Tuesday, July 7, 2009

sometimes I feel bad....

Sometimes I forget that I am not the only one that lost her.. I know I was not the only one to love her, but sometimes I feel bad for Jay.. Fathers day was especially hard for him.. we had all intentions of going to church, but when they have the fathers stand if you have a child under 5, then 2, then 1 (to see who has the youngest, and they get a prize) anyway.. neither of us said anything, but I thought to myself how hard that would be for him.. so instead we did stuff around the house.. he was quiet and down all day.. we have Cayden here, but sometimes it's still so quiet and empty in the house..especially on days like this.. and the 4th.. while we were at Jay's aunt and uncles on the 4th watching fireworks, I sat in the bay window looking towards the field, imagining that I would have to take Ella inside to watch from there, because she would not like the loud noises... my 10 and a half month old would be decked out in red, white and blue and I am sure Jay and I would have to take turns trying to keep her from climbing up and down the window..instead we watched for a bit and came home earlier than normal... anyway..I know it's not just me that thinks about stuff like that.. he does too, I am the one to cry though, and he is always the one to hug and try to cheer me up.. and I feel bad, because she was his baby too.. and she LOVED him so much.. she loved to play possum when he would talk to her.. she would close her eyes real quick..it was so funny.. he would sing frank Sinatra songs to her and she would laugh and laugh... he misses her too...

A Father's Grief
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.


Heather said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. Baby Ella loves you both and knows that you both miss. I pray for you always.

Anonymous said...

And yes Jen, men do cry.Especially when it breaks ur heart like that.Just remember I am always near for both of you. Tom

Nancy said...

Stop posting stuff like this, you turn me into a bag of mush.. I can always tell when it's bothering Jay, he gets and stays really quiet. I know sometimes he just needs a big ole bear hug, I love that poem. It's awesome.

Love you both! (& Cayden)

Stephanie said...

I just wish I could take the pain away...I am in awe of your strength! Your husband is blessed to have you...you realize how hard it must be and it is wonderful that you care so much about him!!!!

Praying for your family!!!!

I'm so glad you posted your blog address...I've thought of you often in the past couple of months and am glad I can keep up with you guys!

Anonymous said...

I have such a wonderful wife and she has no reason ever to feel bad. I feel so lucky to have her as my wife. I Love you so much Jen.


Anonymous said...

Aw, my heart goes out to your family. I can't imagine the emotions you guys have on a daily basis. Thinking of you often! (((hugs)))

Kristen Mackey

Ginger said...


You do not know me but I have been praying for you and your family for a very long time. I don't even know what to say in the face of your incredible loss, other than God is faithful...always. I come here to check up on you and see how you and your family are managing and to see how I can best pray for you all. You are blessing so many with your blog! I just wanted you to know that you and your family, especially Ella are making a huge impact for the kingdom of God, and I'm not so sure you are aware of that.

Be blessed my sister,
Ginger Cordero (Keyla's aunt)

p.s. your poem was absolutely beautiful!