Thursday, December 17, 2009

"I don't know how you do it."

I hear/read this often "I don't know how you do it" I would be a mess, you would have to lock me up etc etc.. first off...nobody asked us, we didn't voluntarily give up our baby.. second..define "it"..what exactly is it that we are doing? Barely getting by? Having to force ourselves out of bed, because as much as we would LOVE for the world to stop, it doesnt.. it keeps going round and round, despite our broken hearts..despite our fears, our grief, our loss.. Is it the fact that we paste on smiles and act as though we are doing well, while we both know that inside we are dying to crawl back into bed and cry.. pass through December, pass through Christmas, pass through the pain of watching C open his presents while our daughter is not here.. Is it that after she had just passed, that I would pray that every headache was an anuerysm about to bust, so that I too could die.. to go to be with her?? Is it the not knowing what to say when my 9 year old asks if his sisters body is decomposing? no words, so I put off the conversation, and cry because I don't know how or what to say..He thinks about it..about awful things that 9 year old kids should never ever have to deal with.. so I guess he is doing "it" too, right??what is IT that I am doing? That my husband and son are doing..because honestly..we don't want to do it anymore.. we want to be happy again.. we want to be complete again..no body asked us, and quite frankly, it just pisses us off that we are in the position that we have no choice... but to wake up every day and do "it"...day after day after day..

11 comments:

Franchesca Cox said...

I hate every second of "it" too. I don't understand that statement either.

xo

Missing Kasey said...

Very well put. It sucks... ((hugs))

Nicolle

Rachel said...

I hear the same thing all the time "how do you do it? you are so strong" NOT REALLY. What choice were we given, BUT to go through it. I am not doing anything, but as you said, trying to live life the only way I know how. Slap on that smile :)

Akul's mama said...

We have to do "it", don't we? As painful as "it" is, as much as "it" has changed our view of life- we do "it" - we breathe, walk, talk, eat, sleep and even smile - we run to our blog world of lost baby moms and we feel very empty inside - but they are all right. We do "IT."

Krista said...

Perfectly said. I hate doing "it" too.

Once A Mother said...

so well said...

Karen said...

Well said. I've had people say that to me and I've reacted the same. What choice do we have? My oldest boy is nine and has likewise asked some really difficult questions. My five-year-old boy has a death fixation right now and needs to hear the details over and over and over about his baby brother's stillbirth. Such agonies. Thinking of you. xo

Kelli with Love said...

Very sorry that you're doing your "it" everyday. And I know it's not the same, but people tell me that to about my cancer...and I feel the same way you do. I didn't ask for it, want it, nor did I get some magical super power that gets me out of bed every day to deal with it. Don't we wish? Love and hugs to you.

shan said...

Doing "it" too and hating "it" just as much. Also hating that you are expected to be completely falling apart and non-functional or fine... there is no middle road that's understood. Just because I'm functioning doesn't mean I want to be, I just have no other choice...
Thanks for sharing.

Holly said...

Yeah, we never asked for any of this. We don't want to do it but life does not stop for us and our grief. We have to move forward whether we like it or not.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully written. 'IT' haunts me everyday as well. I miss my beautiful baby girl too - I wish I had a shoulder to cry on.