Joy 2.0

The truth is I have been seriously doubting if I would ever have joy again.. joy from with-in type of stuff, soul glowing through my eyes type of joy..I knew whether I had no more kids or a million that it would never be the same..not without her..
This weekend we went to the pumpkin patch and had a nice weekend with some great friends.. We laughed like we use to, like we meant it.. I had 2 kids with me again.. I saw Cayden with little miss, showing her all of the fun stuff, and there at the pumpkin patch it happened..it started as a little flicker..the I saw her with Jay, he was holding her, she was laughing and clapping all day. She loved being with us, she loved being with the other kids. I picked her up after she was 'getting me' and she grabbed my face and leaned her forhead to mine and met eyes and she smiled and then slimed me with a big kiss...my heart will always yearn for Ella, I will always imagine her with us. Our friends have a 2 year old girl and I could imagine her and Ella running around playing together. Truth is though, she is running around playing, she is not alone, she has all of her other friends that were taken too soon to keep her company..At the pumpkin patch though, the joy crept up and took over. Its not the same joy as it was 2 years ago, but a new adaptation of joy..joy 2.0?

This was an accidental pic, we were trying to get one of her face when being tossed up, I about deleted it and thought 'wait, that is kinda perfect'

She is not from us, her DNA is not the same as Caydens, mine or Jays. I don't know for sure if we will have her this time next year.  I don't know if we will have her 3 months from now. I hate it that others are stand-offish for her in fear that they will 'get attached' and then if they leave it will cause too much pain. Would I like to keep her forever, yes more than anything. Will it suck if her parents donors get her back, heck yes, we will fight like hell to keep her, don't doubt that..but the reason we decided to go this route of foster/adoption is because we needed to help those who needed us as much as we do them. She knows us as her family and she is ours..she needs love, she needs a family, she needs all of the things we have to give.. if these kids in foster care didn't need more than that, they'd stay in group homes, shelters and 'orphanages' She needs a mom, a dad and a brother. She needs grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins..I also keep thinking about these people that are reserving attachment for a later date, what if it takes years to know anything for sure? what if we get to keep her and they've missed out on so much because we aren't sure how long we get her.. Lets be real, even if she were to come from my body, there are no guarantees..I have a list of blogs of people who never imagined their children would not be with them.. If I were to have another baby, I can't imagine not attaching to them because they could be sick, or SIDS could happen, or accidents could happen. If that were the case, we'd never attach to anyone.. we'd be alone in our own spaces.. Could you imagine not having your attachements? your kids, your spouse, parents? I can't even fathom it. I love her like I am going to keep her forever, I am her mother and I would do no less for any other child... she needs me and I need her.. whether I end up hurt or not, I will never regret it..I don't regret falling desperately in love with Ella, and losing her about killed me.I'd do it over and over again if I needed to.. she is worth it, so worth it..same with little miss..totally and completely worth it..