The new and improved 30??!

So it is no big secret that I will be turning 30 tomorrow ((aka 29.01)) I will admit that for so long 30 seemed so old, so far away and now its staring me in the face. I remember always saying that I will not have any kids after 30. When I was pregnant with Ella, I told Jay that if we were to have another one, I would have to get pregnant when Ella was about 18 months. that would make me 30 and then we could be done.  The age thing doesn't make me sad, but I feel like I am looking at this open book wandering where we went wrong? Why aren't things the way that we planned them. I have made lists, timelines, and agenda's since I was a teenager. I love to have order, to know exactly what is going to happen and when. First it was the infertility issue after Cayden, my plan was to have another when C was 5. Finally got pregnant and had Ella when he was 8. A little off schedule, but we can work with it. She dies when he is 9 and I am back to square 1. We now have little miss, and things are never certain with foster care, or so it seems. Things are said about if we get the go ahead and can adopt her, and I would love nothing more than to keep her forever and ever. But even if we did get the 'go ahead' I think I will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nothing has gone as planned so far, so why would it now? I hate thinking this way.

The thirty I wanted was way different than the thirty I am getting.. I want and still have a wonderful family and friends, a fantastic husband and son that I would do anything for. My 2 year old daughter is absent. I walk around with a partially broken heart 24/7. I have random bouts of sadness that over come me with out warning. Things I have that I would have not imagined though, an even closer bond with my husband and son after the loss.. We decided early on that we were not going to be the family that falls apart, but the one that falls together after tragedy. We have a beautiful baby girl who can make us smile and laugh when we are having the worst day. Although we do not know what the future holds, we do know that we are helping, we are making a difference in her life and any other lives that are placed in our care. We are making the most of our lives, we love deeper, we have patience and strength that we never thought possible. My days of order and plannning have gone out the window, I have embraced the chaos, I am finding my new normal, and I am learning to love every minute of it.

I think its funny to step back and look at our lives, to see what we wanted vs what we have, or what God wanted for us, what God has planned for us. I still hold tight to the fact that nothing will ever be worth losing Ella, but I am now seeing a little bit of what is meant for us, and that's not so bad either..
I've shared this verse a million times, so what is 1 more time.. psalms 126:5 They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. Much of my twenties were spend in sadness and conflict, so here is to the new and hopefully better thirties..

what I wouldn't give to go have a heart to heart with the 18 year old Jen..The things I would prepare her for, the heart ache I would warn her about...and the moments I would tell her to soak in and enjoy as much as possible.



P.S
I just saw this preview on facebook and wanted to share ((after watching it several times)), I have a huge lump in my throat and felt like I was about to cry. The conversation about God needing another angel did me in. I am certain I have had that exact conversation before. I am sure I will cry the entire time, but I do plan on watching it. Hopefully this sheds some light on child loss, and how as parents we 'deal' with it..Be sure to silence the music at the bottom of the blog.