue doing the same things that caused them to lose her as well as the other 3 previous children.. they don't show for over half of the visits, and aren't doing any of the work to prove themselves as fit parents.. I pray they don't show up and just lose their rights.. or that they just see how good she is doing and agree to sign over.. but it is so hard to be optimistic.. I have complete faith that God's will for her life will be done, as well as ours.. unfortunately I am very much aware that God's will doesn't always coincide with ours... so we'll see..if you pray, please pray..if not, maybe think of good vibes and send them our way in the next few weeks..

sorry to dump this today.. I haven't blogged alot lately.. everything is seeming so heavy.. stress over LM and her pending status, the stress of our daily life without Ella.. Its funny how you always assume things will be one way when you grow up. House, husband, job, 2 kids and 1 dog..we were so dang close.. you would think it all would just come so easy.. no one tells you that chances are you will have to fight like hell just to get the 'simple things'..ugh...Please oh please, just let this work out..

me and C with our new hope..


Bree said...

I love the pictures of Ella. She was so beautiful. I think Nora has that same sweater she is wearing in the last picture.
Praying for you and Miss Lily. I'm glad things will be determined soon as I know it is killing you. The anticipation is so rough. Thinking of you. xo

Elisabeth said...

I can not even fathom what torment you must go through having lost your sweet daughter. :*( I am so sorry for your loss. She is beautiful in her pictures.

I am so glad you have LM to love on through the pain. She needs you and the love you can give her.

Lori said...

Oh Jen....just reading this and looking at those beautiful pictures just breaks my heart for you...praying, praying, praying that LM stays and continues to bring joy and hope to heart hurts thinking of how it couldn't be any other way for you...

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Anonymous said...

Ella was absolutely beautiful! I can't even imagine. I truly believe that God put's people in our lives for a reason, HE has a perfect plan is for LM.

I will keep you all in my prayers, you have a pure giving heart and you are already so much stronger than you know. xoxo