Tuesday, February 16, 2010
In less than 12 hours is our first therapy session, and quite frankly I feel sick about it.. I had the urge to cancel today.. I have to talk about her, about the disease, about her death, about cayden dealing.. and I can't stand the thought of talking about it out loud, at one time..the entire story, beginning to end..Yesterday I was talking with my friend over lunch about Ella and her room and "moving on" at first it was fine and then I felt it.. the pressure piercing my eyes..the huge punch to my chest that stops me from breathing.. I grabbed my phone, looking down quickly and abruptly ended the conversation..simply stated "I can't do it anymore" she nodded and quickly changed the subject..I am so thankful for friends that help me through this..but what about in the sessions..that is what I am there for..to work through this..to process this.. I can't just sit there and pretend its not killing me while discussing it, but who wants to bawl their freaking eyes out the entire time? I know I am going to have to discuss it all..out loud..and its giving me serious anxiety..For now, I am going to attempt to sleep and make it through the first session..we'll see..at least Jay will be there to help.. bleh..