Monday, August 31, 2009

Are you talking to me??

One of my dear friends was so kind and sent me 4 tickets the Beth Moore simulcast this past weekend. Erin, Mandi and Keyla and myself went. It was so awesome.. It was as though she knew everything I have been dealing with.. she must have read my blog..she had to know somehow..Beth..are you out there?? =) Anyway..Erin asked me Saturday if sometimes I randomly felt like crying, even when it wasn't sad.. and I said yes.. always..even at our church, not even any "special" time.. I think when you are trying to process just how big our God is, it just is inconceivable and makes me swell with emotion.. She said several things that 'got to me' but one thing that stuck me straight through my heart was when she was talking about "what's taking a bite out of my delight" She spoke about delighting in the Lord.. about not being given our true desires of our hearts, unless are are delighting in the Lord.
: a high degree of gratification : joy; also : extreme satisfaction
2 : something that gives great pleasure
I love the Lord, don't get me wrong, but satisfied with him..**gulp** I can't say I am.. what is keeping me from this? my JAW is taking the bite..she explained it like this..

J~ jealousy..check. I am jealous everytime I look around and see these losers with babies..not just one, several unkept, unhappy skeezy parent with a beautiful child..its not fair..and yes I am totally and completely jealous..

A~ anger.. this doesn't begin to describe it.. so beyond anger.. you know when you are so mad you just can't do anything but cry.. thats me..not mad at God, mad at the above mentioned skank-wads, anger at the situation in angry there is nothing to do for these precious babies.. HOW is there not a cure or treatment? How is there no government funding??! 1 in 10 children will somehow be effected by mito in thier lifetime!! 1 out of 10 people! becoming more common than childhood cancers.. so yes..anger.. that would be me.
W~ worry..ugh..if you know me, I have always been a worry-wart.. my 9 year old has been in a bubble since the day he was though, zoom in like a 100%.. I worry when I take him to school, what if he catches something..what if he has an asthma attack? what if something awful happens to him.. I can't handle it.. I worry about future child/ren.. what if it/they are sick too? what if I can't get pregnant? it took 4 years with Ella.. I worry about money, my hubby, my parents and grandparents.. name it.. I worry about it..
All of the things mentioned above are things I am now working on.. I have so many desires, but my main one right now is peace of heart/mind/soul.. as well as another baby.. not now, but eventually, when we are ready..

Psalms 37:4
Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
I had such a great time and have such great friends! All are invited to attend Deeper still with us on Dec 4th &5th, 2009 in OKC.. This is going to be Beth Moore speaking as well as 2 other great inspirational speakers. Let me know if you are interested in coming..Thanks Amanda for sending us..we missed you there!
Oh I have no pics from the event to share..I fail, didn't even think about it.. loser..


Annie said...

Jenny- praying for you, Jay, and your precious son to have the desires of your heart. I don't tell you often enough, but I think of you and your sweet family all the time and pray for comfort and peace.

Annie said...

Jen, You don't know me and I don't know you, but I love you and your family. I've been praying for you all since I came across your story through a friend back in April. I'm still praying for you. I live in Collinsville too and just wanted to say hello...

Anonymous said...

Sweetie, thank you for inviting me. I too have been thinking about Beth's message from God. During her message on Saturday I knew that God had given her a word for me. Something too, that I have been praying for and was on the verge of giving up hope. However, when she said "don't give up hope!" I knew He intended that word for me. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that God will grant you the desires and longings of your heart. I love you, my sweet friend, and I am here to travel this journey with you.

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he WILL give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Count me in for OKC! I wouldn't miss it for the world. :)


Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you enjoyed the simulcast. I was praying for you so much that Friday & Saturday. Your feelings are normal but that doesn't make it easier to deal w/. I love you and will continue to pray for mental and emotional healing.

Anonymous said...

that last entry was from Amanda Smith :)