Tuesday, October 13, 2009

babies, babies and more babies..

I love LOVE my friends.. blog world and IRL.. LOVE THEM.. so many are pregnant &/0r just having babies.. and I thank God all of the time for their health and the blessings of a new baby.. BUT it makes my heart ache at the same time.. It makes me think of how MUCH I want another baby.. I think about it, talk about it.. and then comes this huge guilt.. its too soon.. is it ever going to be an appropriate amount of time?? Do I unconsciously think this will heal my wounded heart? Is that even possible.. what if I were to have another? what if it was a girl? or a boy? would I be happy with either? and worse...what if the doctors are wrong or miss something.. what if I have another sick baby? I know there are test to determine if they are sick or not, but even if it were, I could not terminate a pregnancy.. I am not judging others, but for me, I just couldn't.. but I can't bury another child.. I barely made it through this.. I cannot do it again.. I am so thankful for Cayden and realized I am so blessed to have him.. but what about this ache saying I need more..is it selfish? Jay and I both agree that we want another one at least.. we realize how precious life is.. we realized it before Ella, we wanted her so bad.. It just doesn't make sense she is gone.. just because we really want another, doesnt ensure we will have a healthy one, or one at all.. I feel like a jerk for my preggo friends and ones with new babies.. I don't mean to be a downer.. I love your babies and am so happy for you.honestly.. but I still miss mine.. and can't help be a tad bit envious.. please just give me time.. I'll get there..wherever "there" is...

7 comments:

Bree said...

Jen, everything you're saying makes so much sense. I applaud you for being so honest. I've been there too- feeling like the whole world was pregnant, the whole world was having living babies, except me. You're not a downer. Sending love and hugs to you.

Nan said...

Hi Jen, thank you for visiting my blog, I am heartbroken hearing of your loss of Ella. She is beautiful and I just know she is watching over you. Your blog is beautiful.
Sending hugs xoxoxo Nan

2awesomekidz said...

Hi Jen,
You are not alone in your thoughts or feelings, it is soo difficult dealing with such a huge loss. To make matters more frutrating, hurtful and confusing is dealing with a disease that may have been genetic. It makes decision all that more difficult. Praying for you comfort and "healing" and strength.
Tami

Missing Kasey said...

Jenn(((((HUGS)))) All of what your are feeling is normal. I hated people who were going home with their babies when I was going to the NICU. Many of my friend have had babies and I fall out of their world. It so very hard. I have come around a little. I am still jealous and envious of them having a boring normal pregnancy and birthing a healthy baby. I pray that it will happen for me, again for you. I pray that your heart will continue to heal and you will have a healthy bundle of joy in your arms soon.

Franchesca Cox said...

I am so sorry Jen. Your honesty is very much appreciated and really what all feel at sometime or another. I know that envy you feel. I still feel it for those who are the clueless and happy-go-lucky preggo mamas. I hope and pray that God gives you a perfect, healthy baby and in time I believe He will. You are not selfish for wanting another baby, its just the empty arms that ache to hold her again. Praying for you and Love to the sky
xx

Holly said...

I think what you're feeling is totally normal after losing a child. I know I am envious. It may be wrong to feel that way but so be it. I can't help it.

Mary said...

The fear is normal. I go back and forth on how I feel about having a baby too. It strikes fear that is sometimes paralyzing. And then I envy those who have been blessed. It makes me feel awful. You are not alone in feeling like this.