Tuesday, May 18, 2010

8:45 am..May 19th, 2009

It was a Tuesday morning..8:45 am on May 19th, 2009.. a year ago I stood by my sweet girl and watched her take her last breath..my heart was beating so fast, I lost my breath and felt dizzy..was this actually happening..I wanted to press pause on my life..it was too much..everything ran through my head at one time..prayers for the lord to come back, to take me home, to bring her back to me.. I know God can do miracles, he's done it before..why not now? I stood in a daze and finally heard Erin say easily "she hasn't taken a breath in a while"..I touched her chest, put my hand by her face to feel a breath, and nothing..I honestly can say the next few minutes were black..I cannot remember what I said or did..I felt anger, and such heartache that I cannot even begin to describe, there are truly no words..I've lost loved ones before and this was more than any of these..it was so intense..I could feel my heart beat all through out my body, feel my blood rush, and kept reminding myself to breathe in..Each person came in as they bathed her and I stood at the foot of her bed watching..how did we get here? What did we do to deserve this? What do I do now? Who am I without my daughter? How in the world do we tell Cayden? A year has gone by, and I am not the same, I will never be the same..I will always think of my sweet girl that was so wanted and so loved and adored by all who ever saw the sweetest blue eyes and that smile that makes the strongest man just melt into a puddle..A year later I am a better mom, a better person, I realize how precious our time on Earth is..how in a second, all we have can vanish..My dear friend lisa messaged me on how we've been a year since she's been gone, but also a year closer to seeing her.. I love it..I love her.. I love all of my dear friends and family, who show me support, show me that no matter what happens, however long she is gone, that Ella is not far away from so many minds and hearts..

So in honor of Ella Bella's angelversary, Sue over at My forever child has graciously donated a 25 dollar gift certificate to one lucky winner.. I have mentioned that I think because of our loss that I am a better mother to Cayden, that I would have never gotten around to foster &/or adoption..3 ways to enter become a "new follower", find Ella's group on facebook (a butterflies dream button on sidebar) and leave a comment  here on how the loss of your child has positively changed you..if you have not personally lost a child, just let me know how reading this or any blog has changed you..

here are a few "Ella" things I have on my jewelery armoire, the little heart is from my best friend Erin, and the bracelet and butterfly necklace are both from my forever child.. aren't they adorable.. so be sure to enter..I will post the winner sometime Thursday..I cannot promise that I will be online much Wednesday..
I say it all of the time, but I really am so grateful for our friends and family that have supported us so much since last January when she first fell ill.. I realize that we are not the same fun people that we once were, but we are working on it..we are still working on our new normal.. I am also so thankful for all of my wonderful blog and FB friends..both BLM's and Mito moms *and the few others that are both* This is a truly a club I would have never chosen to join, but so glad for the lovely people who are unfortunately part of it too..You all inspire me to do better..to feel what I need to feel and not hide it..also to draw close to my God in my times of sorrow..thanks to you all..

what I wouldn't do to be able to touch her little hand one more time..

18 comments:

Ryker's Rockin' Momma said...

Jen,
I am thinking of you. What strength you have to help others and to remember your little girl in such a wonderful way. I continue to read your blogs and updates and always keep you in my prayers. Sending lots of love and strength your way.

Amy said...

I'm praying for you this week and always. I've never met you, but I love you dearly!

The Blue Sparrow said...

Wow, I read this post and had tears streaming down my face. It was like I was standing next to you as you watched them bathe her. Sending prayer you way! *HUGS*

Danielle said...

Hugs to you on such a hard day. I hope God surrounds you with peace beyond all understanding today. I wish I could actually put my arms around you and give you a huge hug right now...

Karen said...

Thinking of you and your family especially today as you remember these final moments with your precious, beautiful Ella. Thank you for sharing her story here. I wish she'd been with you so much longer than this little while. It's my George's one year angel day today, too. xo

Jenna said...

Jen,

I am thinking of you and praying for you today. We lost our sweet little Brynn 6 months ago yesterday. It feels as fresh today as it did when it all happened. One thing that Brynn taught me was to be more compassionate toward others in whatever their needs are.

Emerging Butterfly said...

Thinking of you today....Thinking of sweet Ella. There is nothing "o.k." about ANY of this. I'm so sorry your little girl is gone. So very very sorry. Sending you love today...and always.

Franchesca said...

I remember our baby girls' angel dates being so close together. I've been thinking about you this morning, Jen. Wish I could ease your pain. Watching my Jenna fight for her life those 13 days changed me to the core, mostly how I viewed life. Life is such a gift. Praying for your comfort today. Thank you for sharing yours and Ella's story with us, she is simply gorgeous and she must be so proud of you.

XOXO

Elizabeth said...

It's so hard to watch them leave us in those last breaths. I'm thinking of you and praying for peace. *hugs*

Holly said...

What a most horrible and difficult day it must have been a year ago. Thinking of you and Ella and sending you love.

Like you, I've become a better mom and person. I've learned deeper compassion and love. My faith has grown stronger even in such a difficult time.

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

Thinking of Ella today <3 Im so sorry for what you've endured & I like the thought that you're one year closer to seeing her again. What a glorious day that will be when all is right & our arms are full.

I'm not sure if I've become better yet but I am more compassionate towards loss & I know I'm capable of a deeper love because of my daughter.

Praying for peace for you & your family.

Lisette said...

Thinking of you and Ella today. I am so sorry that you had to go through his traumatic experience a year ago today. I wish there was something that could ease your pain. Sending love and strength to you, ((HUGS)).

blessedmomto8 said...

Hugs, love and prayers to you today Jen. I'm so sorry.

With Out My Punkin said...

Jen thank you for sharing. Thinking of you and your sweet Ella. ((hugs))

Christy said...

Thinking of you today, Jen, and of your absolutely beautiful Ella. I'm just so sorry. Just so sorry. I wish she was here.
All my love!
xoxo

Sherry said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. This post brought me back to the night I lost my baby boy...There are truly no words to describe our loss, our pain, our grief...Yet, somehow, we manage to keep on living, but not the same life we had lived...Hugs and prayers to you!

Mary said...

Oh Jen, what a painful day to remember.

It is hard to think of how this has made me better. It makes me aware of the pain of others. It makes me see life for what it is.

AmberLCook said...

Beautiful post. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you found some comfort and form of peace today. I gave birth to a stillborn daughter at 36 wks. and 3 days of pregnancy Jan. 26th 2009. My world went black as you described in Oct. 2008 as I was told that I would never get to meet my daughter. That she would never live to be born. But, I am also a better mother, person and friend because of my journey with Daisy and I am so blessed to have a heathly 3 and 1/2 year old daughter. But I still miss my little girl who would be 1 yr. and 3 mths. old today. God bless you, Amber