Monday, July 19, 2010

utter and complete randomness..

My family cooked out the other day and my cousins kids (who are both 2) went running into the dining room for cake, some one said "attack of the two year olds!!" everyone smiled and watched, and my heart sank into my stomach.. I imagined Ella being right beside them chowing down and getting blue frosting all over. I wondered at that exact moment, if anyone else was thinking of Ella too...

She would be 2 years old next month. Its hard to imagine her as a toddler, actually its easy for me, its just heartbreaking.  I am not sure what if anything we will do for her birthday this year. We were going to have a breakfast at applebee's to raise money for the UMDF, but honestly I just don't have it in me right now.  Today is 14 months exactly since she flew away..how in the world I've lived that long without my daughter is beyond me. Everyone says how they would go crazy, have to be locked up, etc..if their baby/child died and most of the time I just say things like 'God gives you the strength each day.' Other times I think that there is something wrong with me. How can I smile and laugh and live my life, why don't I still feel like laying down and dying? I did for so long, I was completely blanketed in grief, loss, anxiety, and all over sadness and helplessness..Does it mean I don't love her enough, now that the moments like this are just short and random? Am I meant to walk around the tortured soul for the rest of my life? but, she would want us to carry on, she always wanted people to laugh and smile, she'd do anything for it..and we'd do anything for her to do the same..It is very comforting to know she is in glory and happy and patiently waiting for our family to be reunited.

This week on discovery health was baby week, and I was able to watch without falling to pieces. (which is a very huge accomplishment) Cayden and I watched 'I'm pregnant and...a former heroin addict' we watched the baby born and go to the NICU, and eventually go home. C looked at me and said "well, thats not fair" I knew what he meant, and just agreed with a 'life isn't fair' kind of saying...

At the cookout the other day, my cousins gf's family was there and they are a foster family, they  had a set of twins and another little boy with them. My mom talked to them a bit and they told her from the time they signed their contract that it was 4 months until they had a placement.. 4 months.. I don't know if this is the norm, or not..but I've been chomping at the bit and its not even 3 weeks yet.. I'm still working on patience, still waiting on the Lord to just give me a big ol' dose of it while I am sleeping or something..and I'll just wake up and say "all in God's timing" and I will actually mean it..  :) well this is the worlds most random post, so I will end now.. Happy Monday everyone!

5 comments:

brigette said...

I dont think it means you love her any less... the hole just isnt as big as you continue to live your lives. Im positive she wouldnt want you to be miserable everyday im sure she wants you to be happy!! Keeping my fingers crossed for your placement!

Holly said...

I recorded some of the things from baby week but haven't watched them yet.

Oh sweet Ella...

shan said...

I know exactly what you mean, how can I be okay without my Marie Isabel? I feel guilty about it sometimes... I'm working on that. I could have written this, you are so not alone with those feelings!

Stephanie said...

I don't think it's possible for anyone to love their child more than you loved her! Really I think you are a fabulous mother and of course you loved her and always will the same as you did from day one!

I'm praying for your placement! and sending hugs your way!!!!!!

Lori said...

I wrestle with that every day...how can black be white? How can up be down? How can my son be dead and I can still be happy?

That just doesn't compute...so I just continue to pray for the guilt to be removed and to be reminded that the joy is God's promise that He is there and is powerful enough to restore our hearts and souls.

I can't imagine that, but it must be....

xoxo