Monday, September 27, 2010

comfortable crisis..


Does anyone else seem to feel some sort of strange comfort during crisis? I know its a strange question, but I am honestly curious. Most see a baby hooked  up to wires and tubing and it scares them, takes them back and they are scared to even touch them.. today I held a tiny little girl, all hooked up and in the NICU, and instead of anxiety, I was covered in peace, like this felt natural to me..I felt comfortable talking about scary things with her nurse, asking questions most would never ask..I felt like I could sit and hold this sweet tiny baby all day long..On my way home I was thinking about 2 years ago, I would have never even attempted to hold her, I would be the one in the corner, afraid that I would break her.. I am so grateful for the healthy baby we have here with us, I love seeing her sit up, roll over, play with toys and our cell phones(dont ask)..and I will NEVER EVER wish a baby ill, but for a minute or two, I missed that. I miss the sounds of an 02 machine, monitors, the sounds of nurses and people in the hallway..I don't know if its all of that, or if its when I am in that surrounding I feel closer to her..I want this perfect little family, with a perfect little life, but what if we were meant to help out a sick baby, what if Ella's illness was to prepare us for what was ahead..maybe one day we will be in a position to help a sick baby..We would have never imagined we would be where we are now, but its our life..we will never have our happily ever after, I certainly realize this..but what if it is a different version, happily ever after 2.0? what if we help a sick baby get BETTER, and get to watch her grow and become the person she may have never become, if we had never decided to take a sick child...just a thought....I know I will never in my life regret this little sick baby..she made me who I am today..



btw as far as I know little miss is staying put for now. Her parents have court the 5th of October, so we will see what happens..I would jump at the chance to keep her forever..We love her to bits and pieces..this is just me thinking "out loud" I guess :)


7 comments:

Amber Greenawalt said...

I feel a comfort during crisis and it's wires to explain...I don't have to do any reflecting during that time I'm just living in the moment...I have a hard time in the "aftermath" when I'm dealing with the emotion if what just happened...like te days after we get home from a hospital stay. I also have a hard time getting comfortable when everything is hunky dory because in a way I'm waiting for thr inevitable shoe to drop. I think living through so much "crisis" has just made me this way...it's not a bad thing. I also think knowing that mito is (until there is a cure) permanent that makes it hard to feel settled. Hugs to you. I always enjoy your blog posts. Thanks for sharing with us.

Mary said...

I just want to say that picture is so cute.

As for being in a crisis, I haven't been in that type of situation since our loss. I just think that I will be able to handle things better.

Pipsylou said...

I found your blog through once a mother...

we are on the foster/adopt journey and i LOVE to read your words!!!!!!

both of my babies were NICU babies...there is something about the NICU that is calming, and I don't know what it is.

Holly said...

You just never know what the good Lord is preparing you for. It make not make sense and it may not seem fair but I know that He can use you to make such a big difference. I see it already!

shan said...

Jen, thanks for your comment! It was actually this post that got me thinking about how I handle things, with Sarah and Josie now, and how it's just different. Thank you for writing this and letting me know I'm not alone in the struggle!

Heidi said...

What a sweet picture of Ella. Theres no doubt she had a purpose. Like Amber, Mito certainly makes it difficult to ever feel settled. Just taking in everyday as a blessing. Continuing to pray that your little Miss will be staying put! HUGS and always prayers for your family-
Heidi & Jack.

Pipsylou said...

yes, the comfort during crisis is hard to explain...is it adrenaline or God's presence? I've never felt more calm than during a crisis. It just doesn't make sense, does it?

just checking your blog again...and MAN, she is cute!!!!!!