Tuesday, July 27, 2010

rainbow for a weekend....

Friday morning we got a call to come and pick up a sweet 2 month old baby boy. We brought him home and loved on him all weekend. He cooed, jabbered and has the sweetest smiles. On Saturday night, I held him and fought back the tears as I remembered holding sweet Ella so many nights, begging God to heal her tiny body and let us keep her..I looked down at him and not only felt sad for us, but for him.. how could someone have such a precious gift and not move Heaven and Hell to do whatever needed done for this sweet little guy..I obviously can't go into details, but I just.did.not.get.it...and I finally had to remind myself, how its not for us to understand. its for us to help and love them when we can.. while there in our home, we'll do the moving for these sweet children..Monday morning I took the little man for his visit with his mother and a another family picked him up and took him home with them. I then came home and took a 5 hour nap! yes, 5 hours!! Sweet little guy wore me smoooooth out! It was so nice to have a sweet little rainbow for the weekend..for now, we will wait for the next call and placement.. we did talk to the worker about only little girls from here on out though.. everything we have is pink, purple, flowers and butterflies..

On another note, I am behind again on reading blogs, facebook and everything..I've hit a wall the past few weeks..Ella's birthday is less than a month away.. She should be here, she should be turning two and having the best little princess party ever..I miss her so much I just can't stand it..I can't believe that it was 2 years ago that we were so excited to finally have our girl that we'd prayed for..I would have never in a million years imagined that we would watch her suffer lose her and bury her before her 1st birthday.. what I would not give to go back to that time and bask in our ignorance...((sigh))

Monday, July 19, 2010

utter and complete randomness..

My family cooked out the other day and my cousins kids (who are both 2) went running into the dining room for cake, some one said "attack of the two year olds!!" everyone smiled and watched, and my heart sank into my stomach.. I imagined Ella being right beside them chowing down and getting blue frosting all over. I wondered at that exact moment, if anyone else was thinking of Ella too...

She would be 2 years old next month. Its hard to imagine her as a toddler, actually its easy for me, its just heartbreaking.  I am not sure what if anything we will do for her birthday this year. We were going to have a breakfast at applebee's to raise money for the UMDF, but honestly I just don't have it in me right now.  Today is 14 months exactly since she flew away..how in the world I've lived that long without my daughter is beyond me. Everyone says how they would go crazy, have to be locked up, etc..if their baby/child died and most of the time I just say things like 'God gives you the strength each day.' Other times I think that there is something wrong with me. How can I smile and laugh and live my life, why don't I still feel like laying down and dying? I did for so long, I was completely blanketed in grief, loss, anxiety, and all over sadness and helplessness..Does it mean I don't love her enough, now that the moments like this are just short and random? Am I meant to walk around the tortured soul for the rest of my life? but, she would want us to carry on, she always wanted people to laugh and smile, she'd do anything for it..and we'd do anything for her to do the same..It is very comforting to know she is in glory and happy and patiently waiting for our family to be reunited.

This week on discovery health was baby week, and I was able to watch without falling to pieces. (which is a very huge accomplishment) Cayden and I watched 'I'm pregnant and...a former heroin addict' we watched the baby born and go to the NICU, and eventually go home. C looked at me and said "well, thats not fair" I knew what he meant, and just agreed with a 'life isn't fair' kind of saying...

At the cookout the other day, my cousins gf's family was there and they are a foster family, they  had a set of twins and another little boy with them. My mom talked to them a bit and they told her from the time they signed their contract that it was 4 months until they had a placement.. 4 months.. I don't know if this is the norm, or not..but I've been chomping at the bit and its not even 3 weeks yet.. I'm still working on patience, still waiting on the Lord to just give me a big ol' dose of it while I am sleeping or something..and I'll just wake up and say "all in God's timing" and I will actually mean it..  :) well this is the worlds most random post, so I will end now.. Happy Monday everyone!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

patience, or shall I say lack of....

pa·tience [pey-shuhns]

1. the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.
2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.

Guess what God did not bless me with? yep..patience..I have never claimed to be a patient person, everything I want/need, I wanted/needed it yesterday..Sitting and waiting..not knowing whats ahead, man..its just really freaking hard..I know I am not the only one that feels this.. I not that I have any feelings of "entitledness" or that I am better or more important than any one else.. but sometimes I can't help but think "when is our time going to come, we have been through enough for several lifetimes.." Some lady dropped her babies off and a firestation recently, and my first thought was frustration..how does this chick throw away perfectly healthy babies, when we would have laid down our lives for ours to have a chance? (sidenote: I am so thankful that she did leave them there, and not harm them or leave them abandoned) and then I thought about them going into the system..so many good families waiting for completeness with children to keep...our time will come though..I am working on patience..I am a tad envious of those who come by it naturally..because its not that I have little patience, I have ZERO.. ask anyone IRL who knows me.. :)

I have mentioned it seems like everyone who has ever met me is pregnant.. 2 SIL's, BFF, cousin/sister, acquaintances, church members, and I am sure many many more.. I was watching Army wives the other night, and one of them women and her husband were watching their baby on ultrasound, and before I knew it the tears were coming..would we ever have that again? I remember watching Ella's US dvd over and over and over.. and it breaks my heart..to miss her, to not ever have that again.. that excitement and anticipation, don't get me wrong, I HATE being pregnant, but sometimes, I long for it, just knowing the outcome would be a keeper baby..however I am trying to talk my mom into getting pregnant and carrying triplets for me..*any one see Strange Pregnancies on discovery health?* She says her eggs are too old though..haha..anyway..so right now, I am just waiting and praying for patience..either that or a baby to be handed over to me with no strings attached, hey a girl can dream right ;)

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

my own personal kind of heroine...

13 months out and I still crave her.. I close my eyes and remember what she felt like, what she smelled like, her laugh, her sweet smile, her haunting big blue eyes.. 13 months and I still feel the NEED for her..not want, of course I want her here, I could say that most want her here still, but I NEED her.. I need her like an addict needs his next fix. I've gone through my rehab (therapy) but it makes me need more tolerable..its not so over whelming that I can't function anymore..but its aways there.. Hopefully this week sometime, we'll have some little feet in the house, and I am so glad and so grateful this is the decision that we made, to help kids who need it the most..but even then..it will still be there.. the need for her.. and honestly I hope it never goes away..its what reminds me that she was here in the first place..

Thursday, July 1, 2010


We signed our foster and adoption contract yesterday. I felt joy, relief and guilt...mostly joy and relief, but that guilt hit shortly before..Is it too soon? Does this mean we'll think of Ella less, miss her any less? They said 3-4 days to get it all done and they will contact us for a placement..3-4 days left to mourn for her? Last night I was thinking about it and have came to the conclusion, that even if I have 18 other kids, I will still miss her equally. Its not too soon, our hearts tell us this is the right thing for our family.. its the path we were meant to go..that is not saying we were 'meant' to lose her, but we did, and for now, we need to proceed with our life and not be stuck in her death. She existed, she was perfect, she was everything we wanted and needed and so much more, but she is gone..Its not going to do me, or anyone else any good for me to wallow in my self-pity. We will grieve, mourn and remember her until we are reunited in heaven. I know my doubts come from the devil, trying to keep us from helping others, trying to keep us from joy, comfort, etc etc..We are excited to make a difference, to help, to be a blessing to others..and in the meantime, we'll pray for our family to be completed forever. I thought about creating another blog about foster/adoption, but have decided not to..this was our story before her, and is our story of 'Attempting to love life without her'..its us finding our new normal..so I will blog here about the other things, and I certainly understand if I lose readers..its not just a loss blog (which in all honesty has been for the past 13 months) ...We are moving on, not without her, but with her in our hearts instead of our arms...

In other news, our lovely, intellegent and beautiful pal Mandi has taken more pics of C-man, and soon will take a few family pics, so here are a few she's let us sneak a peak at..he looks so big, doesn't he?! he went from my baby to my not-so-little-any-more-man!

here are a few conversations we've had lately...he's so smart and soo funny...
C- If  K gave baby H up to the state, would you take her?
Me- ((laugh)) ummm..I don't think that is ever going to happen, but I am sure we would..
C- I know they wouldn't but .. but that would be good, she is not sick one little bit..
Me~ maybe we'll get one just as cute
C~ that can't happen, none can compare to her cuteness...except Ella, she's the cutest in Heaven though..

Me- We sign our contract tomorrow, maybe this week we'll have a little girl!
C- What?! your were pregnant with Ella for 9 months,  we've only been waiting 4..I haven't had time to prepare!
Me~ prepare? for what?! Do you need more time?
C~ no, but there goes sleeping in all summer..
me~ ((laugh)) I will close your door if we get up early..promise..

He is such a turkey..he is excited and anxious about what age we are going to get..we all are :)