Thursday, September 10, 2009

dummy guide to losing a child...

I've been thinking lately about that someone should write a book about how to lose a child..a dummy manual if you will.. I know there are a TON of books about loss, about the correct way to grieve about what to expect.. We knew we were going to lose her, I had no idea one little tiny human could tear me into a million pieces and at times seem un-repairable..we are almost 4 months out..and sometimes I am "fine" dare I even say good..but sometimes I just want answers..I want someone to tell my why, and someone to tell me that my crazy irrational thoughts are normal..some one needs to write a book that is NOT all rainbows and bubble gum.. a real book.. a book for REAL parents with REAL suffering..

maybe it should start like this...

after the loss of a child you may experience the following:

*sleepless nights staring at the ceiling and praying for the pain to ease
*stomach in constant state on twisting and turning..
*staring at children that are around your childs age... and not being able to look away..even though it kills you inside.. especially ones with little bows..
*numbness to everything.. not caring about things going on around you.. the need to stay in bed all day, even though all you do is think about her.. don't get up, because it will be real..
*weeping til you think your face is quite possibly going to just fall off and your heart is just barely able to keep up..not just crying, full on weeping..the same weeping and pain I felt on the day we lost her. Mr Webster defines to weep as 1 : to express deep sorrow for usually by shedding tears..I say Mr Webster never lost a child..its so much more..

maybe it should say something about the possible triggers of emotion that may follow the loss of a child,

*seeing and watching children their (should be) age
*children older &/or younger
*baby items @ the store
*Rainy days
*Sunny days
*birds, butterflies, flowers
*when people ask how I am doing
*when people don't, in fear that I will lose it..
*the sickening urge to buy her a little dress..even though you know she is gone..and so you talk yourself out of it, and feel like you have been defeated..

what may make you feel a little better about the defeat..

his word... his promises.. his love for us..

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


Heather said...

Beautiful post. Maybe you should start writing a book. Great idea. Thinking and praying for you.

Bree said...

Hi Jen,
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm so sorry for your loss. Ella was beautiful. The first thing I noticed when I came to your blog is that you call Ella, "Ella Bella." That is our nickname for our Ella too. I think you should write a book. I'd buy it. I have felt all of those things too. I'm gonna go get caught up on your story.

Anonymous said...

This post is so raw with emotion. I'm not sure what to write. Please keep telling us how you are doing so we can keep praying. And thank you for sharing this journey w/ us. It's a very vulnerable position for you, but I hope it's good for you to express your emotions and it's good for us to see a glimpse of what you are going thru. I'm so encouraged that you are trusting in our Almighty God during this time. He never fails us!

I was recently at an infant's funeral. They knew they would lose the baby months before she was born, and the mother decided to carry her full term. They had some great verses and quotes up on the screen when people arrived and on the program. Verses like Prov. 3:5&6 and Psalm 139. I know you know these. They also had some very powerful quotes too. "You are valuable because you exist. Not because of what you do or what you have done, but simply because you are." And "Hope is not the expectation that things will turn out well, but the conviction that something is worth working for, however it turns out."

I thought these were powerful verses and quotes at a time like this so I wanted to share them.

I love you!

Amanda Smith