Monday, February 7, 2011

this and that...

We have had record snow fall here and have just about dug out and now we are told that we are getting another 6-10 inches tomorrow but I guess all of the free time has been good for Lily, she has finally taken off and can now walk! she is still wobbly, but is doing great :) She is so stinking cute! I just love her so much..

This past week was a little rough. On feb 2, it had been 2 years since Ella was diagnosed and we were given the 'enjoy your time left with her' talk.. All week I just thought about holding her and crying, praying, being mad, and even defiant towards God, telling him he can't take her..then I began for myself to die before she did. With each headache I would honestly pray it was some sort of aneurysm and I would just be gone. All feelings and thoughts that I had never had before then. I realize now, that was selfish and a tad insane, but at the time my heart and head just weren't very logical. I thought of her looking at me confused and touching my face as the tears came down.. Saturday night while at one of my bf's house she gave me all of the pics that she ever took of Ella on a disc, edited and unedited. I knew she was sick, I could see her getting worse as the pictures progressed. I got to the picture group of the ones taken right before she passed and I got to the 2nd one and just had to walk away.. I knew at that time, that she was fading and frail, but I didn't see her the way everyone else did I guess. I still just saw my baby, I still prayed for her miracle, I held out in faith that she would be brought back to new, just as she were a few months before.. and ultimately she was made new, just in Heaven. Seeing those pictures though... I just cried and cried all night in bed, I woke up to cry some more.. Sometimes I can't tell where the pain comes from, is it from believing she is gone, or is it from remembering she was actually here? I feel alot of the time, that it was a bad dream, it happened though.. my heart is scarred and broken and will never be the same. I always miss her, she is always with me, but days (weeks) like this are so cruel.. I try to stay busy and distracted, focused on what is here with me, in front of me.. sometimes its just not possible... its just too much.. but I must take comfort in knowing that she is in the arms of our father.. she is no longer frail, pail and stuggling. She is running, laughing and singing praises.. I am thankful for this, but I still miss her..


Michelle and Sean said...

Jen, I can really relate to some of what you are saying. Since being given Maggies diagnosis and told that she doesn't have long and to enjoy what time we have. I also at times wonder if maybe me being dizzy is much more than just not getting the nutrition I need and sometimes I hope that it is more. I don't know if you feel/felt this too but I just think its not fair for her to go and be by herself. I love my other kids so much and I would never want to miss out on their lives but part of me just feels stuck in a really bad place of wanting to be with her on the other side. I'm sorry I also just have thoughts that probably don't make sense to a lot of people but I can't help but feel torn even though I have no control over what happens.

I'm sorry for what you are feeling on this two year mark. I will pray for peace for you.

So excited to hear that Lily is walking!!

Famille Wopat said...

Of course you miss her.
Jen, I just want you to know that I wish there was ANYTHING I could do to bring you a healthy, happy, safe Ella Bella back to you.
My heart just aches with how much you miss her. It aches with that beautiful girl getting sick.
I'm just so, very sorry.
Christy (almost a mother)