Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Wednesday ramblings..

Next Wednesday is our first homestudy for fostering/adoption. My mom came over on Monday and we cleaned it up again, took flowers from the cemetery out of it and put them in the garage. I took pretty much anything extra out that I had set in there, scrapbook stuff, ribbon and flowers and a few other craft items.. we straightened it up enough..Now I need to go through it.. get out the "just Ella items" that no one will use again..Is this silly? I have toys she loved, clothes she wore, that I just can't let go of.. and not the small amount that came to my head when I thought about it.. ALOT.. I am being a little selfish, but it feels like that is all we have left of her.. The other things I am going to sort by age, clothes and toys together..so I have a week to get it done..Do I leave up the pics of her or take them down because its weird to have your lost babies pictures in the room? I am seriously asking..not just one of those, "Good question" questions.. would you think it strange? Advice? thoughts? baby lost moms and especially others, would you find it odd to walk into someones house with a child in the nursery with pics of a deceased baby? 

I am about finished with the faces of mito video..its beautifully heartbreaking..I will share it here also with you all..some of the older ones who are pretty impaired tear me apart..I am so thankful Ella did not have to suffer..I am glad she was healed in the best way, but I am also a little jealous.. at least they get more time, handicapable, handicapped, I just wanted her, still want her..and the other babies gone..man...its like when you find a blog you've never seen and read their stories, and see their faces, you just weep, empathy flows out of you like fountain..so for the last few days, its as though I have found about 35 other new blogs..in 1 sitting..agonizing is a word that comes to mind.. but at the same time I am honored to share all of these people, to put a face with mito..down the road you will remember at least a few of the faces of mitochondrial disease and will say "this disease is horrifying" instead of  "mitowhat?"

On another note, I can't believe her 1 year is rapidly approaching.. we are having a basketball tournament, but I am thinking of ways to include my bloggy friends also..baby lost and not..This blog has been so much more than intended when it all began.. I have found friendship, support, and solace all from a group of complete strangers..its marvelous..so big virtual hugs to all of you from me..

14 comments:

PB&J said...

I am excited for your home/visit etc... just my opinion but I would take all but one picture out of the room... one would be good to have but many might not look right... keep it small. As for "her" things that no one will ever use again. that is totally NORMAL. I went through all the baby things and even stuff Joseph never wore.. I pictured him in it or it was from a special person... I put all that away in a box of things for him. I think it is OK no matter the quantity you have right now..... Just be kind to your heart. Remember you are just moving forward with her in your heart.. not leaving her behind. :) Good luck to you.. Really I am so hoping the best for you.

Lisa said...

Jen, I'm really looking forward to seeing the video and sharing it with others who always say, "Mitowhat?" :)

As for the photos, I have gone through stages of moving photos around- sometimes they are prominent, sometimes I put them in our bedroom. Would that be a good option for you? To have them in your and Jay's bedroom instead of your foster child's room? That way you don't have to pack them up. As for if its strange to have them around- absolutely not! :)

Bree said...

I say leave her pictures out. But, being a lbm myself, I may be biased. I've been sorting through Ella's things a bit. I originally thought we could use most of her stuff for Nora, but now I'm having a hard time with that. At the same time, I can't get rid of anything. So, what am I supposed to do? Just hang on to this stuff forever. I kind of fear I'll become a hoarder. Thinking you as Ella's anniversary nears.

Franchesca Cox said...

Jen, I am so excited for you as your adoption/fostering process begins. I have pictures of Jenna (and will as long as I can) in the nursery. She is a part of who we are as a family. It just felt wrong, somehow to exclude her presence from that room especially. She has an entire wall, actually, which might change as we hopefully get pics of baby brother up there too. I know it's different for everyone, but I hope you can find what helps your heart. And you're not being selfish with her things and clothes! I feel the exact same way. If God ever gave us another little girl, there would be things that would never get used by the new child. Some things just have to be kept for memory. Do what helps you :) Sending you *BIG* hugs friend!

Elizabeth said...

Maybe keep one picture in that room and put the rest in the main parts of the house or in your bedroom. It took me a very long time to share Connor's stuff with my other boys and I still have a few things I don't share. It's perfectly normal to keep these things to yourself. You don't have to share. I hope all goes well with your home study. *hugs*

Britt said...

I personally do not think it's strange to have pictures of your baby girl out...even in a new kiddo's room. Pictures are art and there is no better subject than someone you love!!!

Chris said...

Hi, I am a friend of Lisa's and read your blog through hers... :o)
First off, I would agree with the first commenter's idea to have a special keepsake box for all your daughter's precious things.
And as for the photos, don't take them all down! Ella is part of your family, and would be any new child's big sister. She is just as much a part of the family as any other.
And best wishes with your adoption process!

Kelli with Love said...

I think you should leave at LEAST one photo up in the room. She is the reason you are wanting to help other babies/children! And that will always be HER room! Good luck with the homestudy next week!

Mary said...

Jen! I do NOT think you are being selfish keeping alot of the things that remind you of her! It is all you have, cling to it!

And if it makes you feel better, there are pictures of my daughter (both pre-death and when she is actually dead) ALL over my house. I want her to be a part of our family, for our kids to know her face and think of her as our missing member. And I want to see her face as much as possible. My live children have a physical presence in our house, I think she deserves one too!

Anonymous said...

I love family pictures and have them framed everywhere, some very visible and some tucked behind others, mostly due to space. Put them out and be proud, she is a member of your family. Just be tasteful in arrangements and it will be fine. I doubt that any of the little ones you will foster will pay any attention to them and the people coming for the home study will see how loving your family is. Loved seeing you today. Ann

Anonymous said...

I would keep one or two pictures in her room because it is her room and it will always have her footprint on it. I was thinking that it might be nice to think of her as the first baby in the room and then add pictures of the other baby girls who get to live in the room as they will all leave a footprint in the room and in your heart. Of course if it turns into someone's permanent room down the road you can deal with that when the time comes. But Ella is your inspiration for helping others and her picture should be there to talk about with the other girls and they can watch their own pictures be added to the wall to know that they belong there as well.

As for keeping her stuff, I think it is normal to keep your baby's stuff and it doesn't matter whether they are gone or not. A friend of mine has 4 boys who are all teenagers and approaching teenage years now and she has not 1, but several boxes of baby and toddler clothes. They all just have so many memories for her that she just can't stand to part with them. I haven't cleaned out my son's clothes yet, but I know I will feel the same. As long as you have the space, you keep what you want.

Tracie said...

I am just now finding your blog so please allow me to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I haven't read much, but I had to comment on the picture question. I lost my son, Justin, to prematurity when he was 3 days old. I wish, with all of my heart, that I had good pictures of him that I could put up around my home. I do have pictures, but he is naked in most of them with many, many tubes running from his tiny body. I'm not at all ashamed of those pictures (I ran back into a burning house to get them!) but I don't put them around the house because they are a bit graphic. So, I keep them in my bedroom.
MY opinion is, since you have your precious pictures, you should display them. Precious Ella was a part of your family and always will be!
(((hugs)))

Nan & Mike said...

I want to wish you the best on your home visit sweetie...I am so very proud of you for taking this step forward. And display and keep whatever you want, I keep many things out throughout the house. Hugs, Nan xxx

blessedmomto8 said...

Jen,

You are such a strong person and I read your Ellas story and it is heartbreaking.

I am adoped myself and adoptive mother to 6 children and 6 embryos and currently 28 weeks pregnant with one of our adopted embies. I would love to support you on your adoption journey!

Hugs,
Jen