Monday, May 3, 2010

this and that...

In 16 days it will be one year since she passed.. I am finding it harder and harder to distract myself, to keep my mind on other things..I feel tearful and fight them back with a smile, all the while feel as though I am just dying inside. We are finally past the pity eyes, so the last thing I want is to start that all over again. We miss her so much, sometimes I sit and pretend in my head that I can hear Cayden griping about his little sister getting in his stuff, or spilled his drink, or turned off his game.. I can hear her laugh still..its been so long..

Nothing can be done to be worth the loss for us.. no bright enlightenment's by a family member, no closer relationship to family, God, children for others will ever EVER be worth it.."Oh its fine she died, because so and so is back in church, or so and so comes around family, treats their children better" I actually hate it when people say good has come out of it..It runs through me like wild fire.. But the cold hard truth is while nothing is ever worth it, some things do lessen the blow some..WE are closer to Cayden, better parents, we've matured, prioritized because of our loss. We hold tight to our family more because of it..We probably would have never gotten around to foster/adopt because we would have had our hands full with our little sassy pants.. we would probably never have planned a fundraiser for awareness of anything...some positive things have came from our loss.. I think it seems like once this loss is endured, that you love more, your love expands..I think of my love for Cayden..its like a balloon that is completely expanded and about to bust..there is no more love that could possibly fit without it being too much.. down side is, this makes me INSANE when people are mean to him, blow him off, tell him to suck it up.. Seriously, did  you just say this to my child who has been through more in the last year than you have in your entire miserable life?? that is a down side to loving more..We've always been protective, but now its protective times ten.. rainbows and sunshine..its what he deserves.

We are so excited to be nearing the end of the process of foster and adoption..we are excited, nervous and anxious to see what and who comes into our lives because of this.. Cayden said he is nervous about another child being in the house,  and he is "proud that we are helping other families when they need it the most." We have decided that in the room, I have a few small pics of Ella, and every time we have a girl stay in the room, we will take a pic and add it to her shelf..He tells everyone we talk to about fostering about this..:) he is so sweet.. We miss her so much, but we are really attempting to stay in the positive. To honor her short little day at a time, one step at a time..

~~~oh here are a few pics from recently of our little big man..10 years old already.. *sigh*



Bree said...

What beautiful son you have. For some reason I thought he was younger- like 5. :) Im thinking of you. I'm thinking of Ella. Asking the universe to be gentle on you this month. Sending love. xo

Heather said...

I TOTALLy agree with your post. Nothing will EVER make my loss worthwhile. I don't care how many people draw closer to God, including ourselves. But I do agree that these things take a little of the sting out of it. To me it's more of an affirmation that Madelyn's life had purpose than it is a reason worthy of her death.

Praying that God wraps His arms tightly around you as you approach this difficult milestone.

Mary said...

Thinking of you. (((hugs))) I know the next couple weeks will be hard.

Miss Em said...

You are so honest and raw and say the things that I never had the guts to. NOTHING is worth Matthew's death. I am grateful for being closer to God and seeing my husband in a new light but I can't every say I would wish this again if I could change time. So much love coming your way!

Nan & Mike said...

Hugs honey xxx

I found that doing things for my girls and not trying to distract myself away from their first birthday was very helpful...see if you can try to do little things everyday for her, it always made me feel better. Just a suggestion.

Your son is so cute :) xxx