real...

I just read this post from Iris' mommy and it got me thinking about all of the types of different people I've met through facebook, blogs and just this land of lost parents trying to get through the storm of  child loss and the ones who support us and other blogs I just like to read..I don't always agree with everything I read, and I know everyone doesn't agree with me.. and I too write on this blog for me, for me to look back and see my life as its progressed. I am certainly appreciative of all of the people I've "met" through here, and appreciative of the people I know IRL that still read..I often use this as a way to communicate feelings that I am not comfortable sharing aloud.. She also listed some things about her, "this is me, like it or not" kinda thing.. and I am inspired..so here is me in a nutshell...and in no particular order..

I am a christian, Baptist at that. I believe Christ died for our sins so we do not have to get to heaven by works and good deeds. I think work and good deeds are rewarded in Heaven but not the ticket. I have faith that we will see Ella again on the other side of heaven and I feel pity for those who do not have that hope and faith. (PITY not judgement) ..Sometimes I cuss and laugh at inappropriate jokes and even make them.. I think its funny when people fall down steps..or are just clumsy in general..  My parents are still married after 30+ years and have stuck it out through rough times and that inspires me to stick it out through our rough times, it scares me to think of the odds of divorce after the loss of a child.. I am blessed with a kind and generous husband who lets me grieve in any way I need to..(3 hour nap in the middle of the day yesterday, because it was all too much) He didn't wake me to ask about dinner, or anything..He knew my burden was heavy and I needed to escape..I love him so much for small gestures like that and for the beautiful flowers he brought home just because  I was having a rough day. I realize everyone is not so fortunate, and sometimes its too much and the only logical solution is divorce and separation..I don't judge that though..if anything it makes me even more thankful for what I have.  I am very much pro life, I understand everyone has different situations, but for me.. I choose life..no matter what..If I would have known Ella were ill during my pregnancy I would have kept her.. As much as this pain stings daily, I can't imagine not having her for the time we did.. I think public healthcare is a bad idea, although I do believe our insurance companies and healthcare in general need reform.. I am conservative in most topics , but less in others. I.E gay marriage, I don't really care if you get married, be happy, no matter who its with..make it a life worth living.. My religion may tell me its wrong, but its not my call or my place to judge..
I will always vaccinate my children and will probably encourage you to do the same if brought up in passing..whether I know you or not.. I do eat meat, I do not garden myself, so I do buy the vegetables with all of the additives..I don't have a green thumb at all, but I think its great for those who do have the option. I think arguing over politics and religion is the absolute worst thing ever.. I HATE it when people do this..online and in person.  I don't believe yelling at your kids teaches them anything, although I do believe a swat here and there in appropriate, as long as its not done in anger or to hurt them.. I do not believe that others should swat or spank other peoples children...don't touch my kids..period.I do believe in saving money for a future for college, retirement, and for emergencies that may arise..But I don't think we should skip the joy we could have today..we are not promised tomorrow.. chances are, I am going to focus on today, especially when my children are young.  I don't care if you drink, as long as its not a dependency and as long as you don't drive and put us in danger.  I don't always dress up or put on make-up. My house is normally pretty clean seeing as how I clean when I am upset...I hate laundry and most of the time we have to dig the clean ones out of the basket, because I really hate hanging them up.. My mom helps me way more than she should..with Cayden, Ella, with my house ( I get super anxious if its dirty), and just keeps me company when I need a distraction.. sometimes I get cranky with her, but she loves me regardless, but if she is cranky with me it hurts my feelings to no end..its really ridiculous.. I love my in laws. My mother in law is one of my best friends. I can talk to her about anything, and most of the time she'll even take my side.. again ridiculous.. oh and I don't recycle.. I always have the best intentions, but never get around to it.I also am not organic..I just don't really know where to start or honestly care to at this point..I am not always a good mom.. One time when Ella was sick, cayden had a cough and I was with in half of a second of giving him her valium instead of delsym, and I laughed about it..he was a tad upset at me for a bit. I also let him have mcdonalds chicken nuggets and fries if he wants now and then.

so anyway..this is me in a large nutshell.. I don't really hide who I am, and will not ever do so.. its just me, I am also very aware that it takes all kinds in this world.even if you don't agree with me, its fine .I don't mind...I just thought today was as good of time as any to get real.. so there ya go..hopefully you continue to be my friend :)