hard....

A little over 6 months and this is hard.. Thanksgiving day we went to my aunts house, Cayden said the blessing (I was so proud of him!) and I sat in the dining room most of the time and watched the children sliding up and down the stairs, laughing and having so much fun.. I imagined Ella being in the mix of it all, bossing them all around, like the little diva she was.. :) My cousin has a little girl that is about 6 months older than Ella, and she was dressed in a tutu, looking adorable and so fun.. my heart beats and feels like its about to explode every time I see her... Ella and her would have been great friends.. I miss who she was, but who she would be at this age..15 months, and so funny..

For Christmas we drew names and we put Ella's name in and whoever drew her name is to buy for an angel off of the Childrens hospital angel tree.. My mom, MIL, and some others are going to do this too.. it makes me feel like she is still involved.. We are getting ready to clean and put up the tree, but I find myself procrastinating.. I know, just as I did on her birthday, and thanksgiving, that I am going to wake up on Christmas day without my daughter.. every day, as crazy as it seems, I pray this is all a bad dream and I will wake up to a new reality.. a reality with my son and my daughter.. but that is not real, and I will have to pray for peace to cover us, as we go to the dinners and parties and celebrations..one person short.. I will paste a smile on and act as though all is right with the world...but we'll know its not.. there is nothing at all right about a world where mothers and fathers are celebrating holidays without their children.. k.. I didn't mean for this to go into that direction, but it did, so I will end here and stop procrastinating and put up the tree..

in a weird place..

Lately I find myself in a weird place.. I am past the anger and the absolute worst kind of sadness I could have ever imagined..(mostly) and I am numb again.. I dread the holidays, but not to the point of overwhelming anxiety.. I can't say I am to acceptance, but I am coping I guess.. I think about her 24/7 and still have my moments.. and I just don't get it.. I am going to confess that I am a twilight junkie.. love it..read all 4 books several times.. and watched the new movie 2 times in as many days..anyhow, I say that to say this.. there is a part when Bella is talking about Edward being gone and she talks about appreciating the pain, because it reminds her that he was real.. when she said that, I thought.. that is how I feel exactly.. I appreciate the fact that I miss her so much, and occasionally its too much.. she was here, she had an impact on me, and her daddy and brother, and so many more people.. My fear is that she will be forgotten...by others, by family, by everyone.. do they feel pain when they think about her too? have they forgotten her laugh? her smile? her griping? I can't imagine Jay and I ever losing those memories, but what about everyone else? Do you? Do you think about her? Do you miss her? Her name is being spoken less and less..it kills me.. I don't want to be that crazy girl who talks about her dead baby all of the time, but I don't want to be that girl who is scared to say her childs name either..Please don't offer "maybe you need to talk to someone advice" I am aware.. thank you.. anyone else..please feel free to chime in.. other moms, dads, anyone..in real life or blog world.. I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts.. if you knew her, do you think about her? if not, and you've lost your child, do you think about this stuff? how do you cope?



that's the sleepy smile I miss.. you remember it?

friends..

I am so thankful for the few remaining friends that I have..

Erin~who has been there with me 100% on this journey..she is my best friend, and my confidant.. she is my crying partner, and the best girl I could ever ask for. We skipped school together in high school, worked at the same daycare and wreaked havoc on our co-workers and is just more than I could ask for. She was there when Ella was born and there when Ella passed..during the night before Ella passed she had stayed with me at the hospital so Jay could come get the things we needed and bring Cayden back up the next morning.. she took care of Cayden after he got there, she took him for a walk outside and just loved on him until we could collect ourselves..She also let him stay with them while we were inpatient the several times before.. Cayden loves her, tony and Elizabeth as they were blood, and so do Jay and I..we are so thankful for Erin and Elizabeth and so thankful Tony now completes their family and make them so happy..its an answered prayer..

Amanda My childhood and still best friend! We started hanging out when we were about 12, she has been a constant in my life..she is the friend to look me in the face and tell me "you are wrong" she is so honest with me. I remember when we were early teens and went out to mexican and I ordered a burger and fries.. she tried to talk me into a burrito or just to try something different, and I refused..she made fun of me for this for years after.. and now mexican is my favorite!!(ironic) we laughed our teenage years away while talking to boys down the street..We got lost in Tulsa after she first got her drivers license..went to church together, and have been through so much.. she moved to California after her mom passed about 7 years ago.. we've been through the loss of a very good friend in high school, her mom (whom I loved so much and was my 2nd mom for as long as I could remember) shortly after high school and the loss of Ella.. She called me about a week before Ella passed and I remember just crying with her on the other side of the phone "she's not well, she is tired..I don't think we'll have her much longer" and though she was in california, I could feel her with me.. we have had our ups and downs, but she is my constant..she is my sister.

my cousin Amanda she is my cousin/sister, boogie nights watching(thanks to Reuben) , dr. Pepper searching, laughing til we cry and sleeping all day cousin/sister..her mom and my mom became best friend in jr high.. her mom then married her dad. (my uncle) She was an only child and all of my best childhood memories include her. We were not just cousins, but best friends all of her life.. I am so incredibly protective of her and miss her so much when we arent together.. We lived in California for a little while when I was in 3rd grade and I remember crying and telling my mom that I would die without Amanda..yes..die.. I was a little dramatic.. our reunion was a reunion of the ages..:) She has been all over the map with her schooling and I am so proud of her. Cayden has always loved her and clicked like a piece of a puzzle with her.. she doesn't even mind his constant chattering. Ella loved her, but was confused by her.. I don't know if she saw a resemblance in us or what, but she always stared at her with a puzzled look. I am so thankful for Amanda and her mom, Becky (whom I have discussed in passing before) I am thankful for the fun, laughs and everything else amanda brings to the table..


I have some more I may come in and add to here in just a bit, but I better get back to work for now.. so Keyla, Mandi and my SIL Jessica.. I am thankful for you ladies too.. for the love and support, and being there for me this past year.. hugs to you all!




Friendship Quotes

six months...

six months of missing you..
six months of thinking of you every moment..
six months since I've heard your sweet voice..
six months since I touched your soft face..
six months since I kissed you..
six months since I held you hand..
six months since I played with your beautiful hair..
six months since you flew away..
six months since we left the hospital without you..
six months of feeling completely broken..

six months seems like an eternity and six months seems like just a moment..all at once..
either way I think of it, six months is too long without you...

To the people of pampers...

Thank you for the cutesy postcard and coupons, but to answer your question, No..my toddlers leaky diapers are not causing me pain.. The fact that I have no toddler to even put diapers on is the source of my pain.

thank you for your concern.

Thankful for the sweet boy who supplied me
with all of the leaky diapers that
I could handle years ago.. I love you Cayden
and am so thankful for the great blessing that you are and
have always been!

thankful part 1

The upcoming holidays have me in knots, but I have decided that instead of giving into the funk, that each post is going to be about or at least include 1 thing that I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.. feel free to play along if you want.. here is my first..

I am so thankful for blogger friends like Holly for sending me this unexpected gift..it means alot to me, and it made me smile when I got it yesterday.. on a day I was having a hard time to even fake a smile..

October Secret Garden

This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

We have been without our daughter for almost 6 months.. Nov 19th will be 6 months exactly.. I differ in my grief..some days are fine, I feel good, confident even..knowing that she got to skip this earth.. she will never know loss, pain, disappointment..all she knew was joy and love..and some days that is enough..Some days its not..some days I feel like I could just bury myself in all of my guilt, grief, sadness and resentment..as the holidays approach I feel myself in this funk..I just can't shake it.. I paste a smile on when I need to and pretend my heart isn't breaking more and more every second..with every breath I take, its a cruel reminder that she isn't taking one.. I hope to find peace in the future..peace of mind and heart, not just on some days, but on all days.. I want to talk about her and smile and remember her and feel joy...now just about every time I talk about her, the tears just flow...

I know I am not alone in this journey..it is so much more than I would have ever imagined.. its everywhere..children.die....I have a few friends and family that have weathered the storm with us, new blogger friends that always encourage me.. but more than that.. I have a God that is bigger than us all, yet he still weeps with me.. despite the anger towards him, resentment that my baby was stolen from my arms.. I still love him and he still loves me..I know his plan/will wasn't to make us suffer on Earth without her, He will get us through this..I don't know when he will cover us with peace..right now is our time to grieve, and as soon as we are ready..he will give us the peace and comfort we need.. he is here and watching over me forever...

Ella in the stars...

My cousin Charity has a little boy that was born about 6 months before Ella..they were fast friends and she loved him and would "talk" to him all of the time.. and vice-versa..he would bring her toys and just be so soft and kiss her.. after she passed he would see me and say "where Elda?" and I would just tell him she was in heaven.. he was barely over a year old when she passed..and one night Charity and my mom were outside and Joey was blowing kisses to the sky..they asked who he was sending kisses to and he said "Elda..kiss Elda" (Elda is Ella in baby talk) and they said where is Ella? he said "stars" No one had ever talked to him about this, obviously since he was only a very young toddler.. he just knew..he still kisses the sky and kisses her pictures when he see's them.. he is so sweet and I just know she is sending kisses back to her sweet cousin.. this gives me goose bumps and sometimes makes me tear up when I think about it, especially when I talk about it.. He feels her presence.. I just love him so much...

I took some pics of the Joey today..here's a couple of the cutie.. He will be 2 in March, but is so stinking smart..he talks better than most his age..just love him.. :) I guess his momma isn't so bad either ;)

urgent request--

Please pray for sweet Gavin's family today and this weekend.. what an awful AWFUL disease..I hate what this family is going through..

***Saturday morning~ I just checked his blog and he is still physically just not letting go yet.. I can't imagine what they are all feeling..please lift them up and pray for Gavin to let his father take him home in peace..

Christmas card request for a sick little boy..

Hi All!
I just learned about a 5 year old boy named Noah Biorkman who is in the last stages of a 2 year battle with Neuroblastoma Cancer. His family is celebrating Christmas next week and Noahs request is to get lots of Christmas cards.
Please let's make this little warrior's wish come true.

Send cards to:
Noah Biorkman
1141 Fountain View Circle
South Lyon, Mi 48178
Lets see how many cards
we can get together for this brave little boy.
Thank You and God Bless.

Please also consider posting this very urgent message to your blogs.

here is Noah's carepage..sign in and leave a message..it looks like they have already celebrated, but lets keep it going!!keep ob sending them!

please pray

Please pray for sweet Gavin's family today and this weekend.. what an awful AWFUL disease..I hate what this family is going through..

where we are right now..

Yesterday we went to the fertility specialist and had our "getting to know you" appointment.. He is a super nice guy..He is friends with Jay's uncle and is familiar with everything that has gone on.. we discussed our options..and here they are..

In-vitro with embryonic studies..just like IVF, except they send in the embryos and they are tested for the depletion and they will only implant the healthy ones..

artificial insimination and fertilization drugs .. Jay and I are both carriers and so each time we were to get pregnant there is a 25% chance of repeating the past year.. but BOTH parents have to be carriers..if we were to go to a bank or somewhere else for the "men's addition" the chances are very slim that they would be a carrier and would hopefully result in a healthy child..

I did tell him that we tried for several years to even get pregnant with Ella, despite clomid and other natural methods.. He then told me that I had probably gotten pregnant several times, and just miscarried without knowing it.. that often the embryos that have a genetic disposition will abort themselves early on.. broke.my.heart...if it were possible to break anymore..it happened.. I got in the car and just cried..I hate my body for making my daughter sick, I hate it for having this genetic "glitch"... I felt sad and sick all day..

Adoption.. we have not ruled this out completely.. I am confident that I could love another as my own.. it is a lengthy *yet worth while* process..and I love the idea of giving a child love and happiness that otherwise may not have a chance at it..

As of right now, we are pretty sure we know what we are going to do, but are still praying about it and trying to figure out what is right for us.. I know whatever we decide will have its own critics, I am not asking for opinions.. just prayers for the Lord to lead us in the direction that is right for our family and for us as we continue to grieve and are learning to cope with our new normal..

what I have learned from Ella

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
~ I never thought I could "make it through" the loss of a child..I never imagined having to actually do either..

I've learned that learning to forgive takes a lot of practice and time.

I've learned that friends can become strangers, and strangers can become friends.

I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for the lack of compassion.
~this is so true, I HATE it when people say, well they don't know what to say or they don't want to upset you..A..there in no right thing to say, maybe print this out and give to them and B.. we are already upset..we buried our daughter..what could you possibly say to make it any worse? just be there..don't worry about what to say.. let us know you care..thats enough..

I've learned that some people will never, ever - "get it".

I've learned that the community of sorrow is the strongest of all.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
*sigh..this is one of the hardest things I deal with..

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes.
Feb 2nd, 2009... a five minute phone call forever changed our lives..

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.
8 months and 29 days with her, and we love her just as much as Cayden and/or any other future children..she is with us forever, even though she is not "with us" here..
I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words. But so is love.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I just came across this and thought I would share.. i edited a few thing and took out a few since they did not apply to me, but for the most part its the same..

Ella on my mind..

Ella is everywhere :)
~~Most baby lost mom's love to see their babies names written.. its just more proof they were here and proof about other people acknowledging their existence.. and I am no exception. I love to see her name.. I write it all over everything.. :)
Thanks so much to those who sent me her name and for thinking of us.. if you want to send me a pic email to Jennygrl1026@yahoo.com and I will post here..

Jill took these beautiful pics for me, check out the rest over at her page Vermont angels
they are all so gorgeous..she does a great job :)

thanks to Lisa and Jonathan at Waterfall Angels..these are beautiful~

One of my favorite places on Earth to go, especially when I am feeling down, is Kirklands.. I love LOVE it..I don't even always have to buy anything..though I normally do.. it just calms me..its hard to explain..anyhow.. I was there this last week and saw these letters mixed together and had to spell her name out.. Ella was a great shopper when she was healthy..so good and would just take everything in..she would have loved Kirklands too I think..

 Jen at the blue sparrow made this-Thanks so much! XO

 Tiffany at Names on the sidewalk did this one.. such a cute idea!

Thank you so much Michelle for thinking of us this Easter.. I love it..

Thanks Laura

Thanks so much Jaime!

Sent by Carly from Perth Australia

From Lea

From Fran

sent by Holly..

From Bree..
thank you Lana!

Here she is in Canada! Thank you Lisa


Thank you Heidi and sweet Jack!

Thank you Jennifer for thinking of us this Valentines day!