Saturday, November 28, 2009

hard....

A little over 6 months and this is hard.. Thanksgiving day we went to my aunts house, Cayden said the blessing (I was so proud of him!) and I sat in the dining room most of the time and watched the children sliding up and down the stairs, laughing and having so much fun.. I imagined Ella being in the mix of it all, bossing them all around, like the little diva she was.. :) My cousin has a little girl that is about 6 months older than Ella, and she was dressed in a tutu, looking adorable and so fun.. my heart beats and feels like its about to explode every time I see her... Ella and her would have been great friends.. I miss who she was, but who she would be at this age..15 months, and so funny..

For Christmas we drew names and we put Ella's name in and whoever drew her name is to buy for an angel off of the Childrens hospital angel tree.. My mom, MIL, and some others are going to do this too.. it makes me feel like she is still involved.. We are getting ready to clean and put up the tree, but I find myself procrastinating.. I know, just as I did on her birthday, and thanksgiving, that I am going to wake up on Christmas day without my daughter.. every day, as crazy as it seems, I pray this is all a bad dream and I will wake up to a new reality.. a reality with my son and my daughter.. but that is not real, and I will have to pray for peace to cover us, as we go to the dinners and parties and celebrations..one person short.. I will paste a smile on and act as though all is right with the world...but we'll know its not.. there is nothing at all right about a world where mothers and fathers are celebrating holidays without their children.. k.. I didn't mean for this to go into that direction, but it did, so I will end here and stop procrastinating and put up the tree..

16 comments:

Lisa said...

I'm going through all those thoughts, too :( Hugs to you and hope you enjoy putting up the tree! Do you have a special ornament for Ella?

Jen said...

I have a few that I got last year and one that my MIL got me this year.. :)

Kelli with Love said...

What a wonderful idea to put her name in for the Angel tree. That is so thoughtful and such a great idea to keep her memory fresh and alive!

Malory said...

I too have been procrastinating. We usually put the Christmas decor up the Saturday after Thanksgiving every year. I asked my husband today who replied. "I'm tired, let's do it next weekend." Normally that would of sent me into a "You always put things off..blah blah..this is our tradition...blah blah.. This year my reply was "ok". I don't believe that one type of loss is greater than another but I also cannot imagine having as much time you had with her & then having her taken from you. I think about your family alot. It could be that you have a son named Cayden & I have a son named Jayden & they both lost their little sisters...I see Cayden's pic in my mind from your page & see his sadness as I sometimes see in my son. I know our little girls will look down on us & want us to give their big bros a wonderful Christmas. And we will. We will paint on smiles & laughter & fun & excitement & we will give our boys their magic Christmas. We will be wilting inside but our baby girls will send us their love to get through. How do I know this? Because how else have we made it this far?

Akul's mama said...

We do not celebrate thanksgiving and xmas but this weekend was so very very hard on us. I think of this time as a time for children and there is so much loneliness in a childless home...we miss our child so much.

Holly said...

My hubby is getting the decorations out today so that we (or more I) can put up the tree. Christmas has come blazingly fast.

That's nice that Ella's name was included and that your family plans on buying an angel. It's good to do something in their memory to help others.

A Dragonfly's Embrace said...

We have yet to get out the Christmas decorations, let alone buy a tree. I did run across a little ornament snow globe with Olivia's name on it. I bought 2... one for her grave site and one for our tree. Weathering this fist holiday season is going to be tougher than I ever thought....

Peace,
Ben

Almost a Mother said...

Hard is so right. It is so hard :( We are the same way about Christmas-feels bad to do it, feels bad to not. It's like you said-we will wake up on that day and our babies will not be here-whether we have decorated or not. We ended up decorating but went crazy and put up TWO trees. One with our normal decorations for the gifts and one just for Sophie and Aiden. It helped. I think. Maybe a little.
Thinking of you
xxoo

Missing Kasey said...

I love that your family put Ella's name in to be drawn out!

The Blue Sparrow said...

Im glad Im not the only one putting off putting the tree up. It just seems so overwhelming and wrong to be celebrating without Bryston here. Im right there with ya. *HUGS*

Jen said...

I have to say how sweet it is that you put Ella's name in the hat too and draw for an angel. what a fantastic idea.

Kristy said...

I LOVE the idea of adding Ella's name to the santa draw. Beautiful and so touching that she is going to be included. You have an amazingly supportive family. *hugs*

Lea said...

So, so nice that Ella is still being included, especially by other members of your family. Feels good, doesn't it?

Thinking of you as you struggle with the Christmas tree and decorations... we did ours this weekend. THank goodness for the boys... they make it worthwhile.

:)

Kelli with Love said...

Jen I just wanted to let you know that I linked Ella's story on a blog posting of mine. You are welcome to read it, and if for some reason you want me to remove the link, let me know. Here is the link to my posting.
http://tylerandkelli.blogspot.com/2009/11/my-lily-is-8-months.html

Much love, Kelli

Karen said...

I *love* the idea of having Ella's name in the draw; what a beautiful, beautiful idea. I would like to copy you on that and I could see that being an annual tradition for our older children maybe.... I've read your blog many times but only just today twigged that your Ella and my George both died May 19, 2009. Six months was very hard for me as well. Sending you love.

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