the funeral...

I been laying in bed for quite a while now, unable to sleep..Jay's Nanny passed away and her funeral is tomorrow... I haven't been to a funeral since Ella's.. And her's just keeps running through my mind.. the details are blurry..its so surreal.. I remember walking into the sanctuary before the service and seeing so many pink and white flowers, and many other assorted colors, plants, a little of everything.. the stage was covered.. there were a few people in that had arrived early, but pretty much empty still.. I walked in and saw her tiny casket..I turned and there was my brother in law Stephen.. I just fell into him weeping and said I can't do this... as if it was a choice... I walked back to where the family was being gathered while the other guests were being seated.. We were last to be seated.. front row..just the 3 of us.. tiny pink and white casket on my left.. I could feel the eyes just beaming at me, expecting me to lose it I guess.. I sat and did pretty well if I say so myself..then we played Ella's montage..Cayden buried his head in my arm and asked if he could leave.. I felt like leaving too, but we both stayed..I heard the weeping and sobbing from every single direction.. I heard my sweet niece Makayla sobbing and not even able to catch her breath directly behind me.. I struggled to find my own breath..I felt Jay's hand pat my back and rub a little, reminding me to inhale..The tears flowed freely, all the while, I still kept my cool..I had decided when she passed that I did not want to take anything to "help" me.. I wanted to feel it.. I needed to feel it.. the service ended in a flash.. the tiny casket that held my angel was opened and the people walked by..sobbing..weeping..no hysterics though.. my one rule was no hysterics.. I could not handle it.. one by one they came by..friends first as they exited this isle into they foyer.. family next, and back to their seats..then it was our turn..we all 3 walked up.. my baby in her Christmas dress...she looked like a porcelain doll.. I had spent time with her the day before, touching her, running my fingers through her hair.. I leaned down to kiss her head..it clicked..don't move..you will never see her on this earth again..I froze, my head buried in her casket..I wanted to crawl in with her.. I wanted to grab her and run like hell...Cayden ran towards the back of the church and out the doors.. he got sick from being so upset.. Jay raised me up a little and I crashed into him..I felt our pastor rub my back.. and say something..I was the hysterics.. I had an audience to witness the worst moment of my life.. an auditorium full of friends and loved ones, staring at me as I broke.. I don't even remember what I said, I know the words "I am not ready for this" came out several times.. I wish that I had brought something to help me at that point.. I needed to NOT feel this way.. I needed to NOT be there, I needed to be at HOME with my baby.. I honestly can't tell you what followed the next week or two.. I did not take anything to alter my mind..I just checked out for a few days.. I slept alot..cried alot.. and that is about it.. I will never in my life forget that feeling when I kissed her head..the moment it all clicked for me..the moment my heart fell out of my chest and shattered into a million pieces.. I've never liked funerals.. and now I certainly don't like them.. it makes me feel sad for the people that loved the deceased as much as I love Ella...

this is Ella in her Christmas dress.. right before she got sick..
I just miss her so stinking much...