6 weeks today

and I still feel so broken... I take comfort in knowing that she is in Heaven singing praises to our Lord.. still the selfish mommy that I am, just wants her here and in my arms..one day though, I will see her and hug her and kiss her sweet chubby cheeks and NEVER let her go.. I have been feeling down all day (week) and worse now.. A very sweet lady I've met and talked to has a son named Jace. He is believed to have mito also, (unconfirmed though) they went to a specialist today and had the "keep him comfortable for as long as you can" speech.. I remember this and other than her passing, was the worse day of my life.. please raise this sweet family and precious baby up.. He goes in tomorrow morning to have another kind of feeding tube placed. Hopefully this helps and offers him some relief.

please check out his caring bridge site and leave them some encouraging words...
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jaceschweitzer
thanks..
Jen


this is my sweet Ella Bella 6 weeks after she was born... if only there was a time machine to go back to these days and pause..

Angry Cayden

Cayden stayed a few nights at my brothers this week and came home last night..this was one of our first conversations.. Cayden huffs in the kitchen first...

C- MOM..come and look at this mess in my room...
M- What are you talking about? (as I walk in the room with him)
C- THIS!! (points to his Wii)
M- What??? (nothing appears to be wrong)
C- Can't you see the red sticky finger marks? Now the eject button isn't working!(still very upset)
M- Oh.. that must have been Zane..he had a fruit roll up the other night and came in here and played some..
C- (completely fine all of the sudden) oh okay.. next time will you just wipe his fingers off first?
M- umm sure Cayden....

apparently because it was Zane all is forgiven... crazy kid turned all hulk for a minute... I was able to take an alcohol swab and clean it in 2 seconds and the world was once safe again from Angry Cayden..
~~yes..that is a red fruit roll up in his mouth.. but he is far too cute to be angry at :)


my niece Madison stayed the night on Sunday night.. we love our nieces and nephews so much :)
anyway.. check out Cayden's tan!! this is only after a week of swimming!! he was kind enough to tell me I needed to swim some, since I was white as Bella from twilight.. ahh.. honesty...don't you love it...(notice the belly on him too.. its kinda cute on him, but we are working on us all losing the extra pounds from the fast food from our stays in the hospital and other comfort foods everyone was kind enough to provide during all of this.. :)

So wrong Wednesday......

clarification~ I am not saying that parents do not have the right to discipline their children and the right to feel frustrated or upset.. I am not perfect, I am not the perfect mother.. the wal mart scenario though, was upsetting for me, the way she handled her children was not okay..she was grabbing their arms and pulling them out and being loud and very cruel..it was not just a reprimand.. I have been guilty of leaning down in public and giving Cayden a soft, but stern warning that he better straighten up. He does still get in trouble from time to time and is still most certainly expected to behave and show respect.. I also have times where I have to tell him to just "give me a few minutes please".. my point is that I know it is natural for every parent to have times to gripe, to feel agitated or frustrated..as long as it is handled appropriately.. I was telling one of my friends that when Ella was sick and crying so much, I would feel so frustrated and appear angry, but it was not at her..it was because I was angry at the situation..now I feel bad about it.. I should have just chilled out and held her.. I know my emotions did not help sooth her any faster.. but I am only human too.. and I have and had the right to feel what I feel at that moment.. I however do not have the right to physically and verbally abuse my children.. no one does... anyway..I just wanted to clarify a few things ;)
I made up wrong Wednesday because I can't do wordless without sharing my story about yesterday..
Yesterday I went to water the sod on Ella's grave and as I was sitting there I was thinking how sorry I was that I was watering my 10 month old's grave instead of teaching her to walk, eat new things, etc etc.. I started bawling finished up and came home. I laid on the couch crying for God to either take me home with her or at least make the pain more tolerable.. Neither happened, so I got myself back to "sane" and Jay came home and we had a few things to do before Stephen, Jess and the boys came over for dinner and swimming. Still feeling sad and completely blah, (yes that is a feeling) we were at Wal-Mart and in the next lane a lady with 2 young boys caught our attention. She was dragging them by their arms and telling them what brats they are and just being so inappropriate.. We had been standing in line for several minutes and they were running their hands up and down the coolers, but otherwise not doing anything.. Jay and I shared a glance and stood in silence... I just wanted to slap her or shake some sense into her.. she has NO idea how lucky she is.. and no idea of the meaning of tact obviously.. I'm certain Jay and I were thinking the same thing... how wrong it is that we are watering sod on our daughters grave and how wrong it is that people don't appreciate their children..

whats missing in this picture??

Tomorrow is a month since she has been gone.. a month since we've smelled her sweet breath, a month since we've heard her sweet voice, a month that last forever and has seemed as though its flew by, both at the same time...

babies and bows everywhere..

I can't turn around today without seeing a baby with a bow.. I got Ella a little pool on clearance last year for this summer, since she would be sitting up and old enough to splash around in a little one.. I saw the same one at Wal-mart today and thought I was going to absolutely lose it.. overwhelmingly sad instantly.. so we avoid the baby and toy section and am in the grocery section and they are everywhere.. babies, not even just babies.. babies with bows..is it just me?? or are they actually everywhere? Taunting me on purpose? to remind me of what we have lost? I dont need reminders...sometimes I am fine and other times I am not.. I miss her so bad I can't even stand it.. I have been staying so busy, but today its catching up with me and I feel like I could just lay down and die.. I want to hold her, I want to kiss her.. I keep thinking of her funeral when I looked at her before we left for the cemetary..I looked at her and it hit me "take this in, this will be the last time you see her again" I wanted to pick her up and run.. YOU CAN'T TAKE HER! SHE IS MY BABY AND BELONGS WITH ME!!!!! but she was gone.. I keep expecting to wake up like this is all an awful dream, but instead I wake up in silence..nothing.. I look over and her bassinet is gone.. and its not fair.. What did I do to deserve this? why MY baby? I loved her enough, I took good care of her, I WANTED HER SO BAD... and now all I have is this huge gaping hole.. people are back to work, visitors are slowing down, cards stopped and emails are now back to normal.. just like she weren't here... I know life doesnt stop, it can't stop.. I can't begin to explain how I feel.. I am okay and then I am so mad, sad, feel cheated, all at once.. I know life goes on... I pray one day we have another child to maybe fill in a little of this gap..right now though, in this moment.. I feel empty..my heart is broken into a million pieces... I cry when I don't expect it... when I think I am okay, something grabs me and pulls me back into reality.. my awful and sad reality, of the lifetime I have to go on without my daughter....anyway..this is me and my pity party for today...

to camp or not to camp...

well that was the question..

**Monday 6am- we all got up bright and early to get Cayden ready and on the bus to Joplin for his first year of church camp. He really wanted to go, and I really was not ready. I knew that he had least had to try though and who knows...maybe..just MAYBE he would do okay...
**Monday 3pm, 6:30pm, etc etc... several calls from cousin Katies phone Monday afternoon..and hearing about how some of his money was stolen, he was thrown in a disgusting pond, and there were kids that weren't very nice, and not to mention "having to sleep in a chicken coop with all of these boys" he made the choice camp was not for him..not for now at least. He called last night about 10:30 and said he just wanted to come home.. I told him to sleep on it and if he wanted to come home, to call me this morning...
**Tuesday 8:15am.. BIG surprise my phone rings..cayden says "mom, I just cant handle this and I need to come home" So Jay is in the Grove area this weekend for a paintball tourney and so he drove to Joplin and Erin and I drove to Grove and met them, ate lunch and Erin and I drove back and Cayden stayed with Jay.. so we drove that way to see them for about an hour and had to turn back around and come home.. that's okay though.. as long as he is happy and Jay will bring him home tomorrow night..
So camp this year was not a success.. I think he's just not ready to be apart from us just yet.. since Ella passed he has been so loving and sweet...and a tad clingy.. its only been 3 weeks today, I don't think anyone can predict how we will feel from day to day, or even hour to hour for that fact..C doesnt talk much about Ella's passing.. he talks about this or that, but not about how he feels or anything like that.. some days he seems okay and others he is quiet and stays to himself.. I am making some calls to have him and us see a grief counselor. I THINK cayden is dealing as well as can be expected, but I want to make sure that he is okay.. I have been having awful nightmares nightly, not even always about Ella..but I am sure it is due to everything and the stress lately... I know things will level out for us all again.. hopefully sooner than later :)

He seemed excited to go.. here is on the bus before they left...


He is really such a great kid and we are so incredibly blessed by having him. He is so beautiful, funny, caring, and smart! Sometimes he makes us a little crazy, but Wow.. I love him so much and am so thankful for him and his health..

This is C, Elizabeth and Joey.. cayden loves Joey and was/is such a great big brother.. I loved seeing him with Ella and love seeing him with our friends and family's kids.. it makes him seem complete when he's toting and entertaining a toddler ;)



(nevermind the filthy sliding door..that's emberassing!)

please....

PLEASE, don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be over it.
PLEASE, don't tell me she's in a better place.
She isn't here with me.
PLEASE, don't say at least she isn't suffering.
I haven't come to terms with why she had to suffer at all.
PLEASE, don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost a child.
PLEASE, don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
PLEASE, don't tell me at least you had her for so many days, weeks, months.
What year, month or day would you choose for your child to die?
PLEASE, don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear. I know this and believe this..its still hard.
PLEASE, just say you are sorry.
PLEASE, just say you remember my child, if you do.
PLEASE, just let me talk about my child.
PLEASE, mention my child's name.
PLEASE, just let me cry.