8:45 am..May 19th, 2009

It was a Tuesday morning..8:45 am on May 19th, 2009.. a year ago I stood by my sweet girl and watched her take her last breath..my heart was beating so fast, I lost my breath and felt dizzy..was this actually happening..I wanted to press pause on my life..it was too much..everything ran through my head at one time..prayers for the lord to come back, to take me home, to bring her back to me.. I know God can do miracles, he's done it before..why not now? I stood in a daze and finally heard Erin say easily "she hasn't taken a breath in a while"..I touched her chest, put my hand by her face to feel a breath, and nothing..I honestly can say the next few minutes were black..I cannot remember what I said or did..I felt anger, and such heartache that I cannot even begin to describe, there are truly no words..I've lost loved ones before and this was more than any of these..it was so intense..I could feel my heart beat all through out my body, feel my blood rush, and kept reminding myself to breathe in..Each person came in as they bathed her and I stood at the foot of her bed watching..how did we get here? What did we do to deserve this? What do I do now? Who am I without my daughter? How in the world do we tell Cayden? A year has gone by, and I am not the same, I will never be the same..I will always think of my sweet girl that was so wanted and so loved and adored by all who ever saw the sweetest blue eyes and that smile that makes the strongest man just melt into a puddle..A year later I am a better mom, a better person, I realize how precious our time on Earth is..how in a second, all we have can vanish..My dear friend lisa messaged me on how we've been a year since she's been gone, but also a year closer to seeing her.. I love it..I love her.. I love all of my dear friends and family, who show me support, show me that no matter what happens, however long she is gone, that Ella is not far away from so many minds and hearts..

So in honor of Ella Bella's angelversary, Sue over at My forever child has graciously donated a 25 dollar gift certificate to one lucky winner.. I have mentioned that I think because of our loss that I am a better mother to Cayden, that I would have never gotten around to foster &/or adoption..3 ways to enter become a "new follower", find Ella's group on facebook (a butterflies dream button on sidebar) and leave a comment  here on how the loss of your child has positively changed you..if you have not personally lost a child, just let me know how reading this or any blog has changed you..

here are a few "Ella" things I have on my jewelery armoire, the little heart is from my best friend Erin, and the bracelet and butterfly necklace are both from my forever child.. aren't they adorable.. so be sure to enter..I will post the winner sometime Thursday..I cannot promise that I will be online much Wednesday..

I say it all of the time, but I really am so grateful for our friends and family that have supported us so much since last January when she first fell ill.. I realize that we are not the same fun people that we once were, but we are working on it..we are still working on our new normal.. I am also so thankful for all of my wonderful blog and FB friends..both BLM's and Mito moms *and the few others that are both* This is a truly a club I would have never chosen to join, but so glad for the lovely people who are unfortunately part of it too..You all inspire me to do better..to feel what I need to feel and not hide it..also to draw close to my God in my times of sorrow..thanks to you all..

what I wouldn't do to be able to touch her little hand one more time..