dumb...

I have blogged about emails from the miscellaneous baby info folks. Yesterday Ella would have been 18 months old, so of course I got one that snuck through the cracks..( I have unsubscribed several times) and being the glutton for punishment that I am..what did I do? delete it and ignore..no I opened and read it.. big.dumb.idiot. I glanced and this part caught my eye..

She may like to copy what other people do. For example, your baby likes to imitate you and stretch his or her arms up high when you play "so big!" 

and it started..epic failure..when Cayden was little we did the "how big is Cayden" and he would laugh in anticipation of the ever-so-hilariousness of the "SO BIG"..and he would randomly do it himself and just laugh and laugh..so cute..so when I read this it was another cruel reminder of things we would miss with Ella..I can just imagine her laughing with excitement of what was coming..she laughed all the time, had this sweet little laugh and her eyes would open huge and it was the cutest thing ever.. so all day was crap. Jay was in a bad mood. I was in a bad mood. it was bad. so we decided to just take a break.. we took cayden to a movie and just got away for a bit, got our mind off of everything that was upsetting us.. I know one day I will be able to think of these things and smile..that day just was not yesterday..

9 months today...

Today is 9 months since she flew away.. we only had her for 8 months and 29 days..she has officially been gone longer than we had her..I just keep thinking "how did we get here? what did we do? why us?" ((sigh)) I just wish we had more time.. I wish I had peace..I wish I had HER...

We did go to therapy, and it was okay. The therapist is nice, the center is just a cute little house and very welcoming.. I cried about the entire time, I figured I would..I knew I would have a hard time vocalizing it all..She talked to Jay and I both together and then separate. She asked me what worries me, not about Cayden or Jay, but about me.. and all I could think of is "I am worried I will be this sad forever" Everyone says time will heal, it gets easier with time..but it seems like as more time passes, its just a cruel reminder that we are going on without our daughter.. I don't know..we'll see how it goes..We did not make it to group therapy, they are going to work on changing times, so that Jay could attend too.. Our friends have an appointment next week and are going to attend the group with us..I think this will be good all around for all 4 of us.. I am a tad down today, a little unmotivated.. just want to crawl into bed and stay there..I just can't believe its been nine months without her..and it hurts just like it did right after..I think I handle the pain better, I am able to function WITH the pain..but the pain itself..its still there, just.as.strong.

out loud..

In less than 12 hours is our first therapy session, and quite frankly I feel sick about it.. I had the urge to cancel today.. I have to talk about her, about the disease, about her death, about cayden dealing.. and I can't stand the thought of talking about it out loud, at one time..the entire story, beginning to end..Yesterday I was talking with my friend over lunch about Ella and her room and "moving on" at first it was fine and then I felt it.. the pressure piercing my eyes..the huge punch to my chest that stops me from breathing.. I grabbed my phone, looking down quickly and abruptly ended the conversation..simply stated "I can't do it anymore" she nodded and quickly changed the subject..I am so thankful for friends that help me through this..but what about in the sessions..that is what I am there for..to work through this..to process this.. I can't just sit there and pretend its not killing me while discussing it, but who wants to bawl their freaking eyes out the entire time? I know I am going to have to discuss it all..out loud..and its giving me serious anxiety..For now, I am going to attempt to sleep and make it through the first session..we'll see..at least Jay will be there to help.. bleh..

made the step...

I called a local grief center and am going to go meet them on Wednesday with Jay. Thursday night there is an infant loss "process" group..Some time next week she will meet with Cayden and in April there is a kids process group, so he will be attending.. I am nervous and a tad anxious.. I am okay with casual discussion about Ella, but to talk about her illness and death out loud..man.. I don't know how that will go..but I made the first step..the hardest step..the step I have been putting off since she left us in May..

We flew to LA earlier this week and rode back to Tulsa with my friend Amanda..it was a long trip, very nice..lots of time to think and to talk through things..she is going to stay with us for a few weeks and in the meantime going to help me sort through some of Ella's things..breathe.. I need to do this. I need to let go of some of the pain in order to move on..ahh..moving on..and it kills me to think about "moving on" because it almost makes me feel as though she is less important or less grieved..but I need to be a better mom and wife and person.. I need to start crawling out of this sink hole and restart my life, my new life..my new life without her..I think now with a plan, a desire, maybe its possible..its certainly time..so I made the big step..hopefully the step towards joy again..

Peace...

I have been praying for peace of heart and mind since Ella passed. I have prayed that the Lord would lead us in the right direction towards our happiness..Jay and I have been so empty just searching for joy again, something to make us "worth while" again, and I think we have found it.. we have a plan..  and right now I don't really want to go into detail and *jinx* anything.. but I really feel like as of this week, we are heading in the right direction.. I feel peace that I haven't felt since she left.. please continue to pray for us and that things go as we hope and I will share as soon as we have something for certain to share.. I know this is confusing, and I really want to share, and I will soon..thanks in advance for all of the positive thoughts and prayers..

PS. No I am not pregnant, while I wish this was the case, its not..but it is almost as exciting!

Groundhogs day ..

February 2nd is a few different things to me.. groundhogs day, my best friend Erins bday and in 2009, the first day I prayed for the Lord to let me die.. I sat on the couch holding Ella as she slept on my chest.. she had been sleeping a while, but quite frankly, I just didn't want to put her down.. it was about 2pm, jay was at work and Cayden was home on the computer..my phone rang and it was Dr. K, our geneticist that we met a few weeks earlier...

DK-Jen, this is Dr.K, how are things going?
Me-Great! She is playing and talking and so much better! She looks so good!!
DK-That is good to hear. But.. listen, we got some results back from Baylor
me-Oh yeah?And?
DK-... and unfortunately it confirms that she does indeed have the mito depletion..
me-No, thats not right, didn't you hear me? she is better? she's not sick anymore...
DK-Well, I am glad to hear that she is feeling better, but the blood we sent to Baylor was sequenced and....
Me- AND She is not even yellow any more...she is happy, and she is doing better...she can't have that..she would be sick, getting worse not better...
DK-I am sorry, but she has it..why don't you and your husband come in for your appointment in a few days and we'll talk about our options and what we are going to do..I am really sorry...
Me-....me too.....

Jay got home a little after 5.. and I told him.. I bawled as I held her for hours on end.. we told our parents that night, it was so hard.. they knew this was a death sentence.."there's always hope",
"maybe they were wrong", "God provides miracles" "we are NOT giving up on her" ...we said these things over and over that evening.. and then got home, got ready for bed and held her more..praying a prayer I have never in my life prayed or even thought about..."Dear Lord, I can't do this, I can't let her go, please let me go first, I know you did not mold me to get through such a loss"..The following weeks I prayed this every night..I prayed for the Lord to return, to call us home...obviously neither happened.. I am still here and the rapture is yet to happen.. I love my family so much, and I live for Cayden.. this was a selfish prayer, I know.. and I am so thankful that I did not have to endure this loss alone.. it wasn't just ME.. it was the love of and for my family, Jay and Cayden, our families and friends love and support and many prayers.. but most of all it was the Lord..we knew that, while we were holding her, he was holding us.. and now that she is forever at peace... he is still holding us..and will do so until we are called home by death or rapture..

So for us, groundhogs day is a day that will forever be imprinted in our memories.. one of many..I will never forget the rush of emotions that came with that call... I will never forget the shame I felt for muttering such an awful prayer.. and I am so thankful that this year, I know my baby is safe, happy and healthy..and just hanging out til we get there..