angry eyebrows...

Cayden use to watch Veggie tales all of the time, I will always remember one specific episode about angry eyebrows, yeah you guessed it, it was about letting go of anger.. seems like a simple enough concept right? The past week or so, I'm pretty sure I have been sportin' these brows.. I have just been angry and resentful..for no real reason I guess.. nothing major has happened. We still are trucking right along..  We had a visit with the bio parents Friday, it was super craptastic. We sat down and figured out visits for the next 3 weeks, and then we will see what happens in court and if we need to schedule more.. ((praying we don't!!) They had missed the 2 visits before that one, the mom showed up Friday, and we schedule another for today since our SW has court later this week. They once again no show..so 3 outta the 4 they couldn't get it together enough to show.. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly fine with them proving their imcompetence as parents over and over.. however, I am not confident in the court system, that even though they have essentially done nothing since losing her *or their 3 other kids in fact, I worry they will just hand her back. We love her and would take wonderful care of her..forever. Here is where the anger kicks in though.. I will clarify first that I LOVE LOVE LOVE LM and will never ever regret taking her, but it seriously pisses me off that we are going through this. It pisses me off that our daughter is gone, and I would die for another hour with her and they can't find time to awaken from their drunken stuper to even see her. It pisses me off that I don't know what is going to happen with her, with us..it pisses me off that I worry about losing her to her parents, to death...why can't I just have a normal thought process.. this is my daughter and she will be here in my home until she goes to college..it pisses me off that others all around me have babies, kids and are pregnant and it seems as they have no worries or concerns..they appear to be happy and normal...I just want that.. not to worry about things like what if she ends up back with her parents and turns into a replica of her mother? A very stereo typical black out raging drunk indian..yeah way to be oringinal.. loser. What if they send her back to them and we fall apart, can we handle such a loss? my heart tells me yes, I know we've been through the deepest of valleys, and while it would suck beyond everything, we would get through it.. worse though, what if something terrible happens to her? barf.. so there I am pissed that I am not normal.. I am pissed that all we've wanted for 6 yrs was for our family to be complete, and for 9 months it was, and now, its at risk again from being torn from our fingertips.. so.close... I keep praying for the lord to be gentle, to please let something go in our favor for once..Jay said the other night 'I know she makes you happy, but my worry is if they take her, that you will fall apart again..'  My thought is how can I fall apart when I am still so obviously broken? I think that loving her has helped me put back together myself, little bits at a time. I know I smile more, I love another child that isn't from my body, and that is comforting to know.. I know right now, we have her next week and the week after, so let me love her as if its going to be forever, because quite frankly, isnt that what she needs the most?  If she gets taken back, we will cross that bridge, but for now, I need to hang on to what I have in this moment..and more importantly what she needs in this moment..