I called a local grief center and am going to go meet them on Wednesday with Jay. Thursday night there is an infant loss "process" group..Some time next week she will meet with Cayden and in April there is a kids process group, so he will be attending.. I am nervous and a tad anxious.. I am okay with casual discussion about Ella, but to talk about her illness and death out loud..man.. I don't know how that will go..but I made the first step..the hardest step..the step I have been putting off since she left us in May..
We flew to LA earlier this week and rode back to Tulsa with my friend Amanda..it was a long trip, very nice..lots of time to think and to talk through things..she is going to stay with us for a few weeks and in the meantime going to help me sort through some of Ella's things..breathe.. I need to do this. I need to let go of some of the pain in order to move on..ahh..moving on..and it kills me to think about "moving on" because it almost makes me feel as though she is less important or less grieved..but I need to be a better mom and wife and person.. I need to start crawling out of this sink hole and restart my life, my new life..my new life without her..I think now with a plan, a desire, maybe its possible..its certainly time..so I made the big step..hopefully the step towards joy again..