maybe...

My uncle K passed away very suddenly a few months back. He was a good guy, funny, outgoing..Some in my family didn't know how to take him, I however though, adored him..I seriously have so many good memories of just laughing with him and him giving the best hugs, he was a big, tall man and when you got a K hug, it was a REAL hug, he'd pull ya in and you just felt okay. He is one of the few people I remember talking to after Ella died, and although he never lost a child, he just got it..he was like that I guess.. anyway, I never dream about anyone other than Ella from time to time, and never of any importance..but I just woke up and had the need to get this written down before I forget..I honestly don't know if I will even post it, but here is what happened.

I was standing on a white sand beach, I was the only one there. The waves were softly crashing into the beach, the sun was just rising. I remember thinking 'its a new day'. I heard some rustling down the way that grabbed my attention. I look over and there is my uncle K on the break of where the water meets the sand. He was picking up Christmas lights. I begin to walk toward him and he says 'Jen, it was awesome, you should have seen it!!' I look all down the beach and there are lights for miles..'but where??...how do you plug them in? how far do they go?" He just laughed and said simply..'it was so cool'.. I follow him as he continues to wrap the lights..'How is your aunt L doing?' he asked. 'I think she is okay, she got a new job...she is excited about it I think...She misses you...alot..' I stop and feel bad for a second because I was here with K and she wasn't..'I miss her, but she will be okay, its not like its the end of our story'. I was still a few feet back from him and had stopped in my tracks.. He turned around, as to make sure I was still there..his eyes met mine.. 'Have you seen her?' I finally get out..he smiles his big contagious smile and says 'She is perfect, she is so funny and actually reminds me alot of you'.. I catch his face as he looks out in the ocean..'Beautiful, isn't it?'.... 'Can I go? to see her? just for a little bit'..He looks at me and then looks down while kicking some sand around..'sweet heart, you know thats just not possible'..'Please, its been so long, and this is just so hard' I begin to cry, he pulls me close to him into a famous K hug, and says 'We were never promised it would be easy, only that it would be worth it.. trust me honey, its worth it'..I take a deep breath in, to try to compose myself..the smell was so sweet, roses, maybe vanilla? I don't know..I wipe my tears and pull back and as I look up I see that he is gone.. I look all around and there are no lights, no sight of anyone else..or that anyone else had been there at all..just me on the beach alone.. I look back and just my footprints are there.. and in my heart and head all I can hear is his deep voice saying 'trust me honey, its worth it'..I look out at the beautiful sunrise over the ocean, smell of sweetness still lingering..'I hope so..' I say in a whispered voice.. and then wake up..

I laid in bed, trying to get back to sleep..maybe my dreams would take me back there..no luck..I hopped up fast, wanting to tell someone.. now that I typed it all out, hopefully I won't forget it.. I am not much of one for signs or symbolism.. but my heart has been so heavy lately.. and to have this dream on the morning of New years eve...that is something.. tomorrow marks a new year..'a new day'.. We have our new hope in LM, so maybe, just maybe.. 2011 will be kind to us.. or at least kinder than 2009 and 2010 have been.. maybe I won't waste 2011 drowning in self pity..maybe I will look at each day and strive to make it better than the last..maybe I will work on patience, maybe I'll work on the faith part of my faith based religion.. maybe I will find acceptance or at least some tiny bit of peace about what's happened...

If you are reading this, I wish nothing but the best for your new year.. from the words of Oprah Winfrey '“Cheers to a new year and another chance to get it right'...