Friday, December 4, 2009

regressing....

I am not sure if it is because of the holidays, the stress of going through the motions without her, the memories of posing her in front of the tree, knowing that at the end of this month, 1 year ago, is when our hell started....but I regress into my sadness...into the black hole of grief that once consumed me..

I am not sure if it is because of recent news of everyone and their dog are now expecting.. I don't know if I am feeling bad for not being happy for them, or if I am jealous that they just get to have a baby and not worrying about it being gone before its first birthday, or if it is because they assume that THIS can't happen to them?? I don't know if its because no one wants to share the news that they are expecting because they are afraid of upsetting me..they are afraid I will go to bed and cry myself to sleep, awaken through the night crying of jealousy, jealousy that they get to keep their baby and I am just stuck missing her.. I can't get up and go hold her, kiss her.. comfort her when she cries...again, I regress...back into my hole...at least for now..until I have to get out and fake a smile, fake that my heart is not broken..fake that watching Cayden without his sister does not burn a hole through my heart..I will pray for that peace, pray that I don't bust out in tears every time something reminds me of her.. pray for patience of others to be gentle and know that although they may not still be grieving her, we are..


15 comments:

Lea said...

Oh Jen... she is so stunningly beautiful! And that Christmas dress... I'm glad you have those pictures and those memories, but it must be so damn hard.

Remembering with you...xo

Bree said...

What a beautiful picture of Ella, Jen. I am so sorry that she's not here to create more memories this year.

I know I am pregnant, but still feel the same way when I hear these types of announcements in my real life. I still have many doubts that my pregnancy will lead to a living baby. So, when I hear of new pregnancies, I immediately think, "I bet there baby won't die," or "I bet they never have to worry about losing their baby." Or, I feel they don't deserve it enough. It is so hard. I get it. I hope it is okay that I am reading your blog and commenting.

Thinking of you!

Franchesca Cox said...

Your daughter is adorable and so precious! I am sorry you are in that hole, I really am praying for you. There really is hope, even though right now it may seem unreachable. I have missed hearing from you, I love reading about your precious Ella. I hope that those around you have patience and give you all the time you need. Like Bree said, being pregnant after loss has its own share of weird grief. Suddenly everyone wants to talk to you, since you have a baby on the way. What they don't know is that every day you fear it will be your last together.

Thinking about you and your precious Ella.

XOXO

Jen said...

oh bree~ I know you understand, and I love that you comment.. I know one day we will have another.. its hard right now, I am so glad for your rainbow baby, you deserve it.. after I typed the post I kinda regretted it, feared that it would sound as though I were angry, but I am not at all..I dunno..I guess I envy the people that don't have to worry about their pregnancies being completed, and that once its completed, all is well and the baby will be fine.. just assume everything turns into a happy ending..we both know things happen to people that least expect it..Just a pity party for me I guess..

Krista said...

Ella is absolutely beautiful. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I can't imagine getting to hold your baby, hear her laugh, giggle, smile, cry, then have all of that ripped from you. I hate also going through these motions, the fake smiles and laughs, congratulating parents to be through clenched teeth. Life can be so unfair at times. I think about you, and you're in my prayers.

A Dragonfly's Embrace said...

Jen, Don't ever regret what you post. Those are thoughts and feelings you need to get out, left inside they will rot and consume you. Remember there are many, many of us who have similar emotions. How was I supposed to be happy for my brother when his daughter was born 1 month after our gift was taken from us? Why should I smile and be happy for the teenage mother that doesn't realize the precious gift she's been given... and probably never will. When clients tell me "Happy Holidays" as they leave all it does is make me sad... well I smile and say "You Too!" and then cry when I get home... It's normal, You're normal, I'm normal. I like to think of the this pain as a good thing, it reminds me how much our babies mean/meant to us. If I didn't hurt, then there'd be something wrong.
Peace,
Ben

margaret said...

She's gorgeous. Simply gorgeous. I feel your pain, it is hard having had your baby die after holding them, loving them, looking into their eyes. It's a disaster. But somehow, most of us manage to make it through, whether it's because of the hope a new rainbow baby brings or because of the love, understanding and support given by another babylost mother. Its the worst thing in the world, and I'm so sorry your Ella passed away. Hugging you

Kristy said...

Ella is just breautiful.

I walk the same path as you every day. I am angry, sad, bitter, frustrated, and regressing just like you. Maybe its the holidays, maybe its the air, maybe its just part of the journey.

I try and be supportive to others who are expecting, and for some I truly am very excited for them. Am I jealous? Sure. But only because I so desperately want my babies and I so desperately want my innocence back. I want what they have because they are care free, and think the world will do no wrong. I don't feel that way, and sadly I don't think I ever will again. :(

Walking with you...*hugs*

Missing Kasey said...

Ella is beautiful I too have those feelings. I wonder if their babies will make it, will mine? I get jealous that they go home with their kids... Remembering her with you.

Kelli with Love said...

Jen, I am so sorry this time of year is so hard for you. It was all I could do to keep from crying through this post. I am so glad you are honest in your posts. And I love the picture of Ella. She is absolutely amazingly beautiful.

Just Breathe said...

That picture is so precious. She is so beautiful. I believe that the holidays are a time of reflection for everyone. How can you not be hurting now. Each day is difficult when living with the loss of a child. It must be so hard to watch as your son is missing her too. Your burden is so heavy, your sorrow is deep within your sole. I am so sorry that you have to live with such pain. I want you to know that I care and I pray for your comfort during this holiday season. ((HUGS))

klarsen said...

Jen,

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I read your post with tears in my eyes for your pain. I'm sorry. There are no other words than I am sorry. She is a beautiful, precious, sweet little angel.

Hugs,
Katy

lost--for--words said...

This grief is like riding a wave... Sometimes we are able to sail through a period of time smoothly, and then all of a sudden we are flung back into the dark, stormy waters of despair, drowning and gasping for breath and something to hold onto. I know this past while has been particularily hard for me again after a little bit of 'calm before the storm,' with the realization of Christmas coming and all the celebration that comes along with it. It is a magical holiday for children, and knowing that one of mine will never experience it is incredibly depressing.

Holly said...

Ella's sweet face brings a smile to mine. I know those jealous feelings. There are many around me with babies and that are pregnant and it's something I long for, both a new pregnancy and for my daughter.

Akul's mama said...

Ella is so beautiful and so innocent and pure. Holding her and loving her and then letting her go must be so very very hard. Hugsssssss.