If at 38 weeks I knew that I only had 8 months and 29 days with my precious daughter, that she would suffer from a terminal disease for the majority of her short life, would I "do anything about it" and I knew the answer already.. no, I would not.. even at 19 weeks, even at 4 weeks.. God has a plan for me, as he did her.. I don't know what exactly lies ahead, but I am thankful for the time we had with her and I would not be complete if it weren't for the love,joy, tears and even the heartache we endured in that 8 months and 29 days..
I would have missed this at 19 weeks..
this at 26 weeks..
meeting her for the first time, and falling instantly in love..
I would have missed some of her first smiles...
and even her last smiles...
and with out all of these things.. It wouldn't be MY life.. it wouldn't be me.. Do I miss her like crazy, yes.. I cry and ache and think I can't make it another day. I know though, we are going to have a wonderful reunion on the other side.. I am and have been secure with my salvation, but was always scared to die, and now, I am not.. I have something to look forward to.. In the mean time though.. there is a plan already in place for me..there has been since my moment of conception, just as there was for Ella...
"I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29: 11-13)
9 comments:
Jen you made me cry with this post. I am so thankful to be able to see your small steps towards healing in your words. I, also, was afraid of dying until my granny passed away a few months ago. I know it isn't the same as losing a child, but I have something to look forward to. It makes me strive be a better person and live the way God wants me to live.
I am so sorry that your baby Ella is not here with you. It breaks my heart but I am a believer that our paths are set before we are born. This was Ella's path and eventhough it hurts many people, this is what God wanted for her.
I have been touched by your story and precious Ella. I have prayed more and harder for your peace and comfort than I think I ever have prayed. Maybe God was needing Ella so I could learn how to pray for others better. I don't know but I do know that I am drawn to sweet Ella and haven't had the opprotunity to meet her or you and I only know you through blog land and Amanda. Thank you for your insightful thoughts on this topic. It makes me treasue each day with my kids more.
This blog was a beautiful one!
Keyla
Oh Jen you make my cry everytime I visit. My heart just breaks when I think about the fact that Ella isn't here with you. I too agree 100% with what you said about abortion!!!!!!!!!!!! No matter what each life is worth it!
You and Ella grabbed my heart and to this day haven't let go. Sending you hugs!!!!!
Beautiful!
That was a beautiful post and you are a beautiful writer. I am so happy you find peace in your faith. God Bless you.
Diane
cp:doodlebugabby
this was truly beautiful and heartwarming. I know that you would never trade a moment with your sweet daughter. I have a daughter only a month older than your Ella, and have followed your blog for awhile but had not commented before now. this post really touched my heart.
All I can say is beautiful and "Amen" looking forward to our beautiful reunion with our precious babies and in the meantime trying to live the life that God has planned for me.
((Hugs)) to you & your family,
Kim Beeler (Matthew's Mommy)
You are a strong woman, and I respect that.
Ah, Jen. This is a great post. You are so right. I am so thankful for every minute I had with my Ella. I will always wish for more, but am thankful for getting as much time as I did. You have some great memories and photos of Ella. She is stunningly beautiful.
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