Wednesday, July 22, 2009

this time last year

was showers, putting the finishing touches on your room, and just waiting for miss sunshine to arrive.. yesterday was your 11 month birthday.. I felt so tense all day, and definitely had a "woe is me day" I cried and cried.. I went to the cemetery and lost it.. its crazy how it hits me... I was thinking to myself that we should be planning a big huge birthday party for my baby, and again..instead I was at the cemetery.. crying so hard I couldn't breath.. I just kept rubbing the grass and saying "I am so sorry" I am sorry I couldn't find a way to help you, I am sorry we didn't have enough time, I am sorry if I didn't hold you enough, I am sorry your daddy wasnt with you when you left, I am sorry I didn't wake up sooner that morning to let your loving grandparents kiss you one last time.. I am sorry I missed you before you were physically gone.. did I give up? did I let go too soon?? so you quit fighting because I did?? I knew the end was close, but I thought we had more time... at least a few more days.. it was Ella's time..you didnt care for big events at all.. I have so many regrets, I feel like I wasted time, and now I can't get it back..

I sat and cried hysterically for you yesterday at your grave, and I felt you with the wind.. I felt you blow through my hair..is that crazy.. and out of no where I thought about the fathers promise " be still and know that I am with you".. you are with him and he is with me... but in the meantime, baby girl, I miss you.. I want you back here with me, I want you to turn one next month..but you wont be here.. you are in Heaven..waiting on us... your nanny is very sick and probably not going to make it long, and I am sad for your papa and daddy, but I am jealous too..that she gets to see you... I just want to see you.. I want more time.. I want to go back 1 year and keep you.. I love you so much...I miss you so much...

May 15th...4 days before you flew back to Heaven..

5 comments:

Heather Lyon said...

Jen, I know it hurts. My throat gets tight when i think of the pain you are in. Keep writting this blog though, It's a good way to help you start to heal.
Isaiah40:29-31

mrs89baker said...

Jen,
My heart just breaks for you, I simply can not even imagine the loss. But I think your blog helps others and in turn helps you make it thru another day. Mom and I think you should write a book, you have a way of describing everything so well. Hugs, Tina

Anonymous said...

Sis,

I miss that lil angel like crazy.So do the girls. We will again reunite with her and never let go. It just sucks that this stuff happens to our kids and we can do nothing about it. She knows how much every one loved her and is watching down on all of us. She is not in any pain anymore. It seems as if we are the ones in pain now. We can just pray for her and always keep her in our thoughts. She will always be a part of our lives.(especially bobbys). lol Just know that we are all here for each other and nothing will ever change that.

Tom

dg darling said...

I have never lost a child but here's what I think. I think that sweet Ella is so happy. I think that she has such an amazing understanding now, as a spirit, about life. I think that she has wonderful memories of a family that adored her. I think that she has warm memories of a mother who held her and kissed her and made her short earthly life beautiful. I think that her spirit heart hurts on your behalf and I think she wishes you comfort and peace. I think she wants to hold you and heal your heart just as much as you wanted to heal her.I think that all the what if's and if only's don't matter at all to her because she knows how blessed she is to have been born into such a wonderful family. All that matters is she is loved and will be waiting...

Anonymous said...

Oh my precious friend, God knew that you were the best fit for Ella that is why He chose you and Jay to be her parents. He knew that you would love, care, and provide for her with all of your soul, heart, and mind. Please don't dwell on the regrets and the what if's because He and Ella knew you were capable. What a joyous day that will be when you and your beautiful Ella are reunited on streets of gold! Until that day arrives I pray that the holy spirit will continue to comfort you and continue mending your broken heart. I love you, Jen.

Keyla