Tuesday, February 16, 2010

out loud..

In less than 12 hours is our first therapy session, and quite frankly I feel sick about it.. I had the urge to cancel today.. I have to talk about her, about the disease, about her death, about cayden dealing.. and I can't stand the thought of talking about it out loud, at one time..the entire story, beginning to end..Yesterday I was talking with my friend over lunch about Ella and her room and "moving on" at first it was fine and then I felt it.. the pressure piercing my eyes..the huge punch to my chest that stops me from breathing.. I grabbed my phone, looking down quickly and abruptly ended the conversation..simply stated "I can't do it anymore" she nodded and quickly changed the subject..I am so thankful for friends that help me through this..but what about in the sessions..that is what I am there for..to work through this..to process this.. I can't just sit there and pretend its not killing me while discussing it, but who wants to bawl their freaking eyes out the entire time? I know I am going to have to discuss it all..out loud..and its giving me serious anxiety..For now, I am going to attempt to sleep and make it through the first session..we'll see..at least Jay will be there to help.. bleh..

14 comments:

Lisa said...

I hope that the counsellor will help you take small steps in the process so that it will be easier to get through! I haven't been to a therapist (yet?) but I'm sure they know how to guide you gently. I'll be praying for you, that it will be more of a relief than torture to talk about your grief! I think it was very wise to decide to go with Jay :) I hope the session goes well for you all, Jen!

Bree said...

It's always nervewracking before you meet the person you're supposed to spill your guts to. I found that even though I was nervous before each session, I enjoyed having that time to focus on Ella and my grief. Know if you don't like it, you don't have to go back. I went through 2 therapists before I found the one I liked. And, I decided I needed a break a few months ago and so I haven't been recently. Just do what you can if you think it will help. Thinking of you!

Adriana Davies said...

I wanted to share my experience with you yesterday when I left my comment about how I was happy for you... but I felt that it might detour you away from your first session... but I have to say, I think this is part of healing...

When I first reached out for help and decided to meet a support group, I felt good about it, I felt relieved I could share my grief with other people who REALLY understood where I was coming from... but that first meeting was one of the hardest battles I had to face. I too felt that pain in your chest and the pressure in your eyes because you are holding back tears and my mind kept racing and walking into the support group didnt help at first either, I started to shake, I couldnt speak, I didnt want to relive it all again when they asked the question... but you know what? Once I got to talking, and once I cried and let go of the fear that I had because I had to face everything that happened... that pressure left, and the shaking stopped because I looked around at one point and realized that everyone there had lost their child too and I could see in their eyes that they felt EXACTLY what I felt no matter what stage they were in!

I am praying for strength for you today, I am hoping that Ella will be there and bring you some type of peace to make it through!

*Hugs and prayers from FL!*

Heather said...

Praying for you today Jen.

Allison (Ali) said...

I hope that therapy helps you. I have seen my therapist once so far and our first session was more a get to know you, so we didnt go into a lot of detail of what happened to us, but I know that will come soon. And I too am scared of it.

But to have someone to talk to about it is probably the best step you could have taken.

Megan said...

Aww. You are allowed to sit there and cry the whole time! you never have to pretend that it isn't killing you!! I hope that it helps you to talk to them. You are brave to go in the first place and i'm proud of you!
*hugs*

2awesomekidz said...

Hey,
Oh I am so sorry. I too had major anxiety about going to thereapy. But I am soo glad I did, it really taught me how to take take that ball of anger that was inside me and face it. It was very surreal sitting on the couch pretending the pillow was my ball of anger in my chest, but after yelling at it and telling it exactly how I felt, comprimising with it, that ball went away and I was so thankful for that. The releif was awesome. After an hour of thereapy and crying, I felt exhausted the rest of the day. You are strong and you can do this!! I know you don't want to be! But you are! Thinking of you as always!
Love
Tami

withoutmypunkin said...

Thinking of you! If you cry the whole time that is ok!!! ((hugs))

Akul's mama said...

I have used all my blog friends as my therapists. I come here and cry so many tears every night....it eases my pain enough to go on the next day.

Heidi said...

(((Jen))) Thinking about you tonight. I feel once you began talking, everything will fall in place. Having Jay will help and bring you two closer together. Im very proud of you, this is a difficult step. Hugs, hugs, hugs-
Heidi & Jack.

Nan & Mike said...

Thinking of you sweet girl...hugs, Nan xo

Tiffany Lockette said...

Thinking of you and praying for some peace for you that come with these session. Stay strong Jen.

Andrea said...

Starting out therapy can make you nervous, but know that you are taking a step in the direction towards healing. Talking out loud about such a painful experience can be a really tough thing, but it is not good to keep everything inside either. Congrats on taking the courage to try this out though.

Once A Mother said...

praying that the therapy brings you healing. it is hard work, but from my experience, really helpful in the long run and worth it. praying that it is the same for you xx