Tuesday, August 11, 2009

sibling grief

This week, we are sharing about the effect our loss(es) had on our children. If you did not have children at the time of your loss, we are also sharing about subsequent pregnancies (after the loss). If you have not had a pregnancy following the loss, yet, you may share your feelings about facing your next pregnancy.

Obviously for us this is all very fresh.. We told Cayden in January that she was sick and we did not know how it was all going to turn out.. He cried and said that he was just going to pray for a miracle.. when we told him that she did have mito and that she was going to pass without God's intervention..again he cried and said he was going to pray more and ask his friends to pray too.. and he did.. his teacher said she was praying for her and so did several of his little friends... very sweet.. I would watch him with her and she would hold her hand, sing to her and now and then we would see a few tears.. he never gave up on her..

The day she passed he came in, he asked everyone leave except me and Jay.. he grabbed her hand and squeezed a little.. I told him that did not hurt, but it could still bruise her..He kissed her and played with her hair.. He did not cry much the following days..he too would be fine and it would just sneak up on him and he would lose it.. he was so strong, he did not want to go to the funeral and we told him he really needed to.. he could not watch the video and kept asking me if it was almost over.. he cried when he saw others cry.. but he has faith like a child, (because he is a child) One day we were talking about her and I started to cry.. he said he misses her, but is glad she is better now.. and that I should be too.. he knows he will see her again.. This did get him thinking alot about salvation..while we were in Target, he asked my best friend if she is saved, he has asked several people at random times..so I know he thinks about her alot... but he doesn't always seem sad.. to have that faith like him, and for it to be enough to know we will be reunited would be awesome.. but I still have some anger and pity and selfish moments, when its just not enough..

We did go and talk to Dr K about our options on the safest way to have another baby..Cayden asked what the appointment was for, so we told him and asked what he thought about that.. He said he wants another baby, but he can't handle if its sick.. he said he just doesn't want that to happen again.. He is very loving and sweet and always holds my hand or hugs me when he sees that I am upset.. we talked yesterday about the rain and how it sometimes makes you sad.. he said he misses her more when its rainy and doesn't know why.. I told him I was the same way too and I'm not sure why either.. anyway.. he is strong and strong in faith.. I thought about taking him to talk to someone, but he seems okay for now..


Amanda said...

maybe when it rains it just gives you even more of an opportunity to think about her since you can't get out as much.

Heather said...

What a strong little boy he is. I too wish that I had the faith that kids have. It is like death is sad to them but they know one day they will see their loved ones. I think greif is much harder on an adult than it is on a child.

Anonymous said...

Jen, My name is Kelli and I am a counseling student who reads your blog often. I just wanted to say one little thing, just food for thought. I know that Cayden is doing really well and has such a strong sense of understanding about what happened, I am positive about that (you mention often how the lines of communication are open about Ellas passing)! However, you say that he is comforting you sometimes and still gets upset occasionally (which is totally normal). Maybe talking to a children's counselor would allow him to share things that maybe he is not allowing himself to out of concern for you and your husband and other's who are saddened. If he could talk to someone who is not directly affectd by Ella's passing, he might feel more at ease to just share and work through his own grief without any worry of upsetting someone or making them feel sad too. Like I said just food for thought, you are his mother and you know best for him but I think your first instinct to take him to see if maybe it comforts him would not be a bad idea. I have just learned in many of my classes that children tend to avoid their own grief out of concern for those who are upset around them. He seems like such a sweet kid and I could see how him being so worried about Mom might make him push away his own feelings and not allow himself to grieve as much as he should. I wish your family nothing but the best!

Stephanie said...

What an amazing little boy you have! He's fabulous!!!!!