Saturday, December 26, 2009

As far as I know...

We made it through and no one mentioned Ella's name, except Jay.. our brother and SIL and his 2 boys did not make it to Jay's moms Christmas morning due to weather and something was said about being 4 people short, Jay said "no, 5 people short" and that was it.. no one said anything else.. to my knowledge anyway.. I talked to my mom a little about it and I know it's hard to know what to say, no one wants to make us upset..I get it..and actually going into it, I thought it would be better if no one said anything, but man..it stung..watching the kids play(again) and remembering last Christmas telling Ella how "next year will be more fun for you".. I had no clue what this would mean now.. she did have more fun this year..she danced at our Saviors feet on his birthday.. I honestly believe this..I believe the scripture, that we will be raised up and meet him and Ella in the air one day.. I believe that God gives us what we need, when we need it.. right now though, it doesnt help..it doesnt sting any less.. and for the life of me I cannot figure out why in the world its just plain not enough..the lack of her name makes me feel like she is already forgotten, and to hear her name sometimes breaks my heart.. where is the happy medium? Where is the peace and comfort? we are 7 months without her, and it is a little easier.. I have less of the moments of panic/anxiety/loss.. I fear the day when she will be gone longer than she was with us..crazy right, because any time without her is too much, but that 8 month and the 30th day.. its so scary..

Anyway..we made it through Christmas..Cayden got some good stuff and so did we.. I have no pics or videos.. and feel just awful about it, but we just could not get into it this year.. the tree and all of the decorations are down and we are back to normal... as normal as it gets around here anyway..

5 comments:

Bree said...

We were on strike this Christmas- stayed home in our pjs and went to dinner by ourselves in the evening. I just couldn't tolerate a repeat of Thanksgiving. It doesn't matter how many times I ask for people to say her name, they don't. It is so hurtful. I am so sorry people didn't speak Ella's name yesterday. I thought about her. I thought about all of the sweet babies Ive met here and pictured them playing with Ella. Hugs, Jen!

danielle said...

Tell your family that you want them to bring Ella up in conversation. Maybe they need to hear it from you to know that it's ok. I'm sure they don't want to upset you. But, I know what you mean about feeling like no one except for you remembers her. Just know that you are right in believing you will meet her again one day!

Sherrie said...

God bless your family and Ella in heaven. I am keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

Franchesca Cox said...

I wish I could hug you! I am so sorry. I get it, my mom doesn't bring Jenna up much at all. She is so afraid of hurting me more than I already am. I have even told her point blank that i WANT her to talk about Jenna and explained all the reasons that you have mentioned. Some people just can't or won't. I am so soo sorry no one besides your son mentioned her. That is extra sweet that he remembers her like this though, what a wonderful loving brother. This grief is confusing and frustrating for everyone. Praying for your peace and strength. Sending you lots of love!

XOXO

Holly said...

I'm sorry no one mentioned Ella except Jay. I don't know anyone who has lost a child who doesn't want that but it's like people are afraid to talk about them. Don't people still talk about other family members who have passed?