Saturday, June 13, 2009
babies and bows everywhere..
I can't turn around today without seeing a baby with a bow.. I got Ella a little pool on clearance last year for this summer, since she would be sitting up and old enough to splash around in a little one.. I saw the same one at Wal-mart today and thought I was going to absolutely lose it.. overwhelmingly sad instantly.. so we avoid the baby and toy section and am in the grocery section and they are everywhere.. babies, not even just babies.. babies with bows..is it just me?? or are they actually everywhere? Taunting me on purpose? to remind me of what we have lost? I dont need reminders...sometimes I am fine and other times I am not.. I miss her so bad I can't even stand it.. I have been staying so busy, but today its catching up with me and I feel like I could just lay down and die.. I want to hold her, I want to kiss her.. I keep thinking of her funeral when I looked at her before we left for the cemetary..I looked at her and it hit me "take this in, this will be the last time you see her again" I wanted to pick her up and run.. YOU CAN'T TAKE HER! SHE IS MY BABY AND BELONGS WITH ME!!!!! but she was gone.. I keep expecting to wake up like this is all an awful dream, but instead I wake up in silence..nothing.. I look over and her bassinet is gone.. and its not fair.. What did I do to deserve this? why MY baby? I loved her enough, I took good care of her, I WANTED HER SO BAD... and now all I have is this huge gaping hole.. people are back to work, visitors are slowing down, cards stopped and emails are now back to normal.. just like she weren't here... I know life doesnt stop, it can't stop.. I can't begin to explain how I feel.. I am okay and then I am so mad, sad, feel cheated, all at once.. I know life goes on... I pray one day we have another child to maybe fill in a little of this gap..right now though, in this moment.. I feel empty..my heart is broken into a million pieces... I cry when I don't expect it... when I think I am okay, something grabs me and pulls me back into reality.. my awful and sad reality, of the lifetime I have to go on without my daughter....anyway..this is me and my pity party for today...
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10 comments:
Jen,
It breaks my heart to hear the sadness in your *voice*. I am sitting here with tears for you, for Ella, for every Mama whose baby has gone too soon. I know that nothing I say will ease your heartache. But know that we remember Ella often, she is such a beautiful Angel!
Janis & Austin
Oh Jen, my sweet friend, my heart breaks for you! I know I have said it a million times but please know that I am always here to listen. I can not fathom the hurt and emptiness that you endure on a daily basis, but always know you have family and friends who are willing to carry you when you can not stand. I pray for you daily that God will begin mending your torn heart. We will never forget your beloved Isabella and we have certaintly not forgot about you.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9
I love you my sister.
Keyla
Oh Jen, I always read your blogs to see how you are doing and check w/Mandi always. I just want you to know we have been and will continue to pray for you and your sweet family.
I felt like I could not breathe reading your sad words across my computer screen. My heart is deeply saddened by the tremendous amount of pain you (and your family) are enduring. I am so sorry that you don't get to hold your daughter here on earth. My prayers and thoughts are with you. I pray that God will give you longer amounts of feeling "okay" as you put it....peace on your tender heart. I work in OB/PEDS and see many miracles, and then too many losses of children. As a counselor, I often speak with people regarding multiple facets of life, but death of a child is just not something that has any answers. It just is not the way that it should be.....Personally, I have to trust that God has His hand in healing because if not, I just don't know how one could cope with such a tragedy. Again, I am so sorry....praying for you.
Jen
This is no pity party...its grieving. I can't imagine what you are going through and I won't say I know how you feel. But I know others who have suffered such a loss and sometimes venting the stuff out is the best thing you can do. I will keep praying your family always. I hope the days get easier.
-Christy
Jen,
My heart is breaking as well. I see the same things as you do & it is heart breaking. I wonder the same things and ask the same questions. She can never be replaced or forgotten. I also think about the good times we had with her. I have tears of joy as well, like the day we found out you were having a girl. I can remember every minute of that time, the music that was playing and how my heart skipped a beat.. We will never forget her and we can & will cry when ever and where ever we want. If yo ever need to just vent, you know you can call me and we can do it together.. I know it's been hard losing her & it's hard watching my kids grieve. I love you !!
Jen, we love you all and pray for you everyday. My heart breaks for you all. I have never lost a child so I will not ever say I know what you are going through, but I have lost someone I was extremely close to and it hurt so bad to see the world moving on without them. You want to hit pause or rewind but everything is moving in fast forward. I want you to know I am here if you ever need me.
Jen, You all are still constantly on my mind. I remember, I know, and I'm so sorry this happened to you and your Ella. Just today I heard a song on the radio and thought this is Ella's song.She will never be forgotten. As for Life Goes ON, It will never be the same life. You couldn't dream this stuff up when you were planning out your future. You are in so much pain because little Ella took a piece of your heart with Her so she will always have you close. Keep breathing in and out. Soon you will find yourself making your new life and Ella will always be in your heart. Shelley
I don't know you, but I have followed your families' journey since late January. I teach at Rejoice and recieved a urgent prayer request; so, we would pray for Ella before school as a staff and I told all my friends to pray for Ella. I want you to know that I am still praying and have friends that are praying for you and your family. I have had 3 babies go onto heaven at birth and since have had 2 children to surivive. I don't know how you feel, but I do know that my heart is still broken, it changes who you are forever. A grief conselor told my husband and I that it may take a lifetime to learn how to live again; but you should not hide how you feel-if you are sad or angry, it's okay - don't pretend that your okay if your not. I try to concentrate on my children and then sometimes will feel guilty that I'm moving on and I'm happy. I can say that time and prayer is the only thing that has helped. I can't wait to get to heaven and see my babies! When it gets hard, I try to picture God holding my babies in His arms and rocking them; in my opinion it should be me and you should be rocking Ella! But since we can't I know that God is. Please know that you continue to be uplifted in my prayers. My heart breaks for you and your husband and son. God's peace be upon you.
(((HUGS)))
While, I have not gone through the same loss as you, I have lost a loved one (my Daddy died last July 4 shorts weeks after I gave birth & 3 weeks before my wedding). I know exactly how you feel about losing it anywhere, at any given moment, over any given thing. My heart is totally broken for you & your family. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here.
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