Thursday, September 2, 2010

so close, but soo far...

Last week we picked up a new little girl, 5 months old and absolutely darling. Her parents had some past issues with child welfare, lost their rights to 3 children and apparently had her under an alias name so they wouldn't take her too. Well they were found out after they apparently tried to kill eachother during a huge 'domestic dispute.'  They of course showed up to court without a lawyer, so they go back in October to most likely have their rights terminated. We were told right off the bat that it was very likely she would be up for adoption, several different times actually..The family did not step up for the other 3, so it was assumed they would not for her.. So I did it, I let my gaurd down and absolutely fell in love..The worker called me after her parents court and told me it would be continued later, but that she had some news. My heart sank and I knew.. she said an aunt came to court and is requesting gaurdianship..they are doing a home inspection and background check and will get back to me. I know its wrong, but I am praying she is denied. For my sake sure, because she already acts like one of us, but more for her sake..for her well being.. I feel like once again we were so close, and now are so far again...I know we are not going to keep every single child, but I really had a strong attachment and feeling that she was the one. Sweet Pea is doing beautifully with her Nana, and I talk to them every few days and we are even keeping her when they attend resource classes. I am not so naive to think that every time a child moves on that such a relationship will exist with the new caretaker. I can extend my information and willingness to help, but they do not have to accept. So for now we wait..I feel absolutely helpless. I've cried and been angry and all sorts of different emotions. The grief is different but kind of the same too..I look at her and pray she is still with us tomorrow night, much like I did Ella for so many nights..so afraid to sleep and wake up to find her gone..different but kind of the same. .

I have also had some other things on my mind lately, weighing heavy. It seems sometimes as though this storm is never going to pass. I asked my mom the other day if she thought we just weren't meant to be happy!?  Seems like we are so close and it all falls away. I am really trying to know and trust that one day we will be blessed. We have no idea what's in store for us, but we are ready for something good for once.  Cayden unfortunately is old enough now that it is sometimes hard to hide whats going on, he over hears conversation and will always put in his 2 cents. He is so very smart and very intuitive.. The other day when I picked him up after the worker called, he asked why I was crying. I told him I hadn't been (in an hour or so at least) and he simply stated "I don't know why you don't just tell me why" umm..when did you turn into an adult?? I just told him that I had a moment and was better now that I prayed for peace..'oh, about Ella then' and that was the end..yes, I guess in a way its about her..Its always about her..in some way, shape or form.. We've not told him about the baby possibly leaving yet, we don't want him to worry about it if it doesn't happen. He loves her already, he knows we can't keep all of them too, but he sure would like to.. ((sigh)) so would I...
   anyhow, sorry to be absent so long and then come back with a big ol' whine fest.. I promise to work on a positive and upbeat post very soon.. and to catch up on my blog reading/stalking, seems as though my pc is somewhat working again..**cross my fingers and toes!**

here is a little sneak peak of sweet girl, I have so many good pics I wish I could share.. maybe one day..((praying))

12 comments:

Heather said...

I just hope this works out for you, and I'm so sorry for the heartache that keeps coming your way! It would be so hard, doing what you're doing, but you are amazing for putting your heart and love out there, no matter what the outcome.

brigette said...

I am so sorry. I will keep my fingers crossed for you guys! That little girl deserves a sweet loving family like you guys!!

blessedmomto8 said...

Jen, this STINKS! I SO KNOW how you feel. We have had foster children and adopted 6. It is a rough road filled with love and heart ache but GOD WILL REWARD YOU for all you are doing for the least of these! God bless!
Jen

Kelly said...

Jen, this is horrible. I'm sorry, but that's how I feel for so many reasons. (((HUGS))) I hope that this all works out for you.

PB&J said...

you are doing such a wonderful heartfelt thing.... just wonderful. I hope for you!!!

Holly said...

I really hope that it does work out so that you can keep her. I'm glad Sweet Pea is doing well with her Nana!!

Michelle said...

two quick thoughts... aside, of course, from wanting you to know i'll be lifting ALL of you up in prayer & hope you'll keep us posted so we know specifics to take to the Lord! :-)

1) i know it's harder with your son being old enough to pick up on things, but do try your best during those moments when you're stuck for words that it's better him be there than not. i KNOW you know this, and i am in NO WAY implying that you aren't grateful for him being here - NOT AT ALL! i'm just trying to give you a solid "positive" to hold on to when it feels negative. :-)

2) as painful as it will be if you lose this little girl, and for the baby's sake as well as your family's i'm hoping you don't, but if you do, try to remember that you do NOT want to keep a child or even be granted an adoption when any relative with a LEGITIMATE claim (i've got no idea if this relative does or not) is denied, because they could easily choose to fight you and you could lose her later, when you're much more bonded. i'm not suggesting you don't already love her very much... just that there are rare cases where the child is removed months or years later for reasons that could've been done in the beginning, and every single time, the parents end up saying, "i wish it had happened sooner."

i'm praying... please let us know what ends up happening. :-)

Lori said...

Just hate you being tugged like this...as if your heart isn't so tender as it is. Praying for the best for those sweet girls and of course, always, always for you.

Bree said...

fingers and toes crossed, prayers said... you deserve it! xo

Stephanie said...

She's precious! Praying for you Jen - praying!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mary said...

It is heartbreaking to "hear" you. I can totally hear how much you have fallen in love with this little one. I really hope that one day your prayers are answered.

Heidi said...

(((Jen))) She looks perfect in every way, rewarding and difficult all the same. BUT I have no doubt your time will come, if not this precious baby girl, then another in just as much need. It takes someone real special to foster these littleones and not to get too attached. Your time is coming, I know it. LOVE and prayers always for your family-
Heidi & Jack.