Friday, July 24, 2009

the sea of grief



Walking With You was created to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. I have been reading others for a while now, but this is my first time to actually post.. This week, we are sharing our first steps into the sea of grief.

my grief started December 30th 2008.. Ella had been up all night screaming and vomiting. I held her to me and tried to soothe her. We took her into the hospital (a smaller local one) and they examined, xrayed her belly, did an occult card and eventually started an IV. They told us there was something wrong and her stomach was kind of kinked and required 1 procedure to test for it and to cure it at the same time. BUT they did not do it there and had to send her to The Childrens hospital. We got in the ambulance, Jay followed in our car.. She was finally asleep in her carseat and seemed okay.. I thought "never mind, she feels okay"ummm wrong.. we got to the ER and they swept her in, doctors and nurses everywhere..the ER dr looked at me and Jay and said "thats not what is wrong, we are admitting her and will find out though" he looked concerned, the nurses looked concerned.. He failed to tell us the room she was being admitted to was PICU.. so we follow her up and see its the ICU and the nurses tell us to wait in the lobby so they can examine her and get her settled.. I sat looking at our families looking at me.. I got up and went to the restroom and melted, I wept and my heart was breaking.. Jay came in and hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay.. I kept thinking and saying "what if its bad, what if it is something they cant fix?!" I knew at that time we were treading some serious waters..long story short, they thought it was meningitis and it wasnt (obviously) you can scroll back to Jan 09 blogs and get the full picture..
The next few weeks and monthsI grieved her, I grieved the baby that SHOULD have been getting stronger, but instead was getting weaker and weaker. I knew that she did not have long left, we had made the decision to take her to the hospital when we thought the end was nearing, so Cayden (and us) would not have that in our head everytime we glanced in her room or bassinet in our room.. We took her back to childrens early Monday morning and she was stable all night, they nurse came in to check on her and her HR was low, but steady.. and all of the sudden her breaths were further between eachother, Jay had came home late Monday night to stay with Cayden.. I would call if things changed.. We thought we had at least a few days.. My best friend Erin had stayed the night with me there, and I am so glad she did..She grabbed the nurse and she came in listened, and looked at me sadly and said her heart rate is 20 and her breathing is only 6-7 per minute..WHAT?! no.. no.. it was just 85!! her respirations were in the 20's!! I felt sick and knew time was short..I cried and leaned over her bed and then she was gone.. I will blog about the other details following that later..grief is what this is suppose to be about.. so I came home, Cayden rode with my aunt Cheryl.. I think he was scared I was going to lose it.. It was silent the whole way home. I looked out the window as tears streamed down my face and Jay would hold my hand or rub my hair.. I got home and Jay just started moving everything into her room, took down her bassinet, blankets, IV pole, feeding bag.. I sat on the couch numb.. what do I do if I am not taking care of her? it was quiet the next 2 days.. Jay and I and Cayden wept silently.. and I was taking a shower Wednesday night and it all came down on me.. I saw her bath soap and rag.. I would never bathe my daughter again.. I fell and cried hysterically and jay came in and just held me.. I screamed and cried how I wasnt ready, I wanted her back NOW! Why did this happen? What did I do wrong!? this IS NOT fair?! he cried and said he knew...I got out took something to help me relax and slept.. and I kept wondering who am I, if I am not taking care of Ella? she had required so much, that I was lost.. I kept cleaning, wondering the house... 66 days later, I am working from home again, but I still feel lost.. I feel like I am missing a part of me..the world has gone on, and we are just here..barely treading this water...
Sometimes I think I should be stronger, if I had the appropriate amount of faith, would I be okay? am I not trusting in our Lord like I should, is that why this hurts so bad? but I am human, its not natural to grieve for your child, so as I see it,there are no certain ways to grieve my baby... I have my son and husband who make me go on..life doesn't stop because she is gone..it started because she was here.. I will miss and grieve her until I take my last breath on this earth...

10 comments:

Jennifer Ross said...

Your loss is so fresh. I am so so sorry that this has happened to your family. Your daughter is just beautiful!!! Precious! Thank you for sharing your heart. We are all here for you. God Bless.

Much Love,
Jenny

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Jen..I am weeping with you...as I read your words. My heart is aching...I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Ella. So sorry. If I can send you a Dreams of You Package, please email me your address (sufficientgraceministries@gmail.com). I just want to say also...it is not a lack of faith on your part, this pain you feel...this terrible weight of grief. It is not that you are not trusting Him enough. He is able to carry you...to hold you...even when you are not strong enough to hold on. And, I am praying that you will feel the comfort of His arms around you. That struggle with wondering if you have enough faith was a battle of mine as well. And, after walking there and studying God's word...and desperately asking Him to speak to my heart, I want to assure you that what you are feeling is grief and you are a mother who has lost her child. Of course you feel unspeakable pain and sorrow and a million other emotions. God will ease your sorrow in time, but it is not a lack of trust in Him that causes the pain you feel. You just miss your baby. Knowing that God is the One to turn to is enough...the healing takes time. But He is able...He will carry you. Praying for you and your family...

In His Grace,
Kelly Gerken
Sufficient Grace Ministries

Holly said...

My heart is hurting for you and your story brings me to tears. I don't think faith has anything to do with the amount of grief you feel. Even if you had the largest amount of faith it would still hurt. God is weeping with us and He is waiting with His arms wide open.

dg darling said...

You are in my prayers daily...

Janis @ SneakPeek said...

Jen - I sent you a link on FB to the Dempsey Burdick Memorial Foundation. On the home page is a song that reminded me of Ella, "Too Good For This World." Sending you many many hugs!!!

Christy said...

My heart breaks for you......
Christy

Anonymous said...

I do not know you, but my heart breaks for the pain you are in. I found out about Ella on FB, and have been following her since. You are an amazingly strong woman, and I admire you for that. I can not express to you how sorry I am for your loss. Thank you for sharing your journey, and your beautiful daughter with us. You have truly taught me to appreciate my sons more everyday, and I thank you for that.

Anonymous said...

lETS TALK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT GRIEF.BETTER YET, MAKE IT GUILT. I DROPPED OFF ELLAS TOYS AT YOUR HOUSE, WHICH KILLED ME INSIDE.I SAT THE BAG INSIDE HER BEDROOM AND ALMOST LOST IT. THAT IS WHY I KEPT HURRYING MAKAYLA TO LEAVE.I GOT IN THE CAR AND STARTED TO DRIVE BACK HOME. AND I LOST IT, MAKAYLA EVEN KNEW WHY I DID IT. IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY THAT THESE KIDS WONT EVER GET THE CHANCE TO PLAY TOGETHER OR EVEN HAVE SLEEP OVERS. ITS NOT FAIR TO CAYDEN, MADISON , MAKAYLA OR ANY OF THE KIDS AT THAT MATTER. I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO TAKE ALL THIS. THERE IS NOTHING EASY ABOUT IT. FAITH IS HARD TO KEEP RIGHT NOW. BUT I KNOW AT WIL PREVAIL EVENTUALLY. TOM

Anonymous said...

Jen, I am so sorry that you cannot hold your baby Ella today. You are still in my heart and thoughts. It is so dark right now it is impossible to see, but I promise God is holding you. Take your time. God is not judging. He is patiently waiting for your wounds to begin healing. Love Shelley

Stephanie said...

Jen my heart is breaking for you. Please know that I loved your ella and she is so incredibly precious. I will always always remember her...I pray that you can find peace in knowing that she made a difference in someones life.