Wednesday, November 11, 2009

October Secret Garden



This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief. Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby. How are you feeling. How do you hope you will feel in the future. Have you found any peace at all?

We have been without our daughter for almost 6 months.. Nov 19th will be 6 months exactly.. I differ in my grief..some days are fine, I feel good, confident even..knowing that she got to skip this earth.. she will never know loss, pain, disappointment..all she knew was joy and love..and some days that is enough..Some days its not..some days I feel like I could just bury myself in all of my guilt, grief, sadness and resentment..as the holidays approach I feel myself in this funk..I just can't shake it.. I paste a smile on when I need to and pretend my heart isn't breaking more and more every second..with every breath I take, its a cruel reminder that she isn't taking one.. I hope to find peace in the future..peace of mind and heart, not just on some days, but on all days.. I want to talk about her and smile and remember her and feel joy...now just about every time I talk about her, the tears just flow...

I know I am not alone in this journey..it is so much more than I would have ever imagined.. its everywhere..children.die....I have a few friends and family that have weathered the storm with us, new blogger friends that always encourage me.. but more than that.. I have a God that is bigger than us all, yet he still weeps with me.. despite the anger towards him, resentment that my baby was stolen from my arms.. I still love him and he still loves me..I know his plan/will wasn't to make us suffer on Earth without her, He will get us through this..I don't know when he will cover us with peace..right now is our time to grieve, and as soon as we are ready..he will give us the peace and comfort we need.. he is here and watching over me forever...



8 comments:

Bree said...

Thinking of you, Jen. I too have had the thought that perhaps Ella is better off where she is. I hope my dad is loving on her and that they are keeping each other company. I want to participate in this month's meeting too. I've just lacked motivation lately.

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs)) Jen! I often wonder what our little ones are up to!?

Holly said...

It does give some comfort to know that they will never know the bad things in this world. They will only know the good. But it doesn't keep from missing them so much.

The Morris Family said...

We will always miss them, but His grace is so tender and he leads us gently and soon our hearts are stronger, our faith deeper our longings for heaven made richer because they are there, but while we wait, He is here......

Cindy

Lisa said...

Jen,
If it helps to know, this past weekend I watched videos of Amryn for the first time in over a year. Last year it was just too painful to watch them, and I too had tears flowing whenever I thought of her or someone mentioned her name. I thought that it would be like that forever, but when I watched the videos again, I was actually able to smile!! I was glued to the screen, just soaking in everything about her, and loving the memories that returned when I saw her. Last year, I couldn't even look at the screen, and this year I couldn't get enough of it. Just to encourage you that perhaps that time will come for you, too. It is still painful, but not in such a searing sort of way.

Akul's mama said...

I strangely believe that my Akul was a wiser and more mature soul than I am. I feel he sits meditating in another dimension peaceful and tranquil.

Heidi said...

Jen, I love how youre able to find the right words, I think of you often and your family is always in my prayers.

The other night I went through all your old postings, before I discovered your blog and aware your baby Ella blessed this earth...as I viewed all of those precious photos of your darling baby each month, I sat in tears knowing that the next post I clicked on wouldnt be good news...my heart ached for you so.

I dont know what its like to lose a child, and I cant pretend to know what youre going through... But I feel connected to you, maybe because my son is battling the same disease as Ella but maybe I would anyway simply because I am a mom...warm hugs and prayers tonight- Heidi and Jack

Once A Mother said...

I pray that He will cover you in peace, even if not for any lasting time, long enough to give you some reprieve from the pain.

I could relate to so much of this post. It really moved me.