Monday, October 19, 2009

5 months...

5 months later I am still here..sometimes I wonder how, but none the less still here.. yesterday I snapped.. I was mad, sad and everything all at once.. it was too much to handle..the stresses of everything else and then a huge bomb just imploded.. Jay is sweet for trying, but there are no words to make me feel better.. I want to know how to get from
A-feeling like I do now, just as though she just left moments ago, to
B-missing her, but having more good moments than bad, and eventually to
C- moving on with life, and being able to smile when I think of her, remember her.. when I don't feel as though I am rotting from the inside out.. I really need advice.. I know TIME heals.. time hasn't touched it in 5 months.. therapy? specific books?I know God has a plan and he will heal all wounds..in the mean time...what about now? I left my job of many years, that I actually enjoyed, to work from home.. and KEEP her here with me... and now... I sit in an empty quiet house and am haunted by the memories..yes haunted.. they tease me of the good times we had with her.. and again, it should make me happy and I just can't feel it.. I am still soo stinking sad.. I have a hard time even talking about her now without tearing up, or even bawling.. my OBGYN walked in while I was being seen and said "How is little Isabella doing? getting big?" oh.my.goodness...he had no clue...I lost all cool I had about me.. he looked like he was about to cry.. the nurse walked in and she had tried to catch him and tell him, but he came in too fast.. I sat there looking like I was about to die.. its not his fault, but the way he said it.. the rest of the conversation should have been "oh yeah, she is good.. walking..blah blah.. but instead it was a scene from a nicholas sparks book/movie.. I cried all the way home and then some..(this was also the day after Jay's nanny passed away..) I am not the only one who lost her, who misses her, but I seem to be having trouble.. making peace, accepting? whatever it is I am suppose to do..How do I get from A to B and then to C? What do I need to do to be okay that my daughter got to skip this life and is in heaven..that is wonderful right? why is it so hard for me to be okay with it? if you don't normally comment, and have advice.. I am begging you to chime in if you have an idea..whether you have lost a child or not.. I am grasping here.. I need to be okay, really okay..not pasting on a fake smile okay, but I want so bad to be happy.. I need to be for my family.. they deserve more than a shell...


this is the Saturday before she passed..(on tuesday).. she was so tired.. I know she was ready to go home, I can see it everytime I look at the pics of her last few days, I am so thankful she is not having to feel bad, and is free and healed..someone please convince my heart that is should feel that way also...

20 comments:

Heather said...

Jen-grief is a process and I don't know what to say having never lost a child. I know that my in laws lost a son at age 3 in a tragic accident who would have been in his 30's and they never talked about him. Now my father in law is having to go through all the feelings that he has supressed for over 30 years. I think you blogging and meeting other people who have lost a child is helping and will help. I don't think that counseling is a bad idea either. Maybe see if there are some support groups for people who have lost a child in your area.

On a side note, she is beautiful even when she was sick.

Thinking and praying about you. I wish I could do more for you.

Anonymous said...

Jen,
I have followed/stalked your blog for many months now. I have never lost a child, so I have no idea what you are going through, but I am a strong believer in therapy. You could find someone who specializes in infant loss. Also, the Tristesse Grief Center in Tulsa has a group for parents who have lost a child.
I also believe that your blog is a great way for you to vent.

Malory said...

Jen,

It has been 5 months for us as well. Circumstances may be different but nonetheless we both buried our baby girls. Although I did not get the chance to have my little girl for 8+ months I do know the feelings you have. I could not imagine getting to hold & love & watch Janessa grow for those months & watch her pass away. I just can't. I know that must increase the pain ten-fold. I am not going to pretend to know anything about this process because I do not. I have lost my father so I have walked the road of grief before. This blog has & will be an enormous tool for you. Counseling is a wonderful idea I think you should def explore that. We put our son in as well. How is Cayden doing? I know that "Every Life Has A Story" has helped me tremendously. I am doing something in Janessa's memory that is helping fellow bereaved mommies. Maybe you could find something that is close to your heart to give you something to focus & pour your grief into. The only way I am getting through this is I know & I believe that someday this pain will ease.

2awesomekidz said...

Hey Jen,
I am sorry, I found the 5-6 month mark was the toughest, and I had no idea at the time how in the world I would make it throug 1 more day. I did start another blog, it is private, but I wrote all my feelings/frustrations/pain in that blog, which I originally started in hopes that it would help others in there time of need. I got your email fromyour profile and I will add you on, please feel free to read it if you would like. Know that you are not alone, these feelings you are having are "normal" feelings of grief. You are goint throug the most difficult thing a parent could ever go through. God will pull you through this, you have the strength. Remember that it hurts soooo bad because you loved her sooo much! Hugs! I hope my blog will help, even just a little!
Tami

Kristy said...

Jen - I don't know how you get from A to B then to C. I still struggle with it everyday and I am 13 months out from loosing E and 4 plus months out from loosing L. I wish I had the magical words, the right things to say to help you, but sadly I don't. Leaning on us I hope can bring you some peace, I hope knowing that you aren't alone can bring you some peace. I know that when I read other blogs from woman who have shared the same loss as me, is comforting. I HATE that others have been through this, but knowing i'm not alone is settling.

Your baby girl is BEAUTIFUL, sick or not. She is a perfect, special little girl.

Thinking about you and your baby girl...wishing you peaceful days. I wish I could do/say more.

LOTS of *hugs*

Amy said...

Surround yourself with an amazing support group of friends and family, which is already done. Then, get together with other moms with kids who have been sick and/or passed away. The fellowship with others who have "been there" has helped me tremendously!

Get involved with the Mito cause and see if there are any support groups in Tulsa. If not, start one! Keep her alive by doing positive and productive things like raising awareness and holding on to your faith. Your faith walk alone right now is inspiring someone who needs it!

Know that your baby girl's life meant something, no matter how short a time she was here. Her journey touched many hearts and souls - including mine.

We've never met, but I love you and your family and will keep praying for you.

Franchesca Cox said...

Jen, I get your pain. It is so hard and I can hardly believe its been five months for us too. I just want to go back in time and be with her again. My problem is that I wish I could be living in the past. I started seeing a Christian counselor who does grief. She has been a really great help to me. She helps me to look on this horrible pit that I am in with a different perspective. She helps me to understand why I hurt the way I do and helps me find healthy ways to remember and think about Jenna. It has helped so much. I have only been a couple of times, but I intend to continue to see her. I think I might even be doing a grief share program with other babylost mamas too. There is usually one nearby where you live. I am thinking about doing this. Some of my friends IRL who have lost a two year old due to a tragic accident did this and it helped them. But I have to say the thing that has helped me most is getting my mind off of my grief and helping someone else. I had been praying for something to do and God let me start doing Hope Collages. It has been a life saver. It lets me know I am not alone and there are countless others going through this horrible horrible grief. I sure hope and pray you find the things in this world that can get you through. It is wonderful, like you said that Ella is in Heaven, but it hardly eases the pain. You are so right. The loss is catastrophic. I hope that through this post, you will get someone who says something that would be just what you need. I am so so sorry. I will be praying for you on Ella's five months in Heaven. I know Ella must be so proud of you as she watches her mommy from Heaven. I am sure her and Jenna are having a wonderful time in the presence of the Lord. Your daughter is beautiful, and I am so glad her and Jenna are not suffering anymore - they are perfect. So perfect.

Missing Kasey said...

(((HUGS)))
Have you found any blogs, boards with people who have gone through what you have? That was huge part of my healing just to know I was not alone. 4 and 6 months were hard and I am sure 1 year will be extremely difficult, I will never forget Kasey and I am crying as I write this, but things are different...I cannot explain it. I guess I have learned to cope. I know that isn't helpful...
What you are feeling is normal. I wish I do do/say something that would take your pain away. (((HUGS)))

Lea said...

Jen - I hear the pain in your words. We are suffering such a horrendous, gut-wrenching loss.... incomprehensible to most people. Your feelings are normal, frustrating and impossible to understand, but normal for what we have gone through.

You have so many beautiful memories with Ella. I'm glad you have those. I'm glad you have the pictures. Although they are difficult to look at now, I believe that one day you will be able to look at them and smile and remember fondly the daughter who brought so much warmth and glory to your family.

I think we do eventually go from A to B to C.... but I also think that there are going to be times for the rest of our lives that we revert back to A, maybe B and then back to C again. I think the struggle is all part of it. All part of the learning process. It's a tough, tough job to love our babies from afar. I think you are doing the best job of that you can. I always try to remind myself that Nicholas would want me to be the best mommy I can be to his brothers and his new baby sister. He wouldn't want me to be sad. He knows how desperately we miss him and love him, but being miserable all of the time won't help bring him back.

Instead, I focus on protecting his memory. I focus on the little things that remind me of him and bring them into our home. I focus on how I can, creatively, make him a part of our family - whether it be by signing a heart and an "N" on our cards/notes or by including his Angel Wings in a family photo.

Ella will always be a part of you and a part of your family.

Akul's mama said...

I don't know Jen ...I lost my son over 8 months ago and some days it just hurts so much that I feel like screaming for relief too. The only thing that keeps my grief limited to certain times of the day is my work. I do get engrossed in it and that is the time my brain rests and my eyes don't weep ... other than that I have come to terms with the fact that I am going to hurt and why not ...this is my child. I will remember, I will grieve, and I will talk about him. Hugsssssss

Just Breathe said...

She is so beautiful. ((HUGS)) I wish I had the words to comfort you. I pray to God to give them to me so I can help all the mothers who are grieving. I am so sorry.

Lisa said...

Jen,
I left a comment earlier but deleted it, because I tried to fumble my way through some "advice" but realized that there are just no words, even from someone who has "been there". It has only been 5 months. Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself this anger and grief. Please email me if you would like to know what has helped me in the past. It is a daily struggle, but there are things that I have found that help. Hugs to you!!

Holly said...

Happy 5 months in Heaven Ella!

I so wish I could hug every mommy and tell them it is going to be ok. Grief is such a roller coaster of emotions. It has been almost 7 months since Carleigh has been gone and I find it so hard to express in words what my grief is like.

When we got Carleigh's fatal diagnosis, it was devastating. I knew once I got the call from my dr that something was terribly wrong and when I read my own ultrasound report before going to the office I knew that my daughter would die. I began grieving at that moment. The couple days after we got the diagnosis, I spent a lot of time online researching and planning for the future and crying. Then, 4 days after the diagnosis we went on a family trip. For this trip, I left it all behind and took the opportunity to enjoy myself, my family, and my daughter. I came back refreshed and feeling better than when I had left.

I found a group of moms who online that had the same diagnosis and it really helped to connect with people who knew what my situation was like. Even then, I reached out to help others. It really made me feel better and it still does. And now, connecting with other moms who have been through loss helps.

I really do believe that counseling helps. While I haven't been through counseling for Carleigh, I did go through counseling for Jordan and it really helped. Perhaps going through that counseling helped me with Carleigh. I found that it helped deal with unresolved issues. I had to deal with issues and emotions I hadn't even realized I had been harboring. I was able to work through them and deal with them.

God has been the biggest healer in my life. He was there before it all. He was there the day of the diagnosis. He was there while we waited. He was there during her birth. He was there in the days and months after and He is still here. I must admit that I do not feel His presence as strongly these last few months as I had. Perhaps it is my own fault for not seeking Him like I should.

I have moments where I feel like crying and when I miss her so much. I hardly had these moments but they've gotten a little more frequent in this last month. But I also have very happy moments. What I try to do is live my life how Carleigh would've wanted me to live. If she were here right now, would she want to see a mom who is sad or a mom who is happy? I know she would want me to be happy. And while at times it can be hard to do, I try my best every day to be who she would want me to be.

I've still got things to work through. I know I am just in the beginning of my grief because it will stay with me for the rest of my life. I just need to learn how to live with it. We're not perfect and neither is our grief. But we have a God who is and He loves us very much.

I pray that you can find something that helps you.

Dani said...

I have never lost a child, but my mother-in-law has, and she has not done as well in 8 years as you have in 5 months. You have goals of A, B, and C, and you will get there someday. My mother-in-law has let her grief destroy her to the point that she does not even enjoy any aspect of her life anymore. You know that you and your family still have a life to live, and even though you don't have your sweet baby with you. She knows that she is always in your heart and on your mind. You have survived this far and you will continue to make it. I am praying for you and thinking of you and hoping for peace and comfort for you.

Amy said...

I've felt an urgency to pray for you tonight. Know that you are being lifted up

Anonymous said...

Jen, I think that you are such a strong and admirable woman. Sometimes feeling and accepting the pain is the biggest and hardest part of the healing process. I cannot imagine what you are going through but you are really showing strong signs of dealing well with your pain. Grief is dealt with differently by each individual person and it is perfectly fine to express yourself however makes you feel most at ease. Feeling that sense of loss of control or feeling like you are the only one is very common, you are normal. I agree with others that this blog is a great outlet for you. Sometimes writing those feelings down is a great way to let some of that go as you write them.
I would encouage you to seek counseling of some sort. It is a great way to leave it all out on the table. I would also encourage some sort of athletic outlet like kickboxing, yoga or pilates. It is a great way to relieve some of those stressors. When certain chemicals are released in our bodies, it allows our moods to rise and for a sense of wellbeing to set in.
I hope that you find this information helpful. Keep your chin up, you are are strong!

Anonymous said...

Jen, I am here feeling that words are so inadequate. I have probably already shared this with you but here goes again. After losing two grandbabies it was all I could do just to breath in and out day after day. It was the darkest, deepest hole I had ever experienced. On the outside I think I looked OK. But on the inside I was like a wounded animal, curled up in a cave. No strength to even lick my wounds. It took effort just to breath. I can't tell you how long I laid there in that cave. It was soo dark and soo lonely there. But eventually my eyes begain to adjust to the darkness. As I regained some strength I began to feel around. I couldn't beleive it! All this time I had felt so alone, I realized God had been silently holding me. Giving me time to heal. He assured me I didn't need to rush my recovery. He would be patiently waiting. I LOVE YOU GUYS.PS. we also used the infant loss group at the Trestesse center in Tulsa. Aunt Shelley

Bree said...

Hi Jen,
I've been offline for a few days, so I'm sorry I'm chiming in late. I just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you and Ella. I wish I knew how to get from A to B to C, too. But, I'm so glad we're all trying to figure that out together. xoxo

Once A Mother said...

This is such a tough road, and I wish I had answers for you. Just know that so many are thinking of and praying for you in the hopes that it helps you get through those A,B,C's. Your baby was so beautiful, I am so, so sorry.

The Morris Family said...

Well, like many have expressed, they too have been there. It has been 2 1/2 years for our little 3 yr twin Joel, (a childhood cancer 1/23/07) I would have to say the first year was absolutely horrible, with anger, being mad at everyone. Around the first year mark and in the Lord's mercy He softened my heart to embrace, to rest instead of wrestling with His plan for Joel. Now today I still cry everyday, but waht gets me through the days is the Scriptures, Words of Life as I read and ponder His Person, His Character, His Heart, He works and ordains for our good even though its beyond our understanding, there is this quiet peace within instead of the rage. I miss him more now it seems especially in the Fall as it was when the illness began. We seek to weave Joel in our thoughts, our talk and all that we do, he is still my son and he still is a brother to his siblings. I welcome you to read back through my posts as I shared many scriptures that I feel like were so encouraging to my own heart, but it was His Spirit working and making alive the Words of Scripture, not me. Its all His grace of where I am today. Its a very long road and really, who can ever say we finish walking through the valley of death until our lives are over and we are with our little ones. I will never be over this, but I do testify to his grace that it is mighty to help. One day at a time, resting, trusting, crying out to the Lord.....

Cindy