Tuesday, May 25, 2010

all over the map~ part 2

I have this overwhelming sadness that has absolutely consumed me..but I am a year out...Its not acceptable for me to shed random tears or to feel on edge about nearly everything..No one has said anything, but I feel like its necessary to keep my constant cool..Why do I have guilt about still grieving? there is that time limit I've placed again..Most of the time I do okay, and even if I am not, I feel like I do a good enough job of masking the pain..but its there..I still feel sorry for myself and my family..I am still angry that she is not running around the house like a little mad woman.. I feel sad that my emotions turn into anger because its easier to "explain" anger or frustration.. I feel sorry for myself and then I see the prayer requests, the agonies of all of the other mothers just begging for a break for their children as they are fighting, barely hanging on..I see this and I realize that although I miss her, she is not suffering, seizing, feeling so weak that she can't even move..she is dancing and singing with all of the other babies and children that were taken too soon..in Heaven..in total and complete joy..I told you I was all over the map.. I feel that comfort and peace, but I am also sad, angry, resentful, and so betrayed because this life wasn't meant for suffering..or so I thought.. I get by some days easier than others, some the world seems so heavy..I get by.. thanks to the grace of God and by knowing I am not the only one walking this path..so many have gone before, and with me now, and sadly, there will be more that join along the way...anyhow, I was looking back through some of my old posts, and very appropriately to my mood today, I re-read this one and wanted to share again..

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown


Holly said...

I really like that shoe poem. Have since I first read it. Whoever wrote it did an awesome job.

It can be strange (and chaotic) to feel so many emotions all at once.

brigette said...

What a great poem!! Grieve still if you need to we all have our days!! You deserve to have whatever feelings you want to!! Sending much love!

Kristine said...

Only a year, your grief is still nothing but fresh. Lots of love.

Lea said...

Very beautifully said poem. I think I may post it too, for my followers. Perfect, thank you.

Mary said...

I too love that poem.

The grief you are feeling should not be held in. This is not something we will know when it will get better and I hate that we are made to feel like a timeline should be the measure of our grief.

Emerging Butterfly said...

I hear you...it's been a year for me as well...and I'm "supposed" to be "better". And, well, heck! I AM a little better. But...the random tears, the choked up feelings, the wistfulness, the memory issues and the lost feeling remain.

The truth is...I feel like they are missing....and I'm not sure if that can change.

Give yourself the freedom to know that it is totally and completely FINE that you FEEL how you FEEL. No one can tell you what you should FEEL like....and even if they do, you still have to feel what you feel. We can't get away from the truth of heart...it just IS. (HUG)

Stephanie said...

Honey there will never be a time limit and you should never feel guilty! I'm so glad you commented on my blog bc somehow I lost yours!

I can't imagine what you have been through or how you are even functioning-you are such a source of inspiration to me and so many others.

I'm thinking of you and praying for you all!!!!!

Sending hugs!

Karen said...

This is the second time I have read this poem today. I had seen it shortly after REbekah went to Heaven, but had forgotten about it until today.

I experience a wide array of emotions as well, but someone told me once to 'grieve hard and be easy of yourself'. So I offer these words to you. You are loved and lifted up, dear one...