Thursday, September 16, 2010

changing of seasons...

I was just over at their page and have decided to participate in faces of loss, faces of hope's september writing challenge. The topic this month is simple~How has the changing of seasons (from summer to fall) impacted you in your grief journey?

*Fall for me is Ella, the smell of autumn air takes me back to her without even thinking about it. I close my eyes and I am back in Fall 2008. She was born Aug. 21st  2008. The breeze cooled and the colors on the trees and grass went from green to orange, brown and red. I would open the windows and turn on the attic fan and we would play, dance, snuggle and enjoy our time together all day. Jay was at work and Cayden was at school, it was just us. It was heaven on Earth. I'd hold her when she would nap and just sit and watch her sleep.. I would tell myself to take it in, because they get big so fast..or so I thought.. Autumn was our time of bliss, of ignorant bliss.. 

Once Winter arrived is when our Hell began..Even now, 2 years later, I can imagine her, the smell of the fresh air on her head, I can see her watching the leaves fall through our back door, I would be at the computer working and she would be in her bouncer staring outside..she loved it..Last fall I was still in a fog, it was so surreal, I could barely wrap my head around the fact that she was gone. This year, I feel it creeping up on me, her birthday, the cooler weather, the change of colors, it seems to make me long more for her, if that is possible. I miss her and I am sad, but it makes the urge to go back to that time even stronger. I put up our fall decorations ridiculously early this year, I ordered my fall scented scentsy, I want to go back to then..or to feel like I did at that time..I think back to picking out her halloween costume, my little bat girl..I think of what we would be picking out for her this year. She would be old enough to really get whats going on, to eat the candy..
I know I've said it a million times before, but it seems like it was yesterday, and a lifetime ago all at once. Fall has always been my favorite season, but now, I have a reason to love fall even more..it reminds me of the last time we had full and complete joy...







6 comments:

Debbie said...

that face...
so beautiful and precious

my thoughts are with you

blessedmomto8 said...

Jen, she was such a precious angel. Praying that you find that joy again. HUGS!

brigette said...

Oh how well i can relate especially to the seasons!! She is simply beautiful!! Sending much love and hugs your way!!

Kelli Morton said...

So beautifully written Jen! Such a beautiful little girl :) Our thoughts and prayers are with you always.

Holly said...

She is a beautiful reason to love fall.

Mary said...

Jen, I hope the change of season coming is gentle on you.