Lately I find myself in a weird place.. I am past the anger and the absolute worst kind of sadness I could have ever imagined..(mostly) and I am numb again.. I dread the holidays, but not to the point of overwhelming anxiety.. I can't say I am to acceptance, but I am coping I guess.. I think about her 24/7 and still have my moments.. and I just don't get it.. I am going to confess that I am a twilight junkie.. love it..read all 4 books several times.. and watched the new movie 2 times in as many days..anyhow, I say that to say this.. there is a part when Bella is talking about Edward being gone and she talks about appreciating the pain, because it reminds her that he was real.. when she said that, I thought.. that is how I feel exactly.. I appreciate the fact that I miss her so much, and occasionally its too much.. she was here, she had an impact on me, and her daddy and brother, and so many more people.. My fear is that she will be forgotten...by others, by family, by everyone.. do they feel pain when they think about her too? have they forgotten her laugh? her smile? her griping? I can't imagine Jay and I ever losing those memories, but what about everyone else? Do you? Do you think about her? Do you miss her? Her name is being spoken less and less..it kills me.. I don't want to be that crazy girl who talks about her dead baby all of the time, but I don't want to be that girl who is scared to say her childs name either..Please don't offer "maybe you need to talk to someone advice" I am aware.. thank you.. anyone else..please feel free to chime in.. other moms, dads, anyone..in real life or blog world.. I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts.. if you knew her, do you think about her? if not, and you've lost your child, do you think about this stuff? how do you cope?
that's the sleepy smile I miss.. you remember it?