Thursday, May 13, 2010

my toddler died..

Last night my toddler died..I've heard people say, and even said myself "not only do I mourn for her, who she was, but also who she could have been" the sassy fit-throwing toddler..the little girl who would cry to daddy every time she did not get her way..the first crush, the first school dance, first driving lessons, we will never have that with her here..I will never know her and the little spunky almost 2 year old she most likely would have been..(she was soo sassy without even speaking yet) and last night when I was asleep..she died..much like what happened last May 19th..but this time when I looked down and hugged my baby, I came up and she was a curly haired toddler..the exact one I stole here.. I touched her sweet face and cried and stood completely broken..the same exact feeling as when she flew away last May...again I woke up to a completely soaked pillow and felt my heart break into a million tiny pieces..instead of laying and crying even more, I thought of her in Heaven..playing with all of her little friends that are waiting on their own mommys and daddy's. I thought of how she would not want me to be sad for her..but to be proud of her, to be proud of her fight, and honor her..I prayed for peace and the will to get out of bed and to make it a day worth while.. and so I just got up. I've been thinking about her all morning. I miss her like crazy.But like Cayden says "she wouldn't come back if she had the choice, because she is in the best place ever" ..so today my toddler died and I am dealing with it..hour by hour and day by day.. that's the best I can do..






BIG CHANGE OF SUBJECT!!
so I found this cool little site that you could make stick families.. Some have little babies with halo's, but this one didn't.. but I liked the "people" better..so I played with it some.. I added Ella..and then moved her to the side because she is physically not with us.. I looked at it for a bit and thought if I moved her back, then people would assume she was with us still.. so I moved her back by us..she is still with us.. assume away..she is with us with every single breath we take, every time our hearts beat, Ella is with us..

My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com


don't we just look like the happiest family ever?

12 comments:

Heather said...

Your stick family is cute.

Thinking about you and praying for you as the next few weeks are going to be very hard for you.

♥ you.

Just Breathe said...

Keeping you and your family in my prayers. ((HUGS))
Your stick family is precious.

Elizabeth said...

Thinking of you and praying for peace. *hugs*

Heather said...

(((hugs))) I've thought a lot of those same things about my baby. Thinking of you in this difficult, emotional time.

Love the stick family!

brigette said...

What a cute stick family!! Im so sorry for your loss. Sending many hugs and prayers from one loss mommy to another. I will keep you closed to my heart these next few weeks!!!!

Jill said...

Love the stick family. So cute and you are all together. Thinking of you! xo

Nan & Mike said...

Hugs sweetie. You are in my prayers for lots of comfort. Your stick family is too cute xxx

Heidi said...

(((Jen))) I agree, she deserves to be standing right beside her big brother :) My heart breaks for you, I cant imagine how tough this next week will be for your family. But love how youre able to see thru and find some peace, knowing she is still with you...always. Love and hugs and always prayers-
Heidi & Jack.

Karen said...

Sending you love as we both await May 19 of this year. Thinking of you and your family as your mourn the loss of your beautiful Ella as we are likewise missing our George. I love your stick family. (((Hugs)))

With Out My Punkin said...

I agree she does need to be with you in your stick family set up. Thinking of you and Ella ((hugs))

Holly said...

I totally believe what Cayden said. I know I wouldn't want to come back.

Once A Mother said...

i think the stick family is just perfect that way. she is always with you. xx