all over the map~ part 2

I have this overwhelming sadness that has absolutely consumed me..but I am a year out...Its not acceptable for me to shed random tears or to feel on edge about nearly everything..No one has said anything, but I feel like its necessary to keep my constant cool..Why do I have guilt about still grieving? there is that time limit I've placed again..Most of the time I do okay, and even if I am not, I feel like I do a good enough job of masking the pain..but its there..I still feel sorry for myself and my family..I am still angry that she is not running around the house like a little mad woman.. I feel sad that my emotions turn into anger because its easier to "explain" anger or frustration.. I feel sorry for myself and then I see the prayer requests, the agonies of all of the other mothers just begging for a break for their children as they are fighting, barely hanging on..I see this and I realize that although I miss her, she is not suffering, seizing, feeling so weak that she can't even move..she is dancing and singing with all of the other babies and children that were taken too soon..in Heaven..in total and complete joy..I told you I was all over the map.. I feel that comfort and peace, but I am also sad, angry, resentful, and so betrayed because this life wasn't meant for suffering..or so I thought.. I get by some days easier than others, some the world seems so heavy..I get by.. thanks to the grace of God and by knowing I am not the only one walking this path..so many have gone before, and with me now, and sadly, there will be more that join along the way...anyhow, I was looking back through some of my old posts, and very appropriately to my mood today, I re-read this one and wanted to share again..

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

All over the map...

This is what's been going on with us lately.. I have some thoughts, worries, and other things that I really want to hash out on here, but my brain is just too tired today to do it..  :)  Btw, for those who weren't aware that Bree had Nora and she is BEAUTIFUL!! I am sure she will post soon..she has a blog for Nora, but I don't know that I have it, or at least never marked it.. :)

Our fundraiser went pretty well.. I think we learned some things on what to do and what is not a good idea..we are so grateful for everyone who came out and supported us, that supported and honored Ella's fight...it was truly a beautiful day.. here is a pic of some of the decorations..it was really cute..my BF may have some better pics.. 

Cayden finished up the 4th grade! We had a field trip to Woolaroc and a track and field day, he got into the finals for the 60 yard dash and the 4-man relay..Unfortunately he got severely sick to his stomach shortly after the relay..(which is happening ALOT lately, more on that later) and we took him home to rest..So his relay team found a sub and they came in 3rd, and Cayden still got a ribbon, which he was proud of, and we were too!  

Cayden and Emily, our friends daughter who is 2 weeks older than Ella..C always loves to see her! She was so good just watching the kids run and she would point when she recognized the ones she knows..she's too cute!

Here we are at Woolaroc..it was a beautiful day to go, and I got a chance to hang out with some wonderful moms of other 4th graders. :)

So here we are..done with soccer, activities, group meetings, training, and school..just summer..we are going to just hang around and enjoy the break.. :)  Molly has inspired us.. just take it all in...

Hope you all do the same..

8:45 am..May 19th, 2009

It was a Tuesday morning..8:45 am on May 19th, 2009.. a year ago I stood by my sweet girl and watched her take her last breath..my heart was beating so fast, I lost my breath and felt dizzy..was this actually happening..I wanted to press pause on my life..it was too much..everything ran through my head at one time..prayers for the lord to come back, to take me home, to bring her back to me.. I know God can do miracles, he's done it before..why not now? I stood in a daze and finally heard Erin say easily "she hasn't taken a breath in a while"..I touched her chest, put my hand by her face to feel a breath, and nothing..I honestly can say the next few minutes were black..I cannot remember what I said or did..I felt anger, and such heartache that I cannot even begin to describe, there are truly no words..I've lost loved ones before and this was more than any of these..it was so intense..I could feel my heart beat all through out my body, feel my blood rush, and kept reminding myself to breathe in..Each person came in as they bathed her and I stood at the foot of her bed watching..how did we get here? What did we do to deserve this? What do I do now? Who am I without my daughter? How in the world do we tell Cayden? A year has gone by, and I am not the same, I will never be the same..I will always think of my sweet girl that was so wanted and so loved and adored by all who ever saw the sweetest blue eyes and that smile that makes the strongest man just melt into a puddle..A year later I am a better mom, a better person, I realize how precious our time on Earth is..how in a second, all we have can vanish..My dear friend lisa messaged me on how we've been a year since she's been gone, but also a year closer to seeing her.. I love it..I love her.. I love all of my dear friends and family, who show me support, show me that no matter what happens, however long she is gone, that Ella is not far away from so many minds and hearts..

So in honor of Ella Bella's angelversary, Sue over at My forever child has graciously donated a 25 dollar gift certificate to one lucky winner.. I have mentioned that I think because of our loss that I am a better mother to Cayden, that I would have never gotten around to foster &/or adoption..3 ways to enter become a "new follower", find Ella's group on facebook (a butterflies dream button on sidebar) and leave a comment  here on how the loss of your child has positively changed you..if you have not personally lost a child, just let me know how reading this or any blog has changed you..

here are a few "Ella" things I have on my jewelery armoire, the little heart is from my best friend Erin, and the bracelet and butterfly necklace are both from my forever child.. aren't they adorable.. so be sure to enter..I will post the winner sometime Thursday..I cannot promise that I will be online much Wednesday..

I say it all of the time, but I really am so grateful for our friends and family that have supported us so much since last January when she first fell ill.. I realize that we are not the same fun people that we once were, but we are working on it..we are still working on our new normal.. I am also so thankful for all of my wonderful blog and FB friends..both BLM's and Mito moms *and the few others that are both* This is a truly a club I would have never chosen to join, but so glad for the lovely people who are unfortunately part of it too..You all inspire me to do better..to feel what I need to feel and not hide it..also to draw close to my God in my times of sorrow..thanks to you all..

what I wouldn't do to be able to touch her little hand one more time..

my toddler died..

Last night my toddler died..I've heard people say, and even said myself "not only do I mourn for her, who she was, but also who she could have been" the sassy fit-throwing toddler..the little girl who would cry to daddy every time she did not get her way..the first crush, the first school dance, first driving lessons, we will never have that with her here..I will never know her and the little spunky almost 2 year old she most likely would have been..(she was soo sassy without even speaking yet) and last night when I was asleep..she died..much like what happened last May 19th..but this time when I looked down and hugged my baby, I came up and she was a curly haired toddler..the exact one I stole here.. I touched her sweet face and cried and stood completely broken..the same exact feeling as when she flew away last May...again I woke up to a completely soaked pillow and felt my heart break into a million tiny pieces..instead of laying and crying even more, I thought of her in Heaven..playing with all of her little friends that are waiting on their own mommys and daddy's. I thought of how she would not want me to be sad for her..but to be proud of her, to be proud of her fight, and honor her..I prayed for peace and the will to get out of bed and to make it a day worth while.. and so I just got up. I've been thinking about her all morning. I miss her like crazy.But like Cayden says "she wouldn't come back if she had the choice, because she is in the best place ever" ..so today my toddler died and I am dealing with it..hour by hour and day by day.. that's the best I can do..






BIG CHANGE OF SUBJECT!!
so I found this cool little site that you could make stick families.. Some have little babies with halo's, but this one didn't.. but I liked the "people" better..so I played with it some.. I added Ella..and then moved her to the side because she is physically not with us.. I looked at it for a bit and thought if I moved her back, then people would assume she was with us still.. so I moved her back by us..she is still with us.. assume away..she is with us with every single breath we take, every time our hearts beat, Ella is with us..

My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com

don't we just look like the happiest family ever?

blah..

just blah...wish May was over already.. I need the click remote to fast forward..

what makes a mother??

for my lovelies.. have a happy mothers day.. and as always be gentle with yourselves...

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown

real...

I just read this post from Iris' mommy and it got me thinking about all of the types of different people I've met through facebook, blogs and just this land of lost parents trying to get through the storm of  child loss and the ones who support us and other blogs I just like to read..I don't always agree with everything I read, and I know everyone doesn't agree with me.. and I too write on this blog for me, for me to look back and see my life as its progressed. I am certainly appreciative of all of the people I've "met" through here, and appreciative of the people I know IRL that still read..I often use this as a way to communicate feelings that I am not comfortable sharing aloud.. She also listed some things about her, "this is me, like it or not" kinda thing.. and I am inspired..so here is me in a nutshell...and in no particular order..

I am a christian, Baptist at that. I believe Christ died for our sins so we do not have to get to heaven by works and good deeds. I think work and good deeds are rewarded in Heaven but not the ticket. I have faith that we will see Ella again on the other side of heaven and I feel pity for those who do not have that hope and faith. (PITY not judgement) ..Sometimes I cuss and laugh at inappropriate jokes and even make them.. I think its funny when people fall down steps..or are just clumsy in general..  My parents are still married after 30+ years and have stuck it out through rough times and that inspires me to stick it out through our rough times, it scares me to think of the odds of divorce after the loss of a child.. I am blessed with a kind and generous husband who lets me grieve in any way I need to..(3 hour nap in the middle of the day yesterday, because it was all too much) He didn't wake me to ask about dinner, or anything..He knew my burden was heavy and I needed to escape..I love him so much for small gestures like that and for the beautiful flowers he brought home just because  I was having a rough day. I realize everyone is not so fortunate, and sometimes its too much and the only logical solution is divorce and separation..I don't judge that though..if anything it makes me even more thankful for what I have.  I am very much pro life, I understand everyone has different situations, but for me.. I choose life..no matter what..If I would have known Ella were ill during my pregnancy I would have kept her.. As much as this pain stings daily, I can't imagine not having her for the time we did.. I think public healthcare is a bad idea, although I do believe our insurance companies and healthcare in general need reform.. I am conservative in most topics , but less in others. I.E gay marriage, I don't really care if you get married, be happy, no matter who its with..make it a life worth living.. My religion may tell me its wrong, but its not my call or my place to judge..
I will always vaccinate my children and will probably encourage you to do the same if brought up in passing..whether I know you or not.. I do eat meat, I do not garden myself, so I do buy the vegetables with all of the additives..I don't have a green thumb at all, but I think its great for those who do have the option. I think arguing over politics and religion is the absolute worst thing ever.. I HATE it when people do this..online and in person.  I don't believe yelling at your kids teaches them anything, although I do believe a swat here and there in appropriate, as long as its not done in anger or to hurt them.. I do not believe that others should swat or spank other peoples children...don't touch my kids..period.I do believe in saving money for a future for college, retirement, and for emergencies that may arise..But I don't think we should skip the joy we could have today..we are not promised tomorrow.. chances are, I am going to focus on today, especially when my children are young.  I don't care if you drink, as long as its not a dependency and as long as you don't drive and put us in danger.  I don't always dress up or put on make-up. My house is normally pretty clean seeing as how I clean when I am upset...I hate laundry and most of the time we have to dig the clean ones out of the basket, because I really hate hanging them up.. My mom helps me way more than she should..with Cayden, Ella, with my house ( I get super anxious if its dirty), and just keeps me company when I need a distraction.. sometimes I get cranky with her, but she loves me regardless, but if she is cranky with me it hurts my feelings to no end..its really ridiculous.. I love my in laws. My mother in law is one of my best friends. I can talk to her about anything, and most of the time she'll even take my side.. again ridiculous.. oh and I don't recycle.. I always have the best intentions, but never get around to it.I also am not organic..I just don't really know where to start or honestly care to at this point..I am not always a good mom.. One time when Ella was sick, cayden had a cough and I was with in half of a second of giving him her valium instead of delsym, and I laughed about it..he was a tad upset at me for a bit. I also let him have mcdonalds chicken nuggets and fries if he wants now and then.

so anyway..this is me in a large nutshell.. I don't really hide who I am, and will not ever do so.. its just me, I am also very aware that it takes all kinds in this world.even if you don't agree with me, its fine .I don't mind...I just thought today was as good of time as any to get real.. so there ya go..hopefully you continue to be my friend :)

this and that...

In 16 days it will be one year since she passed.. I am finding it harder and harder to distract myself, to keep my mind on other things..I feel tearful and fight them back with a smile, all the while feel as though I am just dying inside. We are finally past the pity eyes, so the last thing I want is to start that all over again. We miss her so much, sometimes I sit and pretend in my head that I can hear Cayden griping about his little sister getting in his stuff, or spilled his drink, or turned off his game.. I can hear her laugh still..its been so long..

Nothing can be done to be worth the loss for us.. no bright enlightenment's by a family member, no closer relationship to family, God, children for others will ever EVER be worth it.."Oh its fine she died, because so and so is back in church, or so and so comes around family, treats their children better" I actually hate it when people say good has come out of it..It runs through me like wild fire.. But the cold hard truth is while nothing is ever worth it, some things do lessen the blow some..WE are closer to Cayden, better parents, we've matured, prioritized because of our loss. We hold tight to our family more because of it..We probably would have never gotten around to foster/adopt because we would have had our hands full with our little sassy pants.. we would probably never have planned a fundraiser for awareness of anything...some positive things have came from our loss.. I think it seems like once this loss is endured, that you love more, your love expands..I think of my love for Cayden..its like a balloon that is completely expanded and about to bust..there is no more love that could possibly fit without it being too much.. down side is, this makes me INSANE when people are mean to him, blow him off, tell him to suck it up.. Seriously, did  you just say this to my child who has been through more in the last year than you have in your entire miserable life?? ugh..so that is a down side to loving more..We've always been protective, but now its protective times ten.. rainbows and sunshine..its what he deserves.

We are so excited to be nearing the end of the process of foster and adoption..we are excited, nervous and anxious to see what and who comes into our lives because of this.. Cayden said he is nervous about another child being in the house,  and he is "proud that we are helping other families when they need it the most." We have decided that in the room, I have a few small pics of Ella, and every time we have a girl stay in the room, we will take a pic and add it to her shelf..He tells everyone we talk to about fostering about this..:) he is so sweet.. We miss her so much, but we are really attempting to stay in the positive. To honor her short little life..one day at a time, one step at a time..

~~~oh here are a few pics from recently of our little big man..10 years old already.. *sigh*

 

This one cracks me up..Cayden always wants to take homer and bart simpson pics (even though he never watches the simpsons, he still thinks its hilarious.

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