Friday, February 19, 2010

9 months today...

Today is 9 months since she flew away.. we only had her for 8 months and 29 days..she has officially been gone longer than we had her..I just keep thinking "how did we get here? what did we do? why us?" ((sigh)) I just wish we had more time.. I wish I had peace..I wish I had HER...

We did go to therapy, and it was okay. The therapist is nice, the center is just a cute little house and very welcoming.. I cried about the entire time, I figured I would..I knew I would have a hard time vocalizing it all..She talked to Jay and I both together and then separate. She asked me what worries me, not about Cayden or Jay, but about me.. and all I could think of is "I am worried I will be this sad forever" Everyone says time will heal, it gets easier with time..but it seems like as more time passes, its just a cruel reminder that we are going on without our daughter.. I don't know..we'll see how it goes..We did not make it to group therapy, they are going to work on changing times, so that Jay could attend too.. Our friends have an appointment next week and are going to attend the group with us..I think this will be good all around for all 4 of us.. I am a tad down today, a little unmotivated.. just want to crawl into bed and stay there..I just can't believe its been nine months without her..and it hurts just like it did right after..I think I handle the pain better, I am able to function WITH the pain..but the pain itself..its still there, just.as.strong.

14 comments:

Julie said...

I am crying so hard I can hardly see to write this. The words "I am so sorry" don't even begin to express what is in my heart. I watched the video/read over your story again about your sweet daughter. Please accept these caring thoughts and hugs to you and your family.

aunteegem@yahoo.com

Lea said...

Jen - I am aching for you..... such pain and heartache. You're right, sometimes it doesn't seem to get any easier....

xo

Just Breathe said...

I am happy that you are trying therapy. I pray that it will help.
I am so sorry for your heavy heart.
((HUGS))

Akul's mama said...

I have stopped waiting for it to get better. I now embrace teh pain because it is here and always here. Hugsssssss

Franchesca Cox said...

Sending you a HUGE (((hug)))

I'm sorry I don't have any words, just know you're in my thoughts and prayers. xx

The Blue Sparrow said...

I too dont have any insightful words for you just know that Im here thinking and praying for you. *HUGS*

Kristy said...

I feel the same way, I always feel the pain but some days I function better then others. Some days I cry on and off all day, some days I don't cry at all. But like you, the pain never goes away. I'm not sure it ever will go away, I think in time we are able to just push it away more often. We will have more days of smiles, and less days of tears. *hugs*

Kelli with Love said...

So sorry, Jenn. What a hard day. I'm sorry she's been gone so long now. Breaks my heart that she isn't here in your arms.

Heidi said...

(((jen))) What a difficult day, thinking about you tonight. love and prayers-
Heidi & Jack.

Once A Mother said...

i think it makes total sense that you feel so down and tired after going to therapy, it is HARD, HARD work, and forces us to look head on at what and how we are feeling. In therapy you can't fake an "I'm fine," but in the long run, therapy is SO helpful, or at least has been for me. Sending prayers of healing your way. And of course, remembering with you always.

Nan & Mike said...

Sending you love and prayers and big bear hugs, always know I think of you often and hope to lift your heavy heart, I wish you didnt have to feel this and that she were in your arms again. xoxoxoxo Nan

With Out My Punkin said...

I have no words, but I am thinking of you often and hoping that therapy helps, sending you lots of big ((((HUGS))))

Holly said...

Thinking of your Ella as 9 months passes...

I'm glad that you went to the therapy. I'm sure it had difficult moments when talking about everything. I hope that it helps you.

Mary said...

What a hard time marker, more time where she is gone than you had her. So sorry. I understand about time, though. It seems cruel to move on, and yet it is supposed to heal us? I don't understand it either.