so close, but soo far...

Last week we picked up a new little girl, 5 months old and absolutely darling. Her parents had some past issues with child welfare, lost their rights to 3 children and apparently had her under an alias name so they wouldn't take her too. Well they were found out after they apparently tried to kill eachother during a huge 'domestic dispute.'  They of course showed up to court without a lawyer, so they go back in October to most likely have their rights terminated. We were told right off the bat that it was very likely she would be up for adoption, several different times actually..The family did not step up for the other 3, so it was assumed they would not for her.. So I did it, I let my gaurd down and absolutely fell in love..The worker called me after her parents court and told me it would be continued later, but that she had some news. My heart sank and I knew.. she said an aunt came to court and is requesting gaurdianship..they are doing a home inspection and background check and will get back to me. I know its wrong, but I am praying she is denied. For my sake sure, because she already acts like one of us, but more for her sake..for her well being.. I feel like once again we were so close, and now are so far again...I know we are not going to keep every single child, but I really had a strong attachment and feeling that she was the one. Sweet Pea is doing beautifully with her Nana, and I talk to them every few days and we are even keeping her when they attend resource classes. I am not so naive to think that every time a child moves on that such a relationship will exist with the new caretaker. I can extend my information and willingness to help, but they do not have to accept. So for now we wait..I feel absolutely helpless. I've cried and been angry and all sorts of different emotions. The grief is different but kind of the same too..I look at her and pray she is still with us tomorrow night, much like I did Ella for so many nights..so afraid to sleep and wake up to find her gone..different but kind of the same. .

I have also had some other things on my mind lately, weighing heavy. It seems sometimes as though this storm is never going to pass. I asked my mom the other day if she thought we just weren't meant to be happy!?  Seems like we are so close and it all falls away. I am really trying to know and trust that one day we will be blessed. We have no idea what's in store for us, but we are ready for something good for once.  Cayden unfortunately is old enough now that it is sometimes hard to hide whats going on, he over hears conversation and will always put in his 2 cents. He is so very smart and very intuitive.. The other day when I picked him up after the worker called, he asked why I was crying. I told him I hadn't been (in an hour or so at least) and he simply stated "I don't know why you don't just tell me why" umm..when did you turn into an adult?? I just told him that I had a moment and was better now that I prayed for peace..'oh, about Ella then' and that was the end..yes, I guess in a way its about her..Its always about her..in some way, shape or form.. We've not told him about the baby possibly leaving yet, we don't want him to worry about it if it doesn't happen. He loves her already, he knows we can't keep all of them too, but he sure would like to.. ((sigh)) so would I...
   anyhow, sorry to be absent so long and then come back with a big ol' whine fest.. I promise to work on a positive and upbeat post very soon.. and to catch up on my blog reading/stalking, seems as though my pc is somewhat working again..**cross my fingers and toes!**

here is a little sneak peak of sweet girl, I have so many good pics I wish I could share.. maybe one day..((praying))