I am not sure if it is because of the holidays, the stress of going through the motions without her, the memories of posing her in front of the tree, knowing that at the end of this month, 1 year ago, is when our hell started....but I regress into my sadness...into the black hole of grief that once consumed me..
I am not sure if it is because of recent news of everyone and their dog are now expecting.. I don't know if I am feeling bad for not being happy for them, or if I am jealous that they just get to have a baby and not worrying about it being gone before its first birthday, or if it is because they assume that THIS can't happen to them?? I don't know if its because no one wants to share the news that they are expecting because they are afraid of upsetting me..they are afraid I will go to bed and cry myself to sleep, awaken through the night crying of jealousy, jealousy that they get to keep their baby and I am just stuck missing her.. I can't get up and go hold her, kiss her.. comfort her when she cries...again, I regress...back into my hole...at least for now..until I have to get out and fake a smile, fake that my heart is not broken..fake that watching Cayden without his sister does not burn a hole through my heart..I will pray for that peace, pray that I don't bust out in tears every time something reminds me of her.. pray for patience of others to be gentle and know that although they may not still be grieving her, we are..