so blah...

this has to get easier....right?

once upon a time...

mommy was a little girl and celebrated Halloween too!

Chris, Me and my brother tom.....

Once upon a time, we had a perfect Halloween..

we adore Batman

and love and miss our bat girl...

Jace

A while back while Ella was still with us a friend I use to go to high school with had heard about Ella and what was going on. She messaged me and asked if I would mind talking to one of her friends who has a son that seemed to have alot in common with Ella.. naturally I agreed and became fast friends with Trish and her sweet family. Jace is her little boy and is so sweet and so happy.. just heart melting.. They have been unable to pin down a diagnosis for over a year.. he has been through so much in his short life, and has handled it better than any adult I know of :) Jace is thought to have a mitochondrial disease, just not sure what exactly it is yet.. they took him to see a specialist in Cleveland and are still waiting to hear back. They are meant to go back next month for a liver biopsy and then again in January for results.. I can speak for myself in saying the bills add up FAST.. and traveling on top of everything is just more of an expense.. Tomorrow, Saturday October 24, 2009, they are having a festival to raise funds.. I'll just post the info from his caringbridge site below..

Fundraiser Info!!!!!!
JOIN TOGETHER FOR JACE.....
Owasso 6th Grade Center, Oct 24th 6p-9p
GARAGE SALE 8a-12p that morning in the parking lot...

Everyone is invited and encouraged to come out, eat lots of food :) have fun with the family and show your support for Jace!

Smokin' Bones BBQ, music, games, face painting, jupiter jump, costume contest, dessert auction and craft fair! Tons of amazing homemade items and goodies for sale....just in time for the holidays! A Pampered Chef rep. is teaming up with us, and a % of the sales will all go to help with Jace's medical expenses! There will be a link open for 1 month where you can place your order and help Jace at the same time....

links~
Jace's caring bridge~ to catch up and see how Jace is doing now
Trish's boutique blog~ there is also a button on the side to donate to their paypal if you feel led. =)
pampered chef~ anyone can help!



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I am working on making his button for the blog~ but haven't had time yet.. watch for it and feel free to share it on your page to help!

2 blog awards..

Kristy has given me 2 awards! They are my first.. I feel so special :) thanks kristy!!

I was given an "Over The Top" award Kristy as the first..
I am supposed to answer the following 30 questions, with just one word....as most know I am very "wordy", but I will try!

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your hair? up
3. Your mother? home
4. Your father? work
5. Your favorite food? mexican
6. Your dream last night? sad
7. Your favorite drink? Diet Mt dew (more than 1 word I know..)
8. Your dream/goal? being complete again (see above, I told you I would try)
9. What room are you in? Living room
10. Your hobby? none (anymore, just unmotivated)
11. Your fear? came true already..
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren't? complete
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. Wish list item? baby
17. Where did you grow up? Collinsville, Ok
18. Last thing you did? conference call
19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? Molly
22. Friends? best
23. Your life? complicated
24. Your mood? sad
25. Missing someone? Ella
26. Vehicle? Liberty
27. Something you’re not wearing? Socks
28. Your favorite store? hobby lobby
29. Your favorite color? red
30. When was the last time you laughed? this morning
31. Last time you cried? 15 minutes ago
32. Your best friend? Godsent
33. One place that I go to over and over? walmart
34. One person who emails me regularly? kelsey
35. Favorite place to eat? carrabas

And of course I need to pass it on to other fellow bloggers. I'm not sure how many I am supposed to send it to, So I will just pick 10.. a nice round number :)

*Tami from "Angels"
*Malory from "mommy of an angel and ELHAS"
*Debby from "Just breathe"
*Nicole from "Missing Kasey"
*Amy from "Schroeder Matters"
*Holly from "Caring for Carleigh" and "Haas family blessings"
*Mandi from "Happy Hodgepodge"
*Erin from "peace, love, and the parks"
*Nan from "remembering our triplet angels "
*Stephanie from" Baseballs and Tutu's"



~next award is one lovely blog award

Thank you Kristy for the awards.. this blog started out as just something fun to do to let our friends and family in on our lives.. it turned into something I would have never imagined.. a baby lost blog and some of the other stuff.. it has been a very good outlet for me and has connected me with others that I would have never have known. It continues to heal my soul to read each of the blogs I follow..

Again I am suppose to give the lovely blog award to others, I am not even sure who all reads this blog, except the "commenters" so I just echo the names listed above for the other.. If you read this and I left you out, I apologize.. chances are if you are reading mine, I read yours :)

Wednesdays for Wyatt

This family lost their little boy 2 minutes after he was born and are working so diligently to get his life acknowledged.. he was alive for 2 minutes! breathing the same air.. though this may not seem like that big of deal, it is huge..As a mother who has lost a child, my one wish is that people will acknowledge that she was here.. that she was a real person and is a part of me.. no matter how long or how short the time spent together was..whether it is 8 months and 29 days or 2 minutes.. it matters..THEY matter to us..their parents..so please sign the petition, whether you live in Tennessee or other..it still matters.. for the full story or to leave encouraging words visit their site..

5 months...

5 months later I am still here..sometimes I wonder how, but none the less still here.. yesterday I snapped.. I was mad, sad and everything all at once.. it was too much to handle..the stresses of everything else and then a huge bomb just imploded.. Jay is sweet for trying, but there are no words to make me feel better.. I want to know how to get from
A-feeling like I do now, just as though she just left moments ago, to
B-missing her, but having more good moments than bad, and eventually to
C- moving on with life, and being able to smile when I think of her, remember her.. when I don't feel as though I am rotting from the inside out.. I really need advice.. I know TIME heals.. time hasn't touched it in 5 months.. therapy? specific books?I know God has a plan and he will heal all wounds..in the mean time...what about now? I left my job of many years, that I actually enjoyed, to work from home.. and KEEP her here with me... and now... I sit in an empty quiet house and am haunted by the memories..yes haunted.. they tease me of the good times we had with her.. and again, it should make me happy and I just can't feel it.. I am still soo stinking sad.. I have a hard time even talking about her now without tearing up, or even bawling.. my OBGYN walked in while I was being seen and said "How is little Isabella doing? getting big?" oh.my.goodness...he had no clue...I lost all cool I had about me.. he looked like he was about to cry.. the nurse walked in and she had tried to catch him and tell him, but he came in too fast.. I sat there looking like I was about to die.. its not his fault, but the way he said it.. the rest of the conversation should have been "oh yeah, she is good.. walking..blah blah.. but instead it was a scene from a nicholas sparks book/movie.. I cried all the way home and then some..(this was also the day after Jay's nanny passed away..) I am not the only one who lost her, who misses her, but I seem to be having trouble.. making peace, accepting? whatever it is I am suppose to do..How do I get from A to B and then to C? What do I need to do to be okay that my daughter got to skip this life and is in heaven..that is wonderful right? why is it so hard for me to be okay with it? if you don't normally comment, and have advice.. I am begging you to chime in if you have an idea..whether you have lost a child or not.. I am grasping here.. I need to be okay, really okay..not pasting on a fake smile okay, but I want so bad to be happy.. I need to be for my family.. they deserve more than a shell...


this is the Saturday before she passed..(on tuesday).. she was so tired.. I know she was ready to go home, I can see it everytime I look at the pics of her last few days, I am so thankful she is not having to feel bad, and is free and healed..someone please convince my heart that is should feel that way also...

October 15, 2009

Today is pregnancy and infant loss day.. at 7 pm tonight, everyone is asked to light a candle of those babies gone too soon.. I know we don't need a candle to remember her.. we remember her with every breath we take.. But it is nice for the day to be recognized..

"When God sends forth a little soul
To learn the ways of earth
A mothers love is waiting there
We call this miracle birth
When God call back a tiny soul
And stills a fleeting breath
A fathers love is waiting there
This too is birth, not death."
~author unknown

babies, babies and more babies..

I love LOVE my friends.. blog world and IRL.. LOVE THEM.. so many are pregnant &/0r just having babies.. and I thank God all of the time for their health and the blessings of a new baby.. BUT it makes my heart ache at the same time.. It makes me think of how MUCH I want another baby.. I think about it, talk about it.. and then comes this huge guilt.. its too soon.. is it ever going to be an appropriate amount of time?? Do I unconsciously think this will heal my wounded heart? Is that even possible.. what if I were to have another? what if it was a girl? or a boy? would I be happy with either? and worse...what if the doctors are wrong or miss something.. what if I have another sick baby? I know there are test to determine if they are sick or not, but even if it were, I could not terminate a pregnancy.. I am not judging others, but for me, I just couldn't.. but I can't bury another child.. I barely made it through this.. I cannot do it again.. I am so thankful for Cayden and realized I am so blessed to have him.. but what about this ache saying I need more..is it selfish? Jay and I both agree that we want another one at least.. we realize how precious life is.. we realized it before Ella, we wanted her so bad.. It just doesn't make sense she is gone.. just because we really want another, doesnt ensure we will have a healthy one, or one at all.. I feel like a jerk for my preggo friends and ones with new babies.. I don't mean to be a downer.. I love your babies and am so happy for you.honestly.. but I still miss mine.. and can't help be a tad bit envious.. please just give me time.. I'll get there..wherever "there" is...

the funeral...

I been laying in bed for quite a while now, unable to sleep..Jay's Nanny passed away and her funeral is tomorrow... I haven't been to a funeral since Ella's.. And her's just keeps running through my mind.. the details are blurry..its so surreal.. I remember walking into the sanctuary before the service and seeing so many pink and white flowers, and many other assorted colors, plants, a little of everything.. the stage was covered.. there were a few people in that had arrived early, but pretty much empty still.. I walked in and saw her tiny casket..I turned and there was my brother in law Stephen.. I just fell into him weeping and said I can't do this... as if it was a choice... I walked back to where the family was being gathered while the other guests were being seated.. We were last to be seated.. front row..just the 3 of us.. tiny pink and white casket on my left.. I could feel the eyes just beaming at me, expecting me to lose it I guess.. I sat and did pretty well if I say so myself..then we played Ella's montage..Cayden buried his head in my arm and asked if he could leave.. I felt like leaving too, but we both stayed..I heard the weeping and sobbing from every single direction.. I heard my sweet niece Makayla sobbing and not even able to catch her breath directly behind me.. I struggled to find my own breath..I felt Jay's hand pat my back and rub a little, reminding me to inhale..The tears flowed freely, all the while, I still kept my cool..I had decided when she passed that I did not want to take anything to "help" me.. I wanted to feel it.. I needed to feel it.. the service ended in a flash.. the tiny casket that held my angel was opened and the people walked by..sobbing..weeping..no hysterics though.. my one rule was no hysterics.. I could not handle it.. one by one they came by..friends first as they exited this isle into they foyer.. family next, and back to their seats..then it was our turn..we all 3 walked up.. my baby in her Christmas dress...she looked like a porcelain doll.. I had spent time with her the day before, touching her, running my fingers through her hair.. I leaned down to kiss her head..it clicked..don't move..you will never see her on this earth again..I froze, my head buried in her casket..I wanted to crawl in with her.. I wanted to grab her and run like hell...Cayden ran towards the back of the church and out the doors.. he got sick from being so upset.. Jay raised me up a little and I crashed into him..I felt our pastor rub my back.. and say something..I was the hysterics.. I had an audience to witness the worst moment of my life.. an auditorium full of friends and loved ones, staring at me as I broke.. I don't even remember what I said, I know the words "I am not ready for this" came out several times.. I wish that I had brought something to help me at that point.. I needed to NOT feel this way.. I needed to NOT be there, I needed to be at HOME with my baby.. I honestly can't tell you what followed the next week or two.. I did not take anything to alter my mind..I just checked out for a few days.. I slept alot..cried alot.. and that is about it.. I will never in my life forget that feeling when I kissed her head..the moment it all clicked for me..the moment my heart fell out of my chest and shattered into a million pieces.. I've never liked funerals.. and now I certainly don't like them.. it makes me feel sad for the people that loved the deceased as much as I love Ella...

this is Ella in her Christmas dress.. right before she got sick..
I just miss her so stinking much...

this time of year...

I keep thinking about this time of year last year.. my family was complete and I had everything.. perfect job, husband, son and daughter... From August 21 til December 30,2008... I had it all..and now.. I just can't stand it..I still have 3 of the 4.. but it still feels like crap..like a 4 piece puzzle missing 1 of the pieces..its obviously missing..why act like I don't notice?? I want to go back.. I want my life back.. I want to feel like more than an empty shell of who I use to be..I want to not have this huge freaking void..I want some normalcy back..more than anything I want my baby back...

I really HATE mito..

I've followed a couple of blogs of mito kids since Ella got sick and diagnosed.. I always looked to these "older" kids as encouragement.. maybe Ella will make it to their age..sadly she didn't.. I've been praying and cheering on these kids and little brody passed last week, and Gavin and sweet Abby are both struggling with their own issues now and could really use any prayers.. I hate that this disease robs these kids of their childhood..their normal every day childhood.. they deserve it.. I hate that the parents have to worry with ever sneeze that "this could be what does it".. I remember that feeling and it made me about crazy..

September secret garden meeting..

this is a group that I found of other moms who are dealing with the loss of a child..each month there is a topic that the participants write about.. this months is about what has helped you since your loss..
What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photo's,videos, websites, support group information and so on.

My family and friends have been wonderful since we found out she was ill and they do their best to check in on us since her passing.. I have not joined a support group or anything like that.. I have thought about it, just never did.. unfortunately, I have a few friends and family members that have gone through the same loss over the past few years.. I do talk to them.. ask alot of questions..if they did this or that.. it seems to help.. Also my blogging friends.. reading all of your thoughts, stories and getting to know you and your children helps.. Sometimes I have all of these ramblings in my head that don't seem to make much sense.. and I put them on the screen and it all comes together.. so blogging has been one of the biggest factors.. Often I have things I want to say and I just can't get them out of my mouth.. either no one around, not the right timing, afraid I will just lose it.. so I put them here..
My husband and son are my life line..they are the reason I bother to get out of bed.. they make me smile when it seems impossible, laugh so hard I cry.. I never thought I would do that again.. I cry at random times and they hug me and let me know its okay.. I don't have to say why I am crying..they just know.. and sometimes they know I need to cry alone..get it out.. so I can move on with my day.. they know the loss I feel, because they feel it too..My faith in God.. knowing she is better, knowing she is waiting on us to get there.. that helps.. I realize this post is all over the place, but I can't really pinpoint what it is that helps.. sometimes I need things from different places.. if that makes sense.. ? and sometimes none of the above helps, and I just have to call it a day and accept my defeat..try again the next day..

I listened to this song a while back.its my current fav.. it makes me think of the end of my time on earth here..how beautiful it is going to be.. It makes me so excited about the security of my salvation.. I love knowing beyond a shadow of doubt, that I will see my daughter again!

sickly Cayden

Yesterday about 9am I took Cayden into the urgent care to be seen. Over night he had developed a low grade fever, sore throat and horrible cough.. last week my dad had the H1n1 virus (swine flu) and I talked to C's doctor to see about what to do if C showed symptoms, he said take him in immediately because his asthma could complicate things..fast forward to yesterday.. He is coughing, but seems okay otherwise.. the Dr checks him out.. he has a horrible ear infection (which he had not complained about??) and you guessed it h1n1 and his lungs sounded horrible.. they did a breathing treatment on him and then a peak flow, which he failed miserably.. so we came home with 5 different meds.. last night he was playing his PSP and the TV was on..neither of us paying much attention.. and the news came on with this story..Cayden paused his game and looked at me.. I looked at him and asked what was wrong and he said "I need you to tell me I am going to be okay".. I paused and then nodded and explained that we were doing everything they would do in the hospital for him and that he WAS going to be okay.. the other kids that had passed probably didn't get seen as early as he did.. and that was enough for him..he just needed to hear it.. In the back of my mind though, rushed awful thoughts.. I just sat and prayed for a minute or two, please God, give him comfort and peace of mind and restore his health quickly..Oh God, I need to know that he is going to be okay!! My mind kept rushing all night, I kept feeling his head and chest with my hand and checking on him.. finally that silent whisper I've heard a few times before .."Be still and know that I am God" and just like that I was able to rest.. Caydens cough is a little better today, but the flu part is starting to kick in.. praying this is over fast..

is it ever enough?

I always think about if I did enough for Ella while she was still on this earth..did I hold her enough? love on her and talk to her enough? What about Cayden, have I done enough for him? If I were to die today, would he know that he holds my heart? I think about Mito and think about how it robbed me of my daughter, of the life she should have had, the sister and daughter she was.. What can I do to be active in helping find a cure?? Constantly, I think of fund raisers..to help find a cure, to help my friend Trisha and her sweet boy Jace.. I need to do more..

My cousin Amanda wrote a great post.. she and I have talked about her job before, and her goals to do more when she has all of her credentials, but in the mean time, she feels like she is lacking.. not doing enough for these kids.. I think for most, its never enough, or it should never be enough to be where you are.. who am I if I don't have some sort of goals, something to reach for? Amanda, you are doing a great job, and I love you so much for your empathetic and sweet soul! my beautiful siser cousin :)