Monday, November 29, 2010

should be so easy..

Walking through hobby lobby today seemed like a simple enough task before I left this morning..I was wrong. Let me start by telling you the whole story of my crash course to a broken heart day.

Little Miss came to me with only her newborn vaccinations ((there was no record of birth,medical history, or anything)) so the emergency foster parents had taken her in got the first, and I was to continue getting her caught up. Well every time we had an appt, it turned into a sick visit, i.e. ear infections, flu, and another ear infection. So today was the day. 9:30 this morning we arrived. Taken to the very room Ella received her vaccinations and first visits..(I am a freak and remember all of our past room numbers)  The doctor did the exam and visit, she clung to my neck and pushed him away for the most part. Nurse came in with 3 shots (5 vaccines) She has me lay her down and hold her arms.. I literally flashed back to Ella and felt an instant anxiety attack...'please, just hurry' is all I could get out..she pokes her fast and LM starts screaming, I am still flashing back and forth, feeling like I am about to lose it.."she is okay, mom" the nurse said..she had no clue what was happening in my head..I sit and rock her and compose myself and get her calmed down and leave the clinic.. I take her to my moms for a bit (I had a few errands and she was beyond tired already) and run to hobby lobby for a few items..

I got fabric I needed and headed to get some stuff for Ella's grave. I walked up and down and up and down the same aisles over and over.. I could feel my heart beating through my skin. All I could think of is how I am buying decor for my daughters daughters. grave...that doesnt even sound natural, right?! so many flowers and options, I couldn't do it.. and the sad dreary christmas music.. what the crap? I hate Christmas music, but if you're gonna play it, speed it up, play something jolly for Heavens sake.. anyway, I hopped over a few aisles and walked aimlessly through the Christmas stuff. I picked up a few more things and promptly left.

My heart by this point had to be in a million least. I kept thinking of Christmas 2 years ago, when we had her..she was perfect. she was happy. and we had no clue what was going on inside of her tiny body. I wish I could be haunted by the ghost of christmas past and take me back to then.. to see how happy and naive we were.. saying things like "next christmas she will be old enough to ....*fill in blank*.. I honestly thought since we made it through last years holiday season that this year would be easier.. but its hurts more because its not so fresh, seems so long ago..and  because so often I look at people and wander if they still think about her.. do they remember how cute she was in her Christmas dress?  probably not..and that sucks..

 all 3 of these are from Dec 2008.
this was her excited face, always made us crack up!!!

Christmas dress on Christmas day, this is also the dress we buried her in..
 daddy and Ella in Branson, she loved the lights and did awesome the entire trip for being so stinkin' cold!!

LM has one visitation scheduled this week and her bio parents are due in court next week.. hopefully something is determined at that point.. because what we are doing now, is not good for her. the back and forth..or for us.. I pray the judge see's that the parents continue doing the same things that caused them to lose her as well as the other 3 previous children.. they don't show for over half of the visits, and aren't doing any of the work to prove themselves as fit parents.. I pray they don't show up and just lose their rights.. or that they just see how good she is doing and agree to sign over.. but it is so hard to be optimistic.. I have complete faith that God's will for her life will be done, as well as ours.. unfortunately I am very much aware that God's will doesn't always coincide with ours... so we'll see..if you pray, please pray..if not, maybe think of good vibes and send them our way in the next few weeks..

sorry to dump this today.. I haven't blogged alot lately.. everything is seeming so heavy.. stress over LM and her pending status, the stress of our daily life without Ella.. Its funny how you always assume things will be one way when you grow up. House, husband, job, 2 kids and 1 dog..we were so dang close.. you would think it all would just come so easy.. no one tells you that chances are you will have to fight like hell just to get the 'simple things'..ugh...Please oh please, just let this work out..

me and C with our new hope..

Monday, November 15, 2010

angry eyebrows...

Cayden use to watch Veggie tales all of the time, I will always remember one specific episode about angry eyebrows, yeah you guessed it, it was about letting go of anger.. seems like a simple enough concept right? The past week or so, I'm pretty sure I have been sportin' these brows.. I have just been angry and resentful..for no real reason I guess.. nothing major has happened. We still are trucking right along..  We had a visit with the bio parents Friday, it was super craptastic. We sat down and figured out visits for the next 3 weeks, and then we will see what happens in court and if we need to schedule more.. ((praying we don't!!) They had missed the 2 visits before that one, the mom showed up Friday, and we schedule another for today since our SW has court later this week. They once again no 3 outta the 4 they couldn't get it together enough to show.. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly fine with them proving their imcompetence as parents over and over.. however, I am not confident in the court system, that even though they have essentially done nothing since losing her *or their 3 other kids in fact, I worry they will just hand her back. We love her and would take wonderful care of her..forever. Here is where the anger kicks in though.. I will clarify first that I LOVE LOVE LOVE LM and will never ever regret taking her, but it seriously pisses me off that we are going through this. It pisses me off that our daughter is gone, and I would die for another hour with her and they can't find time to awaken from their drunken stuper to even see her. It pisses me off that I don't know what is going to happen with her, with pisses me off that I worry about losing her to her parents, to death...why can't I just have a normal thought process.. this is my daughter and she will be here in my home until she goes to pisses me off that others all around me have babies, kids and are pregnant and it seems as they have no worries or concerns..they appear to be happy and normal...I just want that.. not to worry about things like what if she ends up back with her parents and turns into a replica of her mother? A very stereo typical black out raging drunk indian..yeah way to be oringinal.. loser. What if they send her back to them and we fall apart, can we handle such a loss? my heart tells me yes, I know we've been through the deepest of valleys, and while it would suck beyond everything, we would get through it.. worse though, what if something terrible happens to her? barf.. so there I am pissed that I am not normal.. I am pissed that all we've wanted for 6 yrs was for our family to be complete, and for 9 months it was, and now, its at risk again from being torn from our fingertips.. so.close... I keep praying for the lord to be gentle, to please let something go in our favor for once..Jay said the other night 'I know she makes you happy, but my worry is if they take her, that you will fall apart again..'  My thought is how can I fall apart when I am still so obviously broken? I think that loving her has helped me put back together myself, little bits at a time. I know I smile more, I love another child that isn't from my body, and that is comforting to know.. I know right now, we have her next week and the week after, so let me love her as if its going to be forever, because quite frankly, isnt that what she needs the most?  If she gets taken back, we will cross that bridge, but for now, I need to hang on to what I have in this moment..and more importantly what she needs in this moment..

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

paranoia will destroy ya..

The other night/early morning I had a dream, although at the time I didn't realize it was a dream. I heard a strange sound over the monitor that sounded like a water hose was going, I walked into the room and the humidifier was spitting huge amounts of water into the crib, I had just turned on the bathroom light, so it was dark, the water was standing and I could see blankets floating, I reached down and grabbed her up and she was cold and gone, I started crying and screaming NOT AGAIN!! NOT AGAIN!!Please not again.. I woke up soaked from the tears and my heart was beating a mile a minute. I check on her, and she is dry and in the bed and the humidifer is only sending out steam.

Next night, it was a little cool in the house, but I kept it that way so LM wouldn't get too warm and cause a coughing attack((still sick)). It was the night of the time change, so I expected her to wake up between 12:30 and 1:30am for a bottle. I woke up at 3:30 and realized she hadn't made a sound. I turn on the hallway light and walk in. She is lying as still as can be, and because her jammies are a little loose, I can't see her chest moving. I stick my finger in her hand and she doesn't squeeze. I touch her face and it was cool, she didn't open her eyes or move her face at all.. No, no, no, no, no, no is all I can remember thinking. I pick her up fast and she just melts into me, not making a sound, I pull her out a little and shake her (just once and not hard) she looked up at me as though I were insane. I sat in the rocker and started to cry..I kept thinking and wandering if I was going to be this way forever.. I was doubting my sanity, should I even be allowed to care for a baby? I changed her, fed her and rocked her back to sleep, holding her for well over an hour. I laid her back down, turned up the heat, and went to my bed and laid there, I think I fell asleep right before the alarm went off.

I realize she is 7 months old, and will eventually sleep through the night, sometimes not making a sound..its what most parents beg for right? So why does it make me turn into some sort of neurotic and paranoid freak of a person? Ella was sick. She fought for almost 5 months. It was not sudden..I will never forget what it was like holding her when she was gone..It is my worst fear to have that happen hold a child I love when they are cold.. I do not walk around worrying she will pick up germs while crawling, I don't worry about this sort of thing all of the time, but when it does happen, it certainly makes me question whether I will ever be normal again..will I ever NOT be paranoid that something bad is right around the corner?

Monday, November 1, 2010

Joy 2.0

The truth is I have been seriously doubting if I would ever have joy again.. joy from with-in type of stuff, soul glowing through my eyes type of joy..I knew whether I had no more kids or a million that it would never be the same..not without her..
This weekend we went to the pumpkin patch and had a nice weekend with some great friends.. We laughed like we use to, like we meant it.. I had 2 kids with me again.. I saw Cayden with little miss, showing her all of the fun stuff, and there at the pumpkin patch it started as a little flicker..the I saw her with Jay, he was holding her, she was laughing and clapping all day. She loved being with us, she loved being with the other kids. I picked her up after she was 'getting me' and she grabbed my face and leaned her forhead to mine and met eyes and she smiled and then slimed me with a big heart will always yearn for Ella, I will always imagine her with us. Our friends have a 2 year old girl and I could imagine her and Ella running around playing together. Truth is though, she is running around playing, she is not alone, she has all of her other friends that were taken too soon to keep her company..At the pumpkin patch though, the joy crept up and took over. Its not the same joy as it was 2 years ago, but a new adaptation of 2.0?

This was an accidental pic, we were trying to get one of her face when being tossed up, I about deleted it and thought 'wait, that is kinda perfect'

She is not from us, her DNA is not the same as Caydens, mine or Jays. I don't know for sure if we will have her this time next year.  I don't know if we will have her 3 months from now. I hate it that others are stand-offish for her in fear that they will 'get attached' and then if they leave it will cause too much pain. Would I like to keep her forever, yes more than anything. Will it suck if her parents donors get her back, heck yes, we will fight like hell to keep her, don't doubt that..but the reason we decided to go this route of foster/adoption is because we needed to help those who needed us as much as we do them. She knows us as her family and she is ours..she needs love, she needs a family, she needs all of the things we have to give.. if these kids in foster care didn't need more than that, they'd stay in group homes, shelters and 'orphanages' She needs a mom, a dad and a brother. She needs grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins..I also keep thinking about these people that are reserving attachment for a later date, what if it takes years to know anything for sure? what if we get to keep her and they've missed out on so much because we aren't sure how long we get her.. Lets be real, even if she were to come from my body, there are no guarantees..I have a list of blogs of people who never imagined their children would not be with them.. If I were to have another baby, I can't imagine not attaching to them because they could be sick, or SIDS could happen, or accidents could happen. If that were the case, we'd never attach to anyone.. we'd be alone in our own spaces.. Could you imagine not having your attachements? your kids, your spouse, parents? I can't even fathom it. I love her like I am going to keep her forever, I am her mother and I would do no less for any other child... she needs me and I need her.. whether I end up hurt or not, I will never regret it..I don't regret falling desperately in love with Ella, and losing her about killed me.I'd do it over and over again if I needed to.. she is worth it, so worth it..same with little miss..totally and completely worth it..