Saturday, February 13, 2010

made the step...

I called a local grief center and am going to go meet them on Wednesday with Jay. Thursday night there is an infant loss "process" group..Some time next week she will meet with Cayden and in April there is a kids process group, so he will be attending.. I am nervous and a tad anxious.. I am okay with casual discussion about Ella, but to talk about her illness and death out loud..man.. I don't know how that will go..but I made the first step..the hardest step..the step I have been putting off since she left us in May..

We flew to LA earlier this week and rode back to Tulsa with my friend Amanda..it was a long trip, very nice..lots of time to think and to talk through things..she is going to stay with us for a few weeks and in the meantime going to help me sort through some of Ella's things..breathe.. I need to do this. I need to let go of some of the pain in order to move on..ahh..moving on..and it kills me to think about "moving on" because it almost makes me feel as though she is less important or less grieved..but I need to be a better mom and wife and person.. I need to start crawling out of this sink hole and restart my life, my new life..my new life without her..I think now with a plan, a desire, maybe its possible..its certainly time..so I made the big step..hopefully the step towards joy again..

12 comments:

Franchesca Cox said...

Jen I am so proud of you for making these steps. It is so wonderful that you have a friend there to help you with going through all Ella's things. Thinking of you and hoping your group meeting goes well. xx

Allison (Ali) said...

I am so proud of you for taking that first step. It's the hardest, I just recently took it as well. I had my first session just last week, and I think that it terrifies me to talk about it but it will be so helpful in the long run.

I hope that it helps you and your husband.

hugs

Megan said...

I'm proud of you for the steps you've made!! *hugs*

Kristy said...

What a very big and brave step. You should be so proud of yourself, and I(we) will be here with you, every step of the way. Lots of *hugs*

Kelli with Love said...

You are so strong, Jen. Congratulations on making such a big step forward. I am sure it's so difficult.

The Blue Sparrow said...

I agree, I am proud of you for taking those steps! Stop by my blog, there is a suprise there for you in honor of Ella. Happy Valentines Day!

Heather said...

Very proud of you Jen. Tiny steps forward and one second at a time.

Heidi said...

Jen...praying for you as you began steps towards healing. I know this is very difficult, Im so proud of you and know Ella is too. Many, Many hugs--

Heidi & Jack-

Tiffany Lockette said...

So happy that you are taking this step. Praying for you.

margaret said...

I think it's so wonderful that you are taking the steps you need to heal. Letting go is so hard, talking about your pain is so very difficult too. I did one on one therapy after we lost Calvin and it did help alot. Hope it works for you and that you get what you need out of it. Hugs

Mary said...

I am glad that you have found a place to go. I know that here we feel the security to speak out because we all know what we are going through. It is a total different sense of relief to actually speak it to others. I hope you find someone within the group that you can connect with.

Adriana Davies said...

So very proud of you! I know that I went shortly after Sophia and it was hard, but also in a way comforting to know that we are not alone in this. Thinking of you!!!!