Tuesday, November 24, 2009

in a weird place..

Lately I find myself in a weird place.. I am past the anger and the absolute worst kind of sadness I could have ever imagined..(mostly) and I am numb again.. I dread the holidays, but not to the point of overwhelming anxiety.. I can't say I am to acceptance, but I am coping I guess.. I think about her 24/7 and still have my moments.. and I just don't get it.. I am going to confess that I am a twilight junkie.. love it..read all 4 books several times.. and watched the new movie 2 times in as many days..anyhow, I say that to say this.. there is a part when Bella is talking about Edward being gone and she talks about appreciating the pain, because it reminds her that he was real.. when she said that, I thought.. that is how I feel exactly.. I appreciate the fact that I miss her so much, and occasionally its too much.. she was here, she had an impact on me, and her daddy and brother, and so many more people.. My fear is that she will be forgotten...by others, by family, by everyone.. do they feel pain when they think about her too? have they forgotten her laugh? her smile? her griping? I can't imagine Jay and I ever losing those memories, but what about everyone else? Do you? Do you think about her? Do you miss her? Her name is being spoken less and less..it kills me.. I don't want to be that crazy girl who talks about her dead baby all of the time, but I don't want to be that girl who is scared to say her childs name either..Please don't offer "maybe you need to talk to someone advice" I am aware.. thank you.. anyone else..please feel free to chime in.. other moms, dads, anyone..in real life or blog world.. I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts.. if you knew her, do you think about her? if not, and you've lost your child, do you think about this stuff? how do you cope?

that's the sleepy smile I miss.. you remember it?


Akul's mama said...


I live my routine life ...go out, teach, talk to people on the phone but I keep aside some time every day to spend with my angel baby Akul. I come to this blog world and read about all the babies and see Akul in each one. I spend an hour or more in this world and to me this is my time with Akul. I also do things like write poems, make an Akul collage, make powerpoint slides for Akul, see his pictures and that is my way of spending time with him. I talk about my dead child and then promptly ask people about their living children. I make sure I take my turn as a mom to say something about my child even if others do not want to hear it. This is my world and Akul still lives in it.

Kel said...

Hi. You don't know me and I've never seen your blog or your story before today. But I read it and I cried. We have a daughter that we almost lost. It took us five years to have her and then she was almost gone.

Of course, our stories aren't the same. I don't mean to compare them. But I wanted to say that I care deeply for you, without knowing you personally at all. I know that probably seems so, so weird. But I'm still crying as I type this because I care about you and your baby girl in a way I could never have imagined had we not gone through such difficult times ourselves.

I guess that's all. I just wanted to comment and say I care.

Kelli with Love said...

I have never met you or Ella, but I think about you guys a lot! Ella was gorgeous! She reminds me a little of my little girl, Lily. Sometimes when I kiss Lily's chubby cheeks, I think of you and Ella, and hope that you remember how Ella's cheeks felt against your own lips. I imagine losing Lily and my heart breaks into a million pieces. And then I remember that you actually did lose Ella. I have not seen or read the Twilight books, but the pain and reminding her that he was real seems so fitting for what you must feel. Ella was real. And she will NEVER be forgotten.

Tiffany Lockette said...

You are welcome to talk to me everyday about Ella. We have never met but I feel drawn to you and Ella. I grieve for you. I know how hard the Holidays and everyday for that matter are for you. I wish I could take the pain away for you. I wish I could bring Ella back. Guess what though? You don't have to quit talking about her. You don't have to let her memories fade. You have us here in blog world and I personally would love to hear every little thing about beautiful Miss Ella. All my love and hugs are with you today and always. I am praying for you to find peace with each day passing.

A Dragonfly's Embrace said...


Wow that picture hurts. In it I see not only your loss, but ours too. I see Olivia in that toothless grin, I can hear her first laugh & cackle. I can smell her sweet little breath in the crook of my neck as she sleeps. I can feel the softness of her skin as I caress her face to help her go back to sleep.

While Sara and I are just beginning this journey of grief, I too fear that over time Olivia will be forgotten by others. In some ways this has started, people ask us "How are you doing?" not "How's Olivia?" -- yes I know that would be an odd question now that she's gone -- The focus has shifted from Her to Us. I usually force the issue by talking about how we miss her or that we just visited her grave. Our close friends of course, the ones that were by our side every step of the way (hospital, surgery, funeral) openly talk about her which helps. Will this be the same in 6 months? 1 year? 5 years? probably not, but She'll always be with us.

In the early days I had someone say to me "If I were in your shoes, I'd curl up with a bottle of alcohol and make the pain just go away!" I just looked at them and responded that I want to feel the pain, having it hurt so much reminds me every day of how much Olivia meant to us. For now I accept the pain as a sign of my loss, in some ways I don't want it to stop. I fear as time goes on, that I'll become numb to the pain, does that mean I don't love her as much anymore?



Heather said...

I don't know you in real life only through your blog and your cousin (whom I do know in real life) :) and came across your blog right after baby Ella passed. My heart was broken when I read your story and even more so when I talked about baby Ella with your cousin.

My oh my have I spent numerous hours praying for your family and baby Ella. My heart breaks that your beautiful baby girl is not here with you. I wish I could take some of your pain away and hopefully I do when I pray but words just can't express my deep sorrow for you.

I was really close to my grandmother. She was my best friend. She passed the day after Ella and I found your blog about a week later. I don't believe in conicidences and think that I was meant to pray for you. I have been doing so and will continue.

Your words at the beginning of your post were amazing to hear (read?) that you are at a weird place. I would guess to say that this weird place is a sign of healing. Baby Ella will never be forgotten. Thank you for sharing her with us. Thank you for sharing you with us. You are a beautiful person inside and out, as your baby Ella was. My heart melts when I see her big smile.

You will always be her mom even if she is in Heaven.

Erin said...

This made me cry. I do think about her ALL the time. She wasn't my daughter but I loved her soo much. I purposely put pictures of her around so that we could all see her sweet face whenever we want. I don't know how anyone could ever forget her beautiful face, her soft skin, her sweet smile, even her griping. :) And it hurts to think about her sometimes and then sometimes it makes me smile and even laugh. Like the jailbreak memories. Loved that baby and always will, love ALL of my Magees. :)

Lisa said...

I will always remember Ella, because she is the only other little lady I know who had the same disease as our daughters! There are so many similiarities in our story... how could I ever forget :) You can talk to me anytime- I'd love to hear more about her.

Missing Kasey said...

I wonder if people will forget that Kasey is our first son. I talk about him daily. I will never forget and will not let him be forgotten in my world. Our children who will be born in the future will know about their brother they never met. Sending you lots of love and Ella is dancing in heaven smiling down that beautiful smile on you.
Remember people have a hard time speaking her name since she has become an angel, they don't know if her name will hurt you, set you off etc. People do NOT know how to deal with our situations.
She will never be forgotten by those life's she touched and by the people who love you.


Bree said...

What a beautiful picture of Ella. I think about my Ella and all the babies I've "met" here online all the time. I too wonder if anyone in my real life ever thinks about Ella. I wish people would ask me about Ella more. Ask to see her picture, ask me to describe what she looked like, what it felt like to hold her. Like Akul's mom, I'm not afraid to tell people about her. I bring her up all the time. If people ask how many children I have, I always tell them about Ella. Any excuse to talk about my darling daughter, I'll take it.

Our Story said...

Wow, I can't imagine the pain of losing your little one. Your blog always brings tears to my eyes.. You will be in my prayers!

Anonymous said...

I've been reading and praying for you and your family since the diagnosis. I don't comment often, but there is something I want you to know. Ella touched lives. She had weight in this world. When I'm frustrated with my daughter or son, I think about her and you and the Lord gives me patience when I thought I had no more. Her life made me appreciate mine so much more because none of us have guarantees. I treasure today because I know that tomorrow it could change. I hope you found some comfort in my words. I will NEVER forget Ella. Prayers for continued strength to you. Deidre

margaret said...

Jen I think you have articulated the fear of every babylost mother out here, that our babies lives will be forgotten. I'm terrified about that, it's something that has eaten away at me every day since Calvin died. Who will remember my sweet boy? Who will remember how soft his hair was, how beautiful his eyes were? It's an anguish we shouldn't need to feel on top of our losses. I think that as mothers, and as mothers united in grief, that we will help each other. We will remember your baby, just as you will remember ours. We understand the pain and the fear of being forgotten and because of that, it will be a priority for us to say, "Ella was beautiful..." and remember her with you. Wish I had more that could make things feel a bit better...Hugging you

Kristy said...

Oh Jen, I am sad that others aren't saying Ella's name. I would hope that they are thinking about her, even if they don't say it. Its sad that others don't really grasp the reality of what we've all been through. They don't get that not talking about our children, not saying their names do more harm then good. They are hurting us more by avoiding them. None of our family members talk about our sons, none of them utter their names. Very few friends do either these days, and haven't since their funerals. Its almost like they think that, they are buried now we should just be over everything. Not the case, not now, not ever. Remember we all remember Ella, we will all remember her with you and for you.

Many *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Jen, I think of Ella Bella all the time. Someone as beautiful and as precious as Ella can not be forgotten. Right now Ella is dancing, spinning, and twirling like Cinderella in Heaven. She is laughing that sweet laugh of hers. Smiling her sweet smile. And I believe that she is waiting her mommy and the day of your special reunion. We serve an Almighty God, Jen, one that will never leave us nor forsake us in our darkest of nights. I pray that He will continue mending your broken heart. I want to leave you with a poem I found ... From Ella's view.

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won't ever heal.

I love you my, sister! Keep talking about Ella because I love to hear how much you love her; because we love her too!


Nan & Mike said...

We will never ever forget our babies, and we are the ones that matter the most :) I pray that you feel Ella's presence with you always...lots of love, Nan xo

Nan & Mike said...

We will never ever forget our babies, and we are the ones that matter the most :) I pray that you feel Ella's presence with you always...lots of love, Nan xo

Franchesca Cox said...

Oh, Jen I know this is a hard hard place to be. It feels like the world is going a hundred miles an hour and has left you in the dust with her memories. I remember feeling like the world IRL was forgetting my Jenna. I came to the realization that if I didn't carry on her memory, no one else would (besides my hubby of course). I love how you brought up that point about the pain being sort of a bittersweet blessing of remembrance. It's true and often too much, just like you said. I don't know if it's right or wrong, we are all trying to figure this thing out, but I find myself mentioning her on purpose in conversation. She is constantly on my mind and it comes natural. A few people get uncomfortable when I mention her, but most welcome it when they see that I am really okay talking about her. All I know is that our children are forever a part of us, whether they live or leave us too soon. It is only natural that you want to include her on some level in your everyday life. You have been a wonderful loving mother to your sweet Ella and I know that however you decide to cope with this, it will honor her precious memory. Sending you lots of *BIG* hugs!

Nancy said...

I don't think anyone that ever met our precious Ella could ever forget her, even people that may have just seen her pictures. I am so thankful that we had her for the nine months that we did. I miss her every day, every hour. It's hard telling someone that didn't know that she's gone. I always tear up and my voice cracks when I tell them about her. She will always be missed and her beautiful face will always be embedded in my mind.!! She was my namesake and I will always love and miss her!!

shan said...

I could have written that, because I think those thoughts all the time. Only I don't have an Ella, mine is Marie...

Holly said...

I pretty much think of Carleigh 24/7. The minute my mind isn't occupied with the task at hand, there she is. I totally understand your fear because I don't want Carleigh to be forgotten either. It hasn't even been a year and I feel that she is drifting away from people's minds. I know that people think about her but they never say they are. I would appreciate it so much if family and friends would tell me that they thought of her or something reminded them of her. I know she'll always stay with me and in my heart and mind. I love talking about her and I can't imagine a time when I wouldn't want to.

I never knew Ella. I only know of her with what you share but I know she is a beautiful little girl who was loved so much. And I do think of her.

Once A Mother said...

I care, and I can relate. I hear my daughter's name mentioned less and less. It is so unfair the way this happens. Unfair and heartbreaking. Thinking of you, and remembering your beautiful Ella with you.